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by: Protoclown

October is definitely my favorite month. It's the beginning of Autumn, the summer heat is finally starting to disappear, and the cool crisp outside air lets you know that you're alive. It's also got one of the best holidays: Halloween. Sure, you may not get a bunch of presents, you may not get to gorge yourself on a gigantic dinner and then spend the next two days recovering on the living room sofa, but you DO get to dress up in crazy costumes and eat lots of candy. That counts for a whole lot in my book. 

Anyway, the reason I'm here today is to tell you about a Halloween "character" that's been around for hundreds of years, but whom you've probably never heard of. And NO, it's not that goddamned "Great Pumpkin" or whatever that stupid thing is. This is something much, MUCH more sinister than any old pumpkin. While your parents told you all about Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny and didn't want you to know that they didn't really exist, THIS particular character is one they hoped you would NEVER learn about the existence of. Gather round the campfire, kids, and I'll tell you a little tale. A tale about...

The Spectral Groper!

Yes, the Spectral Groper. Now before you go off thinking I'm just spouting a bunch of nonsense, think about it for a minute. Think back to last year. Remember when you woke up on November 1st? Remember how you woke up with a sore ass and a funny taste in your mouth? You were probably really confused. It's okay, you can admit it. It happens to ALL of us from time to time. NO ONE IS SAFE FROM THE SPECTRAL GROPER! 

It comes in the middle of the night, has its dirty way with you, and then it is gone, leaving no evidence that you would ever want to admit to! That's why its insidious groping has gone on relatively unrecognized for years! But I'm finally here to call this foul creature out. It's high time somebody took the initiative here and finally faced up to the facts. Here's a little more about what we know about the Groper: 

Yowch! That's gonna hurt in the morning!

First it attacks your ass, then your mouth.
Possibly how the Spectral Groper attacks its victims?

Nobody knows for SURE what the Spectral Groper looks like. Some people describe a floating, incorporeal hand of rotting flesh (or sometimes skeletal) that floats or crawls its way around. Others have described it as looking like a bloated anteater that waddles its way up to you and...well, you know. Still other reports indicate that it looks just like strange old Uncle Harry who spends a lot of time visiting during the Fall holidays. The point is, nobody really KNOWS what it looks like. Nobody's caught the thing on film before. The best we can come up with are dramatizations of what it MAY look like. 

If it were an anteater...
If the Spectral Groper was an anteater,
it would probably look something like this.

We also don't know exactly HOW it does what it does. I mean if it truly IS just a floating hand, the physics of it just don't make sense. The sore ass fits well enough, but HOW would it leave a funny taste in one's mouth, just being a hand? It doesn't make sense. But then that ghostly spooky shit doesn't usually make sense, shrouded in a cloak of mystery as it is. Like the whirling one-eyed goblin bedwetter who used to torment me when I was a child, and still occasionally to this day. But that's neither here nor there. 

One of the other reasons it's so hard to learn more about this Spectral Groper phenomenon is that, as previously mentioned, nobody wants to talk about it. I asked my roommate what he knew about the Spectral Groper, and he stared at me for an uncomfortable moment before slamming his door in my face and clicking the lock securely into place. Clearly, he knows more than he's letting on. Is he afraid that if he rats out the Groper he'll become a frequent victim? Or is he perhaps in league with the lecherous appendage, knee-deep in a conspiracy that reaches the highest echelons of governments across the world? None can say. 

So far the Groper has yet to prove a REAL danger to anybody. The only "menace" it's created so far is that its victims tend to walk bow-legged for several days after one of its visits. It's also caused an increase in mouthwash sales. In short, don't let fear of the Spectral Groper ruin your Halloween fun. It hasn't killed anybody yet...that we know of. If you're really concerned, get yourself some iron underwear. Otherwise, if I were you, I'd stock up on mouthwash.


note: Protoclown is becoming more concerned about the Spectral Groper ever since experiencing several "off season" visits.

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