The townhouse next door was broken into yesterday. Some jackass
calmly sauntered up to the back door and tried to kick it in at around 3:30 in the afternoon while some kids were playing tag
football in the little grassy area thirty feet away. They walked
into the apartment, looked around, unplugged everything and left.
My neighbor looked scarred as she described the scene she returned
home to. It was all I could do not to start screaming right there,
but there were police present, and they would have thought I was
on drugs--those fucking nazis never understand when someone has a
moment of revelation like this one.
She looked genuinely scared about the whole thing, and it made me
want to bat her head off her shoulders like a squishy game of T-ball.
Oh I can understand the fear factor that accompanies your house being broken into, but the incompetents didn't even do anything!
They could have at least taken the toaster and a loaf of bread or something. They should have gotten something to show for it.
They certainly gave the ILLUSION of having everything prepared for extraction, but they didn't nab any of it!
I always knew my generation was lazy and deficient but this really
takes the booby prize. Was it all too heavy to run away with? Did the fun and excitement just wear off about halfway through the
job? Or is it some kind of deranged Generation X curse that we can never finish anything we start? Oh, the ideas come readily
enough, but the motivation just wears off in a few minutes.
The next thing that occurred to me is this: What were these boobs
thinking? Not because I can't imagine, but because they might have
something there. Maybe it wasn't just too heavy to walk away with.
Maybe they didn't park too far down the block. Maybe this is the
most brilliant and insidious crime to be perpetrated thus far in
the 21st century--breaking into peoples' houses and not taking anything, just freaking them out. It's a brand new trend among
the criminal element: joke crimes.
Maybe we should all try this. Break into an apartment, sneak in
and rearrange their living room. How will they be able to explain
all the chairs facing away from the television set? Then take all
the dishes and silverware and leave them in a neat pile dead in
the center in the kitchen floor. Nobody will ever be able to
figure that one out, or they'll think ghosts broke in and fucked
with them. Turn their VCR and Stereo upside down just for the joy that comes with knowing some gorilla will spend upwards of 20
minutes trying to figure out what's wrong with the VCR with a tape
in one hand and the remote in the other, making little grunt noises
Afterward you know they're going to wonder about that one forever.
If anything looks very carefully organized and alphabetically ordered, mess up the order of it just to cause strife between
roommates. Then unplug EVERYTHING and turn off all the breakers
in their electrical room. If there are any pets in the house, let them out, they deserve to be free. Especially the
goldfish. If the people are really as good to their fucking animals as they
should be, the pets will come back of their own volition. They're
probably smarter than the fucking humans anyway.
Don't forget to wear gloves, you insolent bastard!
When perpetrating this sort of demonstrable action, always try to demonstrate your generosity by planting drugs everywhere for
the police to find when they are called in to investigate.
Is any of this even a crime? Breaking and entering, maybe vandalism. But no destruction of property, no violence, and no
theft of any kind. It's the light shit! Even if you get caught
for it, you'll walk in a week with enough time to do the same thing two or three more times before the preliminary hearing.
My god, man this is perfect!
Why aren't you fucking doing this yet? Go, you fucking monkey! Go!
I get tired to fucking death of the amount of shit my generation
takes for being slow, lazy, incompetent, and generally boring. I
think we need to spice the world up a bit, and what better fucking
way than crime. It's the preferred hobby of half of us, if you
ask any other of the fucking nazis outside the generation, right?
We've taken our fair share of bullshit from these outsiders, it's
time we start dishing some of it back to the bastards. It's high
fucking time we became the do-ers of the world, god damnit, and
this is something we can do and feel good about!
And who better to scare than middle aged housewives in "the good
neighborhoods". They deserve it for their presupposed security.
Yeah, the gated communities might be a little tricky, but that still leaves a lot of the nice areas open and subject to invasion.
And we can get some sneaky little shit of a kid to let us in to those gate-happy bastard communities.
My neighbor's townhouse was broken into while kids watched on from
the football field, and nobody cared about the gunshot loud bang they made kicking in the door. Better still, it didn't get
noticed until an hour later, so apparently nobody else cared about
the loud bang either.
So why shouldn't we? What's stopping us? We can get away with this one, and we should!
It's one step better than hate crimes, it's a spite crime.
note: While Jaeger was writing this
piece, -RoG- broke into his house and took a piss in all
of his soda bottles. Let's see how he likes spite crimes now! haha!