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by: Jaeger S. Meistersen

The townhouse next door was broken into yesterday. Some jackass calmly sauntered up to the back door and tried to kick it in at around 3:30 in the afternoon while some kids were playing tag football in the little grassy area thirty feet away. They walked into the apartment, looked around, unplugged everything and left. My neighbor looked scarred as she described the scene she returned home to. It was all I could do not to start screaming right there, but there were police present, and they would have thought I was on drugs--those fucking nazis never understand when someone has a moment of revelation like this one.

She looked genuinely scared about the whole thing, and it made me want to bat her head off her shoulders like a squishy game of T-ball. Oh I can understand the fear factor that accompanies your house being broken into, but the incompetents didn't even do anything! They could have at least taken the toaster and a loaf of bread or something. They should have gotten something to show for it. They certainly gave the ILLUSION of having everything prepared for extraction, but they didn't nab any of it!

I always knew my generation was lazy and deficient but this really takes the booby prize. Was it all too heavy to run away with? Did the fun and excitement just wear off about halfway through the job? Or is it some kind of deranged Generation X curse that we can never finish anything we start? Oh, the ideas come readily enough, but the motivation just wears off in a few minutes.

The next thing that occurred to me is this: What were these boobs thinking? Not because I can't imagine, but because they might have something there. Maybe it wasn't just too heavy to walk away with. Maybe they didn't park too far down the block. Maybe this is the most brilliant and insidious crime to be perpetrated thus far in the 21st century--breaking into peoples' houses and not taking anything, just freaking them out. It's a brand new trend among the criminal element: joke crimes.

Maybe we should all try this. Break into an apartment, sneak in and rearrange their living room. How will they be able to explain all the chairs facing away from the television set? Then take all  the dishes and silverware and leave them in a neat pile dead in  the center in the kitchen floor. Nobody will ever be able to  figure that one out, or they'll think ghosts broke in and fucked with them. Turn their VCR and Stereo upside down just for the joy that comes with knowing some gorilla will spend upwards of 20 minutes trying to figure out what's wrong with the VCR with a tape in one hand and the remote in the other, making little grunt noises Afterward you know they're going to wonder about that one forever. If anything looks very carefully organized and alphabetically ordered, mess up the order of it just to cause strife between roommates. Then unplug EVERYTHING and turn off all the breakers  in their electrical room. If there are any pets in the house, let them out, they deserve to be free. Especially the goldfish. If the people are really as good to their fucking animals as they should be, the pets will come back of their own volition. They're probably smarter than the fucking humans anyway. 

Don't forget to wear gloves, you insolent bastard!

When perpetrating this sort of demonstrable action, always try to demonstrate your generosity by planting drugs everywhere for  the police to find when they are called in to investigate.

Is any of this even a crime? Breaking and entering, maybe vandalism. But no destruction of property, no violence, and no theft of any kind. It's the light shit! Even if you get caught for it, you'll walk in a week with enough time to do the same thing two or three more times before the preliminary hearing. My god, man this is perfect!

Why aren't you fucking doing this yet? Go, you fucking monkey! Go!

I get tired to fucking death of the amount of shit my generation takes for being slow, lazy, incompetent, and generally boring. I think we need to spice the world up a bit, and what better fucking way than crime. It's the preferred hobby of half of us, if you  ask any other of the fucking nazis outside the generation, right?

We've taken our fair share of bullshit from these outsiders, it's time we start dishing some of it back to the bastards. It's high fucking time we became the do-ers of the world, god damnit, and  this is something we can do and feel good about! 

And who better to scare than middle aged housewives in "the good neighborhoods". They deserve it for their presupposed security. Yeah, the gated communities might be a little tricky, but that still leaves a lot of the nice areas open and subject to invasion. And we can get some sneaky little shit of a kid to let us in to those gate-happy bastard communities.

My neighbor's townhouse was broken into while kids watched on from the football field, and nobody cared about the gunshot loud bang they made kicking in the door. Better still, it didn't get noticed until an hour later, so apparently nobody else cared about the loud bang either.

So why shouldn't we? What's stopping us? We can get away with this one, and we should!

It's one step better than hate crimes, it's a spite crime. 

note: While Jaeger was writing this piece, -RoG- broke into his house and took a piss in all of his soda bottles. Let's see how he likes spite crimes now! haha!

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