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by: Protoclown

Iím writing this particular article as that damnable annual end-of-January-waste-of-time-TV-event is taking place: the Super Bowl. There is not a TV in the room where I write this, and even if there was, you can rest assured it would not be tuned in to the Super Bowl, because frankly, I would rather remove my toenails with a frozen spoon than watch that wretched thing.

Let me explain why I have such a vehement hatred for this vile sporting event. First off, Iím not big on sports. I used to be somewhat into them when I was younger, but one day I just moved beyond the point in my life where watching a bunch of grown men in tight pants chasing a ball around in circles had any appeal whatsoever. I take no enjoyment from anything so repetitive or monotonous. Okay, so Iím not big on football, but thatís no reason to really hate the Super Bowl, now is it? Not quite...

My second big reason to hate the Super Bowl is that the whole event revolves around the consumption of beer to a disturbingly pathetic degree. Every other commercial shown during this event is a sexist beer commercial. American culture puts a heavy emphasis on consumption of alcohol to excess already, but the Super Bowl just takes that about twelve steps further. Iím quite certain that if there were some national beer shortage, theyíd have no choice but to cancel the Super Bowl. People just wouldnít know what to do with themselves. Thereíd probably be riots.

Thirdly, the amount of commercialism involved in the Super Bowl disgusts me. I loathe commercials, I donít need some 30-second flashy TV bit spot to tell me whatís important in life, and what I consequently cannot possibly live without. I do this funny little thing called "thinking for myself". Itís quite interesting, and I recommend everyone who doesnít already practice it to give it a try. You just might enjoy it.

You just canít get away from those damned name brands and icons plastered all over the field like corporate graffiti. Everywhere you look is a sign telling you to "Enjoy Coke" or "Crunch all you want' or some such stupidity. Fuck that. There are people out there who watch the Super Bowl JUST for the commercials alone! This to me is one of the most pathetic things a person could possibly do. First of all, itís a commercial. In other words, itís a fucking waste of time. It is to be ignored, not eagerly and giddily anticipated. I donít care how funny you think it is. Itís a waste of time, money, energy, and everything else. I heard that it cost $2.3 million for a 30-second commercial spot this year. Any corporation who will spend that kind of money on something so ludicrous should be destroyed. Do they really think a 30-second spot will convince us to sell our souls? Oh, and by the way, those Budweiser frogs are not, never have been, and never WILL be funny. I donít care how many fucking weasels, ferrets, chimpanzees, or red bellied chinchillas they throw into the mix. Itís simply unfunny. 

Another reason I hate the Super Bowl is that it encourages what I like to call active stupidity. What other event can summon herds of drunken fratboys both current and former together where they will guzzle warm piss and junk food while grunting like apes and excitedly throwing their feces at the television when both happy and upset at the events on the screen? Hrmmm. Okay, come to think of it, there are a lot of events like that. But the Super Bowl is yet another such event, and possibly the biggest one of all. (Not to mention that these wankers completely ignore their wives and girlfriends for a day, but thatís another story). Speaking of stupidity, I actually heard this conversation on the radio the other day: two DJs were talking about the Super Bowl and which bands were going to be performing there. The guy said "I think that the Backstreet Boys <insert vomit sound here> are going to be singing the National Anthem." To which his female co-host replied, "No, I think theyíre going to be singing the Star Spangled Banner instead." And no, she was NOT trying to be funny. I rest my case.

"Wow, you've got nice firm breasts dude!"

One last thing before I go back into hibernation: I heard a figure spouted out somewhere that an estimated $50 million was spent on junk food by Super Bowl fans this year. This enrages me. Itís not like itís anybodyís fucking supper weíre talking about here, this is SHIT. We could take that fucking money and feed an entire nation for months. But I digress. Anyway, to all those who DO watch the Super Bowl, enjoy it. All I ask is that when youíre throwing your feces at the screen, try to hit a Budweiser frog for me. 

note: Protoclown actually loves the Super Bowl, heís just jealous that he doesnít get to pat his teammates on the ass like that. 

note #2: -RoG- is accepting donations so that he can get I-Mockery.com advertised on the Superbowl next year. He's got 5 bucks so far... only about $2 million short! So send in those donations!

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