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by: Max Burbank

It doesn’t seem as if the two or three days shaved off of February should amount to much, but here I am, shocked again it’s almost over. It’s just as well it’s short. February has got to be the crappiest month ever, which is why the power elite made it Black History Month. They’re thinking of taking back the last seven days and making that National Jews, Women and Unsightly Handicapped Folk Week. Groundhog’s day is in February. What could be more celebratory than some morbidly obese rat thing either telling you you’re in for six more weeks of shoveling or lying through his orange, British style teeth that spring is coming early? Valentines day happens in February which is awful no matter what. Either you’re single in which case everyone is laughing at your inadequacy, or you made some huge Valentine’s effort of flowers, dinner, gift event, for someone who gave you a kid’s folded over Scooby Doo card in return or you’re part of an established couple and no matter how it works out it’s just a disappointing reminder of times past and the road not traveled for both of you. On the plus side, it’s a fabulous day to hang yourself.

None of that is what makes February the month it is, though. February offers only one event of significance. Sweeps. The networks will determine how much to charge advertisers in the coming year based on viewership, so they pull cute ‘stunts’ to artificially increase their Nielson ratings, generally the kind of thing the Marquis DeSade would have thought too demeaning for his partners.

Survivor vs. Supersize Friends. I was so overwhelmed with indecision and grief that I didn’t have picture in a picture capacity that I actually pulled off my lower jaw and beat myself comatose with it. I mean, good God, what’s it gonna be? Idiots eating bugs in return for being on TV or the possibility that Rachel and Ross might get back together? Where’s the wisdom of Solomon when you need it?

West Wing Vs. Temptation Island. Do we go with the Bizarro Whitehouse where an intelligent, liberal administration tries to uphold the public trust without abusing their power, or ‘succumb’ to ‘temptation’? You
know what ‘temptation Island’ tempts me to do? Run my man part through one of them Olde Tyme wash ringers. Actually, if you flip back and forth between the two programs at stroboscopic speed you get a fairly good
approximation of the current Administration.

Okay, lets be frank. If the network programmers are reading this (and I find it hard to imagine them doing anything less than doting on my every written word), it’s time for you to realize just how jaded your viewing
public is. Ten more minutes of excruciatingly stereotyped flouncing on "Will and Grace" is not going to get me to tune in. Barbara Streisand duct taped to the floor of the "Robot Wars" (Battlebots) arena would. Packaged reality shows where recognition crazed cretins starve themselves and roll naked in the mud mere feet away from the Teamsters mandated crew catering table? No. Celebrity Jeopardy with Anna Nicole Smith, George ‘Dubya’ Bush and Steven Hawking, who knows all the answers but can’t buzz in? Yes. XFL? I can’t be bothered. A special ‘Frontline’ on the injection of various unknown chemical irritants into the collective
testicles of the Back Street Boys? Wild horses, my friends. So don’t be shy. The Roman Emperors knew that bread and circuses kept the masses from focusing on their misery long enough to revolt. So televise a to
the death chainsaw match between Britney Spears and Gallagher with a half time show featuring a thong clad Dick Chenny being forced to run himself into a coronary on a human sized Hamster Wheel. Or... we'll rise up
and kill you.

note: Max Burbank is just pissed off that they cancelled his favorite show, "Bass Fishing With Jeb and Cletus".

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