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SNOW SUCKS
by: Protoclown

I'm going to lay a very simple fact out here on the table, and a great many of you may disagree with what I have to say. Which is fine. But you're bloody wrong. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! The fact of the day: snow sucks! (kind of gave the surprise away in the title didn't I?)

"But it closes down school!" you say. "It's fun to play in!" or "It looks so pretty all over the ground!" Who the hell cares? It's cold as shit, it's miserable to be in, it looks like crap when it's all brown and muddy in misshapen heaps on the side of the grimy salted road, and most of all, it GETS IN MY FUCKING WAY. And as I've mentioned before, I HATE things that get in my way, be it snow, elderly people, or cute puppies. Fuck 'em all.

Goddamned Snow!

When I was a kid, I have to admit, I loved snow like anyone else. It was the greatest, most fun thing about winter. Until I got a car. The instant you become a driver snow becomes THE ENEMY. When I was a child, my friends lived across the street and it was an easy matter to walk just a short ways away to see them. Now that they live across town, snow takes on a whole different, evil meaning. I means that I'm going to be STUCK inside my house, rotting and festering until I die from complete boredom due to cabin fever. And I get really nasty cabin fever, let me tell ya!

Back in high school, a friend of mine and I had many adventures trying to defy the snow and go out driving anyway. We'd load down his trunk with cinder blocks and any other kind of heavy things we could find laying around (which DID help) before heading out into the winter wonderland of white, cold, nasty shit. I remember a lot of sliding around aimlessly, and I remember distinctly getting stuck in a ditch one time and having to have some old guy help us dig one of the tires out. Though, I think I may have been driving on THAT particular trip...whoops, never mind that last part!

Anyway, as I was saying, there are a myriad of reasons to loathe snow. One other reason to hate it in Virginia (or in similar climate regions) is because we don't get much, but when we DO get it, nobody around here knows how to drive and you can't go anywhere without passing twenty fatal accidents, even if you're staying within the bounds of your own neighborhood. Icy conditions just plain suck for driving, and I remember several times back during college (in Blacksburg of all places, up in the mountains) where my car was bouncing around and hitting other cars in the commuter parking lot like a fucking pinball. But that's okay, because you get double points for hit and run bumper dings this time of year.

The absolute WORST (and no doubt the most pathetic) thing about snow though in my area is that the very SECOND that it's announced on the radio or television, the bumbling HORDE of humanity flows forth from their homes with riot-like urgency, just so they can get to the grocery store to buy bread and milk! Even the old man comes down from the mountain to get in my fucking way when I'm trying to get to work! Or I'll be in the store doing some REAL shopping when the swarm decides to drop in and rush the place like a mob of starving Ethiopians.

I'm puzzled. What exactly is it about milk that apparently makes it NECESSARY for survival?? Is this something you can't live without for two days, even though the old carton you had was already forming lumps from its complete lack of use in the back of the fridge? Look at vegans, they live without milk ALL the time and they get by. If you can call their frail withering frames any sort of "life" at all, that is. Okay, bad example. I just destroyed my own argument. Alright, you wretches!!! You can HAVE your fucking milk! Just stay OUT of my way when you're getting it! The fact remains, that carton of milk will go lumpy too (especially after the power goes out), and snow STILL sucks.  

note: Protoclown advises you to watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow! 

note #2: -RoG- has seen Protoclown take a piss in the snow, and then eat it. So don't believe a word he says.


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