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by: Protoclown

People who ride bicycles really piss me off. Rather, people who ride bicycles on the fucking HIGHWAY in the middle of the lane piss me off. If you want to ride your BMX on the dirt trails back behind your house, or on the streets of your neighborhood, thatís fine. But if youíre honestly using that bicycle as a means of serious transportation on MY fucking road, you had best be prepared to die. 

I almost ran over some stupid excuse for a kid today who was flying down a four lane highway on his bicycle, going against traffic. The dumb bastard almost rode RIGHT into my car, head on. Now letís analyze this here. Iím speeding down the highway in somewhere between one and two tons of steel at about 60 mph. Meanwhile this brainiac child is bouncing along on approximately 30 lbs. of metal, darting and weaving through traffic at a significantly lower speed. In this high stakes game of "chicken", who are you going to put YOUR money on? At LEAST the poor sod wasnít on one of those razor scooters. Then I wouldíve had to have turned around and smeared him across the road like pizza. As it was, I decided to let this one live. 

Thereís a narrow road not far from where I live called "Old Gun Road". This is one of the most insanely twisty windy roads I have ever been on, where youíre basically going through a dark tunnel of trees with deep ditches (sometimes gorges) on one or both sides for vast stretches. This road is dangerous enough in some spots when two cars simply pass each other on the road. So naturally, this road has been designated by the county as an "official bike trail" and has those obnoxious "Share the Road" signs posted along the side. 

Nearly every time I go down this road (going nearly 30 miles over the speed limit mind you) I pass by a "fitness freak" fully decked out in spandex and "riding their way to a better body". I fucking hate these people. They ride in the middle of the goddamn road so they wonít slip off the edge and fall to their death into one of the gorges. Well what the FUCK do they think is going to happen to ME when I ram head on into another car while trying to avoid hitting THEM? Theyíre going to kill at least TWO people, while they on the other hand are just ONE person. The idea is to SHARE the road, not "hog the whole fucking thing with my little piece of shit circus toy and get in everybodyís way". 

Well, you CANíT share a road like that! It canít be done! I can BARELY share it with the other CARS, Iíll be damned if Iím going to share it with Captain Pushpeddle and the Bike-eteers. You want to ride your dinky little bike down a road like that when Iím barreling down it, youíre gonna take what you get when I knock your ass into a ravine, and youíre gonna like it!

So hereís what I like to do. Roll down the windows, and as you fly by the idiot on the bicycle, either honk the horn or yell something really loud as you pass them. Usually youíll scare the shit out of them and theyíll find it difficult to maintain control of the bike, especially in the wake of the gale-force winds you create behind you with your breakneck speeds. 

And let me assure you, thereís nothing funnier than seeing a spandex clad moron tumbling off his bike and into a ditch in your rear view mirror. And boy, by the time theyíre conscious enough to do anything about it, youíre long gone! I highly recommend this fun-filled activity to everyone who feels the same rage I do toward these "cyclist" assholes. Youíll feel much better. Instead of "sharing the road", we should all start CLEANING IT UP.  

note: Protoclown likes to take the olí pogo stick for a spin on I-95 every now and again.

note #2: -RoG- would comment further on this piece, but he's busy removing "cyclist guts" from the grill of his car.

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