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by: Protoclown

Children of the 80s, rejoice! For they say that they are bringing back the oldschool Transformer toys! All of your old favorites: Ironhide, Soundwave, Optimus Prime, back in all their shiny die-cast glory! And these rumors are easily believed, in the light of all the other recent nostalgic 80s toy re-releases.

However, upon examining these hopeful rumors a bit more closely, I begin to wonder whether or not this will really take us back to the days of our childhood, or if it will simply remind us how pathetically these days pale in comparison to the glorious days of our youth. 

For you see, there is a small problem with this whole Transformers toy re-release in America. And that problem lies with the biggest, most badass motherfucking bad guy of them all: Megatron. Because Megatron transforms into a gun. Not only does Megatron transform into a gun, but he transforms into a reasonably realistic looking (from a distance anyway) Walther P-38. And in today's suck world, that would never fly. 

You can walk into any toy store today and find all sorts of McFarlane toys covered in blood and gore (most of which are very nicely done, by the way, save for the fact that lately they've had almost no articulation), a 12-inch Venom toy with what must be size 40 DD breasts, and a transforming Punisher toy where a giant cannon comes out of his crotch as you change him into some twisted, freakish human gun (all of which have to be scarring kids for life, especially that last one!!!) but I challenge you to find a toy that looks even REMOTELY like a real gun. 

Yes, and all because some dumbass kid way back when was fucking stupid enough to point his toy gun at a cop, and ended up getting shot. So now the REST of us are going to have to walk down the toy aisle some day to be greeted with a blaze ORANGE (or something equally hideous) version of Megatron sitting on the shelves. It's either that or no Megatron at all! The odds of them re-releasing Megatron without changing him are so small that you may as well just forget about it right now. 

Ahh, I fondly remember the days of my childhood, running around with my friends, mugging complete strangers on the street and robbing banks with Megatron. Yes, we could do anything with Megatron in our grip, and the world was ours for the taking. But see, we were smart enough to point the wrath of the fearsome Decepticon leader in the direction of weak and defenseless people. Not some fucking cop! How are the children of today supposed to have the same kind of good-natured, all American fun when their Megatron is colored bright ORANGE? They'll be laughed right out of the 7-11 rather than have the entire contents of the register dropped before them! And really, what kind of childhood is that, I ask you? Hell, you'd have just as much success robbing somebody with the Punisher crotch cannon than you would with the cold orange steel of Megatron! 

What the hell is my point, you ask? Just simply, that these are sad times we live in. Every time some stupid kid contender for the Darwin Award out there fucks up, it seems a flock of "experts" have to come in and decide to ruin everybody's fun. And maybe it is safer for everybody involved if toy guns these days don't look real, but how many kids did you know who were going to launch a joke assault on the cops anyway? ("Hee hee, come on, Billy, it'll be so funny! The looks on their faces! BLAM! BLAM! Oh fuck!") In this day and age, we seem to be overreacting to EVERYTHING. Anytime something bad happens, we've got to charge on in and "fix" the problem, when in fact most of the time it was just one or two complete fuck ups who were involved in the first place, and the rest of humanity manages to get by just fine without any problems. 

In short, I miss Megatron. More to the point, I miss the days back when you could give people enough credit to be smart enough NOT to do stupid shit like point a toy gun at an armed police officer just to see what would happen. These are sad, pathetic times in many, many ways. A few things about our society may have improved over the last ten years or so, but in our insanely stupid effort to be politically correct and be conscientious of the children (Oh! Always, for the good of the children! We'll turn them into mindless morons by shoveling shit like the Teletubbies down their throats!) we seem to have left our brains behind. 

So when the time comes that the old Transformers toys are re-released, I will HAVE my Megatron. Whether I have to get an import from Japan, find an oldschool version in good condition, or whatever. It will be mine. And I suggest anyone else who is interested do the same. We shall march on Washington with our army of Megatrons, and we will change the face of the world. 


note: Protoclown never actually owned a Megatron toy when he was a kid, but his friend had one, and even let him touch it once. The toy! Err, the pistol! The Transformer!

note #2: -RoG- still believes to this very day that he was raped by his transformer toys.

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