The other day I was driving home from work and a cop pulls in behind me after a traffic light. No big deal, I'm thinking, because I wasn't speeding at all. So I'm puttering down the road like a good little citizen, keeping the drunken bobbing and weaving to a minimum, because I know that Johnny Law is RIGHT behind me, ready to breathe all the fury and hellfire of the Henrico County Police Department up my tailpipe.
He's following me uneventfully for quite a way when all of a sudden the blue light special goes into full effect behind me. After darting through a red light at a busy intersection, hopping over a median, driving into a ditch, and following the railroad tracks for a mile, he was STILL behind me. The game was afoot! After giving him a more challenging pursuit, with various obstacles to overcome I finally decided to come to a stop and let him have his say.
So he puts on the hat and does the "T-1000 Terminator" walk from his car up to mine. He asks if I have any idea why he's pulled me over. I say no, because, as I said, I wasn't speeding. Then he tells me that my license plates have expired. Almost three months ago. Well, that's news to me! I never look at my license plates! I'm reasonably certain that they're going to still be there every time I get in and out of my car, as I fastened them pretty securely, so why would I ever bother to look?
Regardless, he says, this is something I should have taken care of. So he writes me up a ticket. So what? Who CARES if my plates are a couple months overdue for renewal? The county's going to get the money ANYWAY now, and now they're getting extra! Those bastards!
Your license plates have expired.
That's a big "No No".
So then the cop wants to search my car. Having nothing to hide, I tell him to go right ahead. And then the bastard actually had the nerve to handcuff and ARREST me just for having ten kilos of cocaine and a dead hooker in the trunk of my car! So what? Who CARES what I have in the back of my car?? That's none of HIS business, I should think! God, but those cops are nosy bastards...I didn't go snooping around through his car so I could judge him about what kinds of things he had in it!
Anyway, then I have to go to court. And then the JUDGE is trying to get all up in my shit too, like he doesn't have anything better to do. I asked him if he had any REAL crime out there to prevent instead of wasting my time with his phony baloney court. Well that seemed to piss him off for some reason, because he started waving around his funny little hammer and hitting things with it. And boy did his face get red! He started yelling things about contempt or something like that, and I told him I wasn't really interested in what he had to say, that I just wanted him to hurry about his silly business so I could get back home and watch my favorite show.
So what if I stuck gum all over the side of the witness stand? So what if I didn't wear pants? Who cares, right? It's MY life, I'll do what I want to with it, and fuck anyone who says different! So what if I farted loudly and repeatedly as the judge was meting out my sentence? Who gives a rat's ass about any of that anyway? And who cares that I offered him one night of sex if he would just let me off the hook? I swear, some people take things too seriously...
I told the judge that this all reminded me of the time my friend got rear-ended on I-95 and traffic started backing up for miles behind us due to all the rubber-neckers who just HAD to stop and see what was going on. And then I decided that if they were going to be staring like idiots, I may as well give them something to see. So I took off all my clothes and started doing jumping jacks in the middle of the highway, with Mr. Happy just flapping and flailing around like he was having the time of his life. The cop who had reported to the scene of the accident responded rather...unfavorably to all this. He gave pursuit, so to get away I had to yank some haggardly old lady from her vehicle and boot her ass to the pavement.
Anyway, the judge didn't like my story, and he made me stop just when it was getting to the good part. I guess he's one of those kinds of guys who likes to stay "focused". Doesn't like a tangent, not at all. So I guess what I'm trying to say with this whole story is that people take things too seriously...that and I'M WRITING THIS NAKED!!! I'M COMPLETELY SANS CLOTHING RIGHT NOW! LIBERATE YOUR BODY FROM ITS CLOTH PRISON AND JOIN ME IN DANCING NAKED IN THE STREET!!! AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, SET YOURSELF ON FIRE, AND THEN GO CHASING SMELLY OLD PEOPLE!!
was still behind bars at the time of writing this article, but
he hopes to be released for good behavior sometime in 2008.