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RIDICULOUS REVISIONISM
by: Protoclown

Like many of you, I've witnessed the rampant revisionism going on in the US in the wake of the World Trade Center attack, and the annoyance in my mind has been growing steadily with each passing instance. But when I recently heard that the suggestion had been made that Peter Jackson, director of the Lord of the Rings movies, change the title of the second installment from "The Two Towers" to something a little more "politically correct", that was more bullshit than I could take.

That title has suited the book just fine in the half-century or so since its publication, and it is completely fucking RIDICULOUS to ask that he change the title of the film version of the book. It may be an unfortunate bit of timing, but that's just too bad now, isn't it? You can't change history, and if you need to pretend it didn't happen to make yourself feel better, well that's your own mental derangement, and don't try to PUSH it on the rest of us.

I know nothing of these two towers you speak of!
A controversial pic of Frodo from
Lord of The Rings in which he bears a turban.

If Jackson were to change the title, I have a few suggestions for the whiney PC fucks that want to turn this tragedy into some kind of make-believe fairy tale mishap. How about he renames the movie to "THE TWO TOWERS: CRASH AND BURN!!". Would that suit you better? Or maybe "THE WORLD TRADE CENTER DONE GOT BLOWED THE FUCK UP!!" Or perhaps even "SOME HOBBITS HIJACK SOME GIANT EAGLES AND FLY THEM INTO THE TWO TOWERS WHICH ARE NOT UNLIKE THE WORLD TRADE CENTER IN THAT THEY ARE TOWERS...AND THERE ARE TWO OF THEM, GEOGRAPHICAL DISTANCES BETWEEN THEM NOTWITHSTANDING". I think any of those would do. You know, just to show that there's NO confusion here that the movie is NOT in fact related to the events of September 11th in any way, shape or
form.

Of course, this is by no means the only example of this revisionism bullshit. It just happens to be the most recent, and one of the most ridiculous. In several recent films, such as "Zoolander" and "People I Know", the Twin Towers have been edited out entirely. The upcoming "The Time Machine", in which our hero travels to 2002 had them digitally removed, but you see, THAT makes sense. Cuz see, it's 2002 now, and the Twin Towers don't exist. So THAT is historically accurate. But why try to change the past, even in the fictional reflection of our world? For decades the towers stood tall and proud over New York City, so TAKE that and be PROUD of it.

I'm even hearing silly rumors now that in the upcoming "Special Edition" re-release of E.T. (which is a whole rant in itself) they edited the Twin Towers out of the movie. Maybe it's just me, but I don't remember them being IN the movie in the first place? But if they were, it wouldn't surprise me to see them removed. Maybe they're ADDING them in, only so they can digitally remove them later?

And then of course there's the Microsoft Flight Simulator series, which has had the World Trade Center removed from all new editions (and a patch to remove it from OLD editions... why? Shouldn't the Flight Sim for 2000 reflect the world as it WAS in 2000?), as well as rumors of them removing the ability to crash planes into buildings and other similar obstacles. Fortunately the latter seems to have remained just that: a rumor. But you know of course that would have fooled the terrorists, because they are obviously all stupid barbarians who learn about life from video games. Of course they would have then taken the WRONG lesson from that, discovering that they can NOW fly virtual planes through buildings without getting hurt!

But MOST insulting of ALL is what they are doing with the Playstation 2 game Grand Theft Auto 3 in response to our "more violent" world. You may have heard that the game has been banned in Australia, and you may have heard rumors of a ban or limited retail availability in the US. Well, I'm here to deliver the sad, sad truth to you. The game IS in fact being removed from the shelves, with a new edited version to be released sometime early this spring. The newly titled "Grand Theft Bake Sale" no longer follows the adventures of a criminal thug who jacks cars for the mob, but rather a shy and gentle high-school boy named Simon who is trying to save his grandmother from illness by raising enough money for a sorely needed operation. All criminals and street thugs have been replaced with inoffensive fluffy pink bunnies that should add to the new good-natured fun of the game.

Hey kids! Fluffy Pink Bunnies make games FUN!
A pink bunny now appears in the game to give
it a much more wholesome, family-oriented appeal.

"Help save my grandma! Buy a cake!"
No longer will he be stealing cars, he'll be
holding bake sales to get his grandma that
operation she so desperately needs!

The original unaltered box. The new modified politically correct box
Even the box-art for the game has been changed.
left-box = original. right-box = new.

Surely in light of such a change another "September 11th" or "Columbine" will never happen again. Yes, in this new America we can sit around all day and watch Teletubbies, shitting in our adult diapers while eating "Olean" chips and farting grease spots on the couch. Because it is JUST such a nation of incompetent simpering weakling boobs that our forefathers envisioned when they fought for our freedom so long ago.

note: Protoclown has utmost respect for those who were affected by the September 11th tragedy, and feels that more energy should be directed toward remembering it rather than trying to forget about it entirely.


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