Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
About Us Store Advertising Contact New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun! New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun!


by: Killing Joke

In this day and age...I am in pure hell. Not because of the Greenhouse effect or high gas prices, or the threat of nuclear holocaust. You see, I can deal with these simple things...but what the hell is with the rise in popularity of teenagers in everyday culture now?! I mean, they are everywhere now, especially on television. They have those nice bright, shining faces, zero acne, and their seemingly intelligent minds, just gleaming right off the screen. But is this realistic?! Hell no!

Why? With their uninformed decision making skills, zitty faces, and complete lack of any experience in anything, it's easy to surmise that teenagers are possibly the biggest morons known on the face of the Earth. The saddest thing about this situation is that they have NO CLUE that they are complete imbeciles! They will prattle on endlessly about topics that they have no clue about, while simultaneously thinking that truly the world rotates around them! I call this affliction "Teenagus Moronitus", and you can see it's deadly affliction most prominently in popular culture.

These shows are oh so deep...

Shows like "Dawson's Creek" and "Popular" are just so frighteningly unrealistic that it makes me want to lose my cookies at moments notice. I would rather grind my teeth into the side of a brick than take the time to watch these shows. No teenager's brain is capable of the thought of true emotions or to pull off cool capers like that. Sure, they like to think so...but it never works out. Ironically, that's why you always see actors in there early twenties, playing teenage roles in television and movies, because they are not afflicted with "Teenagus Moronitus" and a teenager's feeble egocentric and childlike mind cannot fathom the idea of reading a script. What about child actors that actually can read their lines? Well because of the disease...they just a ticking time bomb, ready to knock over a 7-11 at a moments notice!

Teen Pop Music is even worse than the television shows! "Teenagus Moronitus" conquers this realm the most! Could there be any musical form that is more flaccid, vapid, and fabricated by the music industry to move merchandise? Slayer isn't evil, but the damn Backstreet Boys are! Have we turned a deaf ear to the evils that come out of their music? Much like the movie "They Live", but with a much more sinister premise. I think there are subliminal messages in these albums, but instead of telling you to kill your parents and worship Satan, it makes compels you to wear baggy-assed pants, drink Pepsi, and shop at Structure. Turning young impressionable minds into mindless, drooling, drone-like mallrats with only a compulsion to spend endless amounts of (their parents) money. Even the "heavier" teenage driven acts, are nothing but whining about their horrible little disenchanted lives. Songs like "Last Resort" by Papa Roach is a perfect example of this (not to mention a clear rip-off of the guitar melody by Iron Maiden's "Infinite Dreams"). Yeah...you know, that horrible life where you have three square hot meals a day, you live in a nice warm house, and where you have every creature comfort that a good middle class background gives you. Yessirree...that's just a terrible life! I would hate to be there! WAAAAAAAAH! We must kill off these "musicians" (I use the term loosely) before anything worse happens! I mean...we already got rid of Debbie Gibson and Tiffany, so we don't need to bring back "mall-culture" back into the world. 

How am I capable of making these grand assumptions? It's rather simple, because, I used to be one. I was also afflicted with "Teenagus Moronitus" for a certain period of time. Sure, I know that is hard to believe, with me being the perfect individual that I am, but it's true. Yes...I'm not too proud of it, but I feel that this article is a good forum for letting the truth come out. I was also an egocentric witless twit, that occasionally frequented the mall for entertainment. But I was lucky...I was able to beat the disease! By figuring out how pathetic and pointless my stupid little insignificant life in grand scheme in this world. I figured it out, and hopefully, most people do...but not all of them. Some people never grow out of it! So when you meet someone like that...just tell them, "shut the hell up, you aren't going to change the world, and get a fucking job!" Hopefully it will exorcise the demon known as "Teenagus Moronitus" and drive them away from the evils of the mall.  

note: Ironically enough, after Killing Joke wrote this essay, he had a relapse of "Teenagus Moronitus" and works at the mall full time. Hopefully this will only be a short term tenure of the disease

note #2: -RoG- wonders, "Is it just me, or does 'Teenagus Moronitus' sound like it came from one of tose Wiley Coyote vs. The Roadrunner cartoon episodes?"

Come talk about this piece in our forums!

Back To Visionary Darkness Main

[Minimocks] [Articles] [Games] [Mockeries] [Shorts] [Comics] [Blog] [Info] [Forum] [Advertise] [Home]

Copyright © 1999-2007 I-Mockery.com : All Rights Reserved : (E-mail)
No portion of I-Mockery may be reprinted in any form without prior consent
We reserve the right to swallow your soul... and spit out the chewy parts.