Please don't feed PickleMan
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by: -RoG-

Lately I've been thinking about death a lot. Why? Well, we've all gotta have something to look forward to, don't we? Anyway, when I ask most people how they wish to be "dealt with" once they become a lifeless sack of flesh, they almost always want to be buried in a coffin or cremated. Being one who likes to explore all of his options, I just can't accept either of these choices. 

I mean being buried in a box 6-feet under? I get very agitated anytime I have to work in a tiny cubicle, so being put in an even smaller box isn't my idea of "peace". Besides, what if I'm not really dead? What if I'm an unholy demon spawn that comes back to life once every 5000 years (by the way, this is not an admission)? It'd be pretty damned hard to dig my way out of there, if not impossible. So if I'm going to come back to life to feast on the blood of yuppie scum, I need to be able to get out easily. So being buried just won't cut it for me.

And why would I want to be cremated? Sure, the thought of the gravediggers raping my dead corpse isn't appealing, and I don't think it's possible to rape the ashes of the dead (believe me, I've tried). But even if being cremated means you get to avoid being a necrophilia victim, the fact is you're gonna soon become fish shit or some other animal's shit. Your ashes will get dumped somewhere (such as the ocean) and then some creature will eat it and then all that's left of you will be shit of some form. Now humans, by nature, are full of shit as it is... I just don't think we need to further our personal shittyness, do you? And sure, you could have your ashes left in an urn , but sooner or later the keeper of it is gonna die. And nobody is going to hold onto your ashes FOREVER. Sooner or later they'll get dumped out and then you WILL become the shit of some animal... it's inevitable.

So with all of this in mind, I've been thinking of some less-traditional options to consider when I die:

One option is storing my head in a cryogenic freeze in hopes that someday scientists will be able to reanimate me. Ok, let's get one thing straight... I don't want my head removed from my body regardless of whether I'm dead or alive. My head and my body have been together for a long time, so I can only assume that they would grow incredibly depressed if they were separated. And let's face it; cryogenic people would probably not even do a good job of keeping my head frozen. Remember the last time when the power went out in your house and all the ice pops in the freezer melted? I rest my case. Besides, why would scientists be worried about my severed head when they're busy "GETTIN SOME BOOTY" (and man oh man do them scientists get a lot o' booty)! So I guess I can scratch this option off my list.

Another option is I could have my body jettisoned into space in hopes that aliens in some distant galaxy can bring me back to life. Great, so I get my body sent into outer space, floating around for who knows how long. I get air-sick pretty fast if I stay on a plane too long, so I don't imagine floating forever could be too good for me. And if I was brought back to life after floating for that long, I'm sure the first thing I'd do would be to make up for all the PUKING that I missed out on while I was busy being a dead, floating corpse. 

Furthermore, even if I was brought back to life... what's to say that these aliens who brought me back wouldn't be really sadistic assholes? Maybe they'd bring me back to life and then kill me again and then repeat the process for all eternity. They'd create a television show for it called, "watch us kill the dumb human". I would be the star and my hell would never end as I would continuously be reanimated and killed in horrible alien ways. Sorry, that's just not a chance I'm willing to take. Dying once will be hard enough I'm sure.

You know what... none of these options are good. The traditional ones suck as do the less-traditional ones. So I'm going to have to just come up with a whole new way of dealing with my body that I can tolerate. Let's see, I want a nice little place to be built in the middle of a cemetery, like a mini-mausoleum just for me. But instead of having an above-ground coffin as my body's final resting place... I want a La-Z-Boy chair. Furthermore, I want a huge flat-screen TV (with cable) and a stereo system with surround sound speakers. I also want a really nice computer system... top of the line! And just to make sure that computer doesn't become obsolete anytime soon, I want a "geek for hire" to come into my mini-mausoleum once a month and upgrade that bad boy. I also want my own Wendy's restaurant thrown in there so if I do happen to come back to life I can make myself one of those Spicy Chicken Sandwiches or a Giant Cheeseburger!. After all, dying builds up quite an appetite so I might as well pamper myself!

Die in STYLE!
Die in STYLE!

Yes, this is it. That's how I want to die. The mini-mausoleum. The La-Z-Boy recliner. The cable TV. The Stereo. The Computer (w/ monthly upgrades). The in-house Wendy's. I could get used to a death like that. THAT would REALLY be "resting in peace", which is the point of it all right?

Come to think of it... what am I waiting for?

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