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Shaving. It's so goddamned annoying that it's fairly easy to
relate with people who never shave. And if it wasn't for my fear
of having thousands of microscopic creatures thriving in my
beard, I'd probably look like a member of ZZ Top. But, since I
don't have the desire to house all sorts of germs so close to my
face, I try to shave on a fairly regular basis. Now if I'm going
to take the time out of my day to shave, I want it to be done
quickly and closely so I won't have to shave too often.
Companies like Gillette and Schick would have us believe that
their top-of-the-line razors can give us the closest shave
without actually removing the top 2 layers of our skin. Sounds
good right? Sure it does. There's only one problem...
THEY'RE LYING THEIR ASSES OFF.
We've all seen the commercials for these high tech
shavers like the "Mach 3 Turbo" where the guy shaves his faces
perfectly with one swipe of the blade. It's so obvious that he
doesn't have ANY whiskers to begin with (either he hasn't gone
through puberty or he had a laser hair removal treatment), all
they do is cover-up his face with shaving cream so that when he
runs the razor through it, it looks as though he's getting an
amazingly close shave. It's nice to know these companies think
we're all fucking idiots. And believe me, they do think that...
why else would they charge $17.00 for a pack of eight measly
replacement razor cartridges? At that insane price, are you
really gonna listen to the "indicator strip" and throw out your
razor when THEY tell you to? Or are you going to REALLY get your
money's worth out of each razor? I've been using the same razor
for 6 months and the "indicator strip" fell off a long time ago.
Fuck you Gillette.
As for electric shavers... bah, I never liked 'em. Besides, I
want to know that if things in life get really bad, I'll be able
to rip out one of my razors and end my life quickly. What the
fuck am I supposed to do with an electric razor in such a case?
Beat myself to death slowly with it? Pfft...
So what are we to do? Fear not, for I have discovered the
perfect solution for us hairy bastards.
WOMEN'S PINK DISPOSABLE RAZORS
That's right guys, you're going to start using women's razors.
Why? Because these cheap things are way sharper than the best
men's razor. Think about it... these razors aren't made to shave
a small area like a face, they're for shaving an entire LEG.
Hell, TWO LEGS! Yeah, yeah, I know the whole "pink" thing isn't
that appealing to most men, but if I can get a good shave for a
decent price, I don't care if child labor slaves made 'em. And
these things are very cheap in comparison: Pink "Daisy" Razors
cost 5 bux a pack or less for TEN RAZORS! Fuck the "manly" Mach
3 Turbo with it's shiny chrome look and "rubber grips". I'm
sticking with PINK from now on.
Now for those of you guys who are too insecure to use a women's
razor, I have figured out a way for you to get over the
pink factor. Behold:
Step 1: Googly Eyes
You can get bags of Googly Eyes at pretty much any craft shop
for dirt cheap. Simply stick them on the razor cover with some
Elmer's glue (if you can pull yourself away from eating it) and
your razor is already looking better. Fact of life: Googly Eyes
can improve ANYTHING.
Step 2: Sharpie Marker Designs
Write some really tough sounding stuff on your razor. I chose to
go with the classic "SLAYER RULES!", but pretty much anything
written in black will work. Hell, you don't even have to write
anything, you could just color in the whole razor black.
Whatever helps put your pathetic insecurities to rest...
Step 3: Tin Foil Wings
Damn straight. Gillette might have chrome razors, but we've got
shiny chrome WINGS for ours! Simply cut out two pieces of tin
foil and then fold them into (somewhat) even triangles. After
that, just tape 'em onto your razor.
Step 4: Fighting Ninja
What could be more awesome than having two ninja fighting on the
shiny wings of your googly-eyed razor as it soars through the
air? If you don't have or can't find ninja toys, you can always
go with plastic army men figures. They're cheap and they still
look pretty damned awesome.
Step 5: Parachute
Speaking of plastic army men, if you can get your hands on the
ones that come with a parachute, you can use it on your razor.
Simply run some small wire or a twisty tie through the two
ninjas, loop it, and then affix the parachute through the loop.
Voila! Instant parachute for your super duper, flying ϋber
razor!
Step 6: Fake Blood
You're goddamn right - FAKE BLOOD! What could be more manly than
blood! Pour it around the ninja figures and it looks like
they've been wounded in battle. Actually, this fake blood really
sucked. I think it looks more like I just spilled some Kool-Aid
over the thing. Eh, I'm sure you'll accidentally cut yourself
shaving sometime anyway, and then you'll have some REAL blood
for it.
Step 7: Garbage Pail Kid Under-Wing Design
Just like many pilots have designs painted on their jets, we're
going to put a nifty design under the wings of our razor. If you
want to paint your own design on it, by all means knock yourself
out, but I'm just going to use stickers. I chose a Garbage Pail
Kid "My Gene". Considering he's shaving the skin off of his
face, I felt the design would be quite appropriate. Hey, it was
either that or an M.C. Hammer trading card...
Step 7: Action Figure Razor Holder
The final step is choosing a proper holder for your razor. You
want to display your razor proudly, and leaving it on your sink
just won't do. So get some action figures and they'll do the job
nicely. I went with two Moss Man figures because 1) they look
angry, 2) they're fuzzy, and 3) they look angry and fuzzy.
Pink? What pink? I see no pink! Now you've got yourself one hell
of a manly razor! With all of that crap on it, I doubt
you'll be thinking about the fact that it's a
pink women's anymore.
And just how well does it shave? See for yourself:
Within seconds all of the whiskers on one side of my face were
obliterated! THAT, my friends, is POWER.
And I didn't stop there. I shaved the rest of my face and the
results were much better than those ridiculously overpriced
men's razors. Then I started thinking about mass-marketing them.
All I'd need to do is find a company willing to buy my
prototype. Unfortunately, an unforeseen event took place while I
was out grabbing some lunch and showing off my closely shaved
face.
Upon returning home, I caught a dame using my razor to shave her
legs! Damnit woman, make your own friggin' manly razor! Eh, I
guess I can't blame her for using it... since it was I who stole
her last one to make my ϋber razor.
So there you have it guys. Cheaper razors that look MUCH cooler
and they give you a closer shave. Who could ask for anything
more? Now get to work on creating your new and improved razors.
If you
email me pictures of them, I
just might put them up for display on here!
Email me pictures of your custom razors!
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