Please don't feed PickleMan
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by: Max Burbank

I wish I did more art. Made more things. I like to make things. I wish I made things and sold them.

I wish I sold them and folks came around and paid a lot of money for them and said "Now those are some nice things." I oughta be up all night stripped to the waist, a brush in my hand, another in my teeth, obscure as shit modern classical music blasting out of a beat up, paint
spattered, pink Hello Kitty tape deck I filched from a Wal-Mart, making things that people would open their wallets for and say "MAN, you seen these things?"

Wish Iíd kissed that girl in high school. Wish Iíd been born with better cheekbones. Know what would have been good? If it turned out Iíd been adopted and was the child of someone special, if I had some sort of birth right. Wish Iíd found out at some point I had a birthright to claim.

I should have bought that car when I had the money and driven cross-country with the top down. I should have driven through the desert like a madman with one hand on the wheel and some real keen shades and a killer chick laughing Ďcause we are CRAZY and we do not give a shit. I wish that car I never bought had been a convertible.

If I could say, "Man, you should have seen it. Hail the size of softballs" and not be lying, that would be something, right? If someone would ask me "Whereíd you get that tattoo?" and I could pull on a hand rolled smoke and say "Damned if I know" between tight grit teeth. I wish Tattooís werenít as common as the god damn cold. I wish I didnít think it would hurt so much to get one. I should have looked squinted like a young Clint Eastwood. I should have broken that guys nose for asking. I should have been so mean I killed a guy just for snoring.

Is it too late to be the kind of guy you donít want to get mixed up with? Is it really too late for that? I mean, shit. I could fit in those old pants again if I worked at it.

Itís not like Iím asking for a Talk show. I just think I should have been a frequent guest. The kind you go "Oh, that guy, man this show rocks whenever that guys on, that host? Has got some CHEMISTRY with that guy. I wonder what the hell that guy has been up to since the last time he was on?"

If Iíd never have said Iíd do half the things I said Iíd do, Iíd sure as hell be someone different now. Argue with that. Hell, If I did all the things I said Iíd do, Iíd be different. My own mother wouldnít recognize me. Or yours.

Should have got on the ground floor of the goddamn Internet and got out before the damn thing collapsed. Wish I did. Timing, you know? Donít tell me. Iíve been there. Thatís a block Iíve been all the way around and I wish like hell I hadnít, so donít tell me.

Wish I had a dime for every time your cake hole was catching flies. Wish Iíd tied my wagon to another star, hell anything, I could have tied my wagon to a stray dog with Alzheimerís, I mean, my Jesus Wept, wouldnít it have been nice to have something besides a frigginí WAGON in the first place?

Tell you what, though. I blame you. Because you enabled the shit out of me and that is the god damn truth, that is a truth you can take to the bank and CARVE your damn signature into, because it is Granite, my friend.

Oh, yes. Granite.

Iíll tell you something else. This is not over. Not by a long shot. Iím going to do some very big things before they pull the curtain. The hell if Iím going into a box without leaving my goddamn mark. Count on it. Count to Goddamn one hundred with your eyes god damn closed and no god damn peeking. THEN look for me. Good frigginí luck.

Thatís what I wish I said.

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