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THE SHAVING INDUSTRY LIES
by: -RoG-

Shaving. It's so goddamned annoying that it's fairly easy to relate with people who never shave. And if it wasn't for my fear of having thousands of microscopic creatures thriving in my beard, I'd probably look like a member of ZZ Top. But, since I don't have the desire to house all sorts of germs so close to my face, I try to shave on a fairly regular basis. Now if I'm going to take the time out of my day to shave, I want it to be done quickly and closely so I won't have to shave too often. Companies like Gillette and Schick would have us believe that their top-of-the-line razors can give us the closest shave without actually removing the top 2 layers of our skin. Sounds good right? Sure it does. There's only one problem...

THEY'RE LYING THEIR ASSES OFF.

YOU TELL HIM, GOD!

We've all seen the commercials for these high tech shavers like the "Mach 3 Turbo" where the guy shaves his faces perfectly with one swipe of the blade. It's so obvious that he doesn't have ANY whiskers to begin with (either he hasn't gone through puberty or he had a laser hair removal treatment), all they do is cover-up his face with shaving cream so that when he runs the razor through it, it looks as though he's getting an amazingly close shave. It's nice to know these companies think we're all fucking idiots. And believe me, they do think that... why else would they charge $17.00 for a pack of eight measly replacement razor cartridges? At that insane price, are you really gonna listen to the "indicator strip" and throw out your razor when THEY tell you to? Or are you going to REALLY get your money's worth out of each razor? I've been using the same razor for 6 months and the "indicator strip" fell off a long time ago. Fuck you Gillette.

As for electric shavers... bah, I never liked 'em. Besides, I want to know that if things in life get really bad, I'll be able to rip out one of my razors and end my life quickly. What the fuck am I supposed to do with an electric razor in such a case? Beat myself to death slowly with it? Pfft...

So what are we to do? Fear not, for I have discovered the perfect solution for us hairy bastards.

PINK!!!!!!!
WOMEN'S PINK DISPOSABLE RAZORS

That's right guys, you're going to start using women's razors. Why? Because these cheap things are way sharper than the best men's razor. Think about it... these razors aren't made to shave a small area like a face, they're for shaving an entire LEG. Hell, TWO LEGS! Yeah, yeah, I know the whole "pink" thing isn't that appealing to most men, but if I can get a good shave for a decent price, I don't care if child labor slaves made 'em. And these things are very cheap in comparison: Pink "Daisy" Razors cost 5 bux a pack or less for TEN RAZORS! Fuck the "manly" Mach 3 Turbo with it's shiny chrome look and "rubber grips". I'm sticking with PINK from now on.

Now for those of you guys who are too insecure to use a women's razor, I have figured out a way for you to get over the pink factor. Behold:

SEARCH FOR GOOGLY EYES ON GOOGLE. ROFL
Step 1: Googly Eyes

You can get bags of Googly Eyes at pretty much any craft shop for dirt cheap. Simply stick them on the razor cover with some Elmer's glue (if you can pull yourself away from eating it) and your razor is already looking better. Fact of life: Googly Eyes can improve ANYTHING.

SLAYER RULES! \m/ \m/
Step 2: Sharpie Marker Designs

Write some really tough sounding stuff on your razor. I chose to go with the classic "SLAYER RULES!", but pretty much anything written in black will work. Hell, you don't even have to write anything, you could just color in the whole razor black. Whatever helps put your pathetic insecurities to rest...

I HAVE WINGS. GREAT, SHINY WINGS!
Step 3: Tin Foil Wings

Damn straight. Gillette might have chrome razors, but we've got shiny chrome WINGS for ours! Simply cut out two pieces of tin foil and then fold them into (somewhat) even triangles. After that, just tape 'em onto your razor.

A BATTLE TO THE DEATH... ALL ON YOUR RAZOR!
Step 4: Fighting Ninja

What could be more awesome than having two ninja fighting on the shiny wings of your googly-eyed razor as it soars through the air? If you don't have or can't find ninja toys, you can always go with plastic army men figures. They're cheap and they still look pretty damned awesome.

in case of emergency...
Step 5: Parachute

Speaking of plastic army men, if you can get your hands on the ones that come with a parachute, you can use it on your razor. Simply run some small wire or a twisty tie through the two ninjas, loop it, and then affix the parachute through the loop. Voila! Instant parachute for your super duper, flying ϋber razor!

BLOODY NINJA BATTLE WOUNDS! :o
Step 6: Fake Blood

You're goddamn right - FAKE BLOOD! What could be more manly than blood! Pour it around the ninja figures and it looks like they've been wounded in battle. Actually, this fake blood really sucked. I think it looks more like I just spilled some Kool-Aid over the thing. Eh, I'm sure you'll accidentally cut yourself shaving sometime anyway, and then you'll have some REAL blood for it.

Garbage Pail Kids need to make a come back.
Step 7: Garbage Pail Kid Under-Wing Design

Just like many pilots have designs painted on their jets, we're going to put a nifty design under the wings of our razor. If you want to paint your own design on it, by all means knock yourself out, but I'm just going to use stickers. I chose a Garbage Pail Kid "My Gene". Considering he's shaving the skin off of his face, I felt the design would be quite appropriate. Hey, it was either that or an M.C. Hammer trading card...

"MOSS MAN LOVE NEW RAZOR! RAAAAR!"
Step 7: Action Figure Razor Holder

The final step is choosing a proper holder for your razor. You want to display your razor proudly, and leaving it on your sink just won't do. So get some action figures and they'll do the job nicely. I went with two Moss Man figures because 1) they look angry, 2) they're fuzzy, and 3) they look angry and fuzzy.

Pink? What pink? I see no pink! Now you've got yourself one hell of a manly razor! With all of that crap on it, I doubt you'll be thinking about the fact that it's a pink women's anymore.

And just how well does it shave? See for yourself:

EUREKA!

Within seconds all of the whiskers on one side of my face were obliterated! THAT, my friends, is POWER.

Now how can I make a profit from these?

And I didn't stop there. I shaved the rest of my face and the results were much better than those ridiculously overpriced men's razors. Then I started thinking about mass-marketing them. All I'd need to do is find a company willing to buy my prototype. Unfortunately, an unforeseen event took place while I was out grabbing some lunch and showing off my closely shaved face.

DAMN YOU!

Upon returning home, I caught a dame using my razor to shave her legs! Damnit woman, make your own friggin' manly razor! Eh, I guess I can't blame her for using it... since it was I who stole her last one to make my ϋber razor.

So there you have it guys. Cheaper razors that look MUCH cooler and they give you a closer shave. Who could ask for anything more? Now get to work on creating your new and improved razors. If you email me pictures of them, I just might put them up for display on here!

Email me pictures of your custom razors!
 


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