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SLOW NEWS
by: Max Burbank

Former "New Republic" Editor and "New York Times" Columnist Andrew Sullivan called Connie Chungís interview of Gary Condit "the single most disgusting hour I have ever witnessed on television." In the interests of complete disclosure I should comment that I didnít watch the interview myself, paid little or no attention to the coverage that followed and cribbed the quote itself from Slate. That being said, I think we can glean this much from Mr. Sullivanís bold commentary. He does not watch a lot of television. Without a shadow of doubt we can say he never watched ĎHee-Hawí, or ĎStar Trek: Voyager" and that currently he is not watching "Touched by an Angel" or "Inside the Actorís Studio". (A side note: I enjoy referring to "Touched by an Angel" as "Inappropriately Touched by an Angel". I think thatís funny.)

Iím not sure just what journalistic expectations Mr. Sullivan had of the Woman who chose (assumedly) to marry Maury Povich. In any case, it should be taken into account Heís English and is therefore almost certainly the insane byproduct of generational inbreeding, alcoholic and encumbered by bad teeth. I know these are heavy allegations, especially considering that before today I had no idea who he was, though my research has uncovered that itís quite possible he went to graduate school with my brother. As a journalist I should find out, but my Brother has asked that a stop calling him at all hours while drunk and still hasnít forgiven me for insisting he confirm allegations that Michael Dukakis, former governor of Massachusetts and Presidential candidate was, in fact, shorter than me.

The point is (or points are if you want to be all persnickety) August is slow for news, Journalists are all so lazy itís a wonder they donít just make up their stories and phone them in from an Iron Lung, and the Condit story involves humping. Americans canít get enough of hearing about humping, we love just the hint of humping in our news, my God, if we as a nation stand for anything, itís freedom and paying close attention to any story involving humping. And if thatís a little too ruggedly individualistic for some Tea Bag world renowned journalist to stomach, well, tell it to us humping and we might actually listen.

I mean, just how often can we put a marginally different pose of W. playing golf on the front page? Must we see yet another gleeful child frolicking in an open hydrant, an ice cream smeared tot perched cherubically above the headline "BEAT THE HEAT!"? Can we, as Americans, honestly be expected to know or care what goes on in other countries? I mean, yes, sure, Jesse Helms is finally retiring, but couldnít he be humping an intern as well? And if he isnít, can I just say here and now that Iím glad for that hypothetical intern, but very, very sorry for our country?

And donít forget TV has to do something with Connie Chung. They paid a lot of money for her, they have to take her out for a ride around the block every now and then to make sure her engine still runs. I hear she asked some very tough questions! Actually, I hear she pretty much asked the same tough question over and over, but since I didnít watch it I canít really be casting aspersions hear, even if I did know what aspersions were and how to cast them.

Hereís a question Iíd have asked Condit if I were in Connieís attractive yet sensible shoes:

"Congressman Condit, isnít it true that youíve missed all but two roll call votes in the last year because you were busy trying to get a series of teenage boys to ĎFish the candy-corns out of your pocketí?"

Now that little curve ball would have thrown him for a loop and he might have stumbled and admitted something. "Woah, now Connie, I did no such thing! I was busy helping the wife hire a hitman! OH CRAP!!"

THE CANDY-CORNS DO NOT LIE!
THE CANDY-CORNS DO NOT LIE!
Answer the question, Congressman!

Hereís the thing. People go missing every day, and itís a national tragedy, but it has nothing to do with me. Wait, that came out wrong. I mean, we should pay more attention to those I do kidnap, but Connie Chung wonít interview me. In fact the closest sheís ever come is the restraining order her lawyer set me up with. Wait, thatís not the point either. The point is, itís very nasty to write an article like this one, and thatís why I refrain from the type of pontificating typical of nationally syndicated columnists.

Despite itís full quota of Humping, I choose to rise above the Condit story. Why? Mostly my medication has certain unpleasant but unavoidable side effects. Also, Iím morally superior to you. But not as Superior as Mr. Sullivan, whoís summer vacation to Hyperbole Lake showed an almost Colonial attitude toward the average American Trailer Park Dwelling Proto Primate Neilsen Family. "Most disgusting hour of Television", good God man, I know youíre young to have had so much success, but surely youíve heard of "Dawsonís Creek".


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