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by: McClain

I spend countless hours surfing the web looking for humor sites. To this day, I'd say I've easily found hundreds. Some are okay, others are shoddy. The most popular of all humor rags would probably be The Onion. Second to that is definitely I-Mockery. But still, with countless sources of humor circulating on the net, the most entertaining is right under your nose. 

The Weekly World News. Yes, the gossip garbage newspaper you find in the checkout isle at the grocery. You know the one. The magazine that runs headlines like "BABY BORN WITH FALSE TEETH" and "BATBOY ESCAPES CHICAGO HOSPITAL." Sure you've seen it, but did you really know it was there? 

Hey, I'm sure you didn't look this good
when you were born. So shut up.

I was at K-Mart with my brother a couple days ago. Aside from being the typical public nuisance (wherein I open boxes of Captain Crunch and shoot the nuggets from my nose in to the shopping cart) I occasionally take the time to look what's on the shelves. That's when I noticed the Weekly World News. It's was as if the clouds parted and a heavenly beam of light descended directly on the paper. I even heard that glorious sound of angels singing in my head. And for once, they overpowered the voices. 

On the cover of the Weekly World News was "FROG BABY BORN IN KANSAS." Wow. A frog baby was born in Kansas! Were you aware of this shit? And according to the paper, "He sleeps in the sink - and eats flies!" That poor bastard! He sleeps in the sink for the love of God! You're probably asking yourself the same question I asked when I first read the article. No, when the mother kissed the baby, it did not turn in to a prince. 


Where have I been? And does Jerry Springer know about this? And did you know that two weeks ago to this day, Bill caught Hillary with a space alien? The fine journalists at WWN never deliberated if they were caught making wild extra-terrestrial love or if it was strictly platonic, but it piqued my curiosity. Sure, Bill fucked up when he fed Monica the albino rhythm stick, but SLEEPING WITH AN ALIEN is no way to get back at an unfaithful partner. That's just wrong. 

But with the good news comes the bad. And when it rains, it pours. Shit, just the other night a group of drunken scientists went on an all-night cloning rampage. The sloppy bastards cloned each other, too. "...five Ph.D. candidates from prestigious Trinity University ushered in the New Year by attempting to create a menagerie of clones in the schools' biology lab - while stinking drunk!" claims the WWN. This explains Anne Heche and Robert Downy Jr. 

But this rag can also be therapeutic for relationships. It covers important topics and relates them to the common citizen. "Hubby's teeny weenie is a thorn in my backside!" claims a reader. So on top of late-breaking news, they also offer top-notch advice! Dotti, the WWN equivalent of Abbi, answers questions like: 

Dear Dotti: My younger sister is driving me nuts, because she is totally unoriginal and has to imitate every single thing I do. If I dye my hair, she dyes hers the same color, if I wear cowboy boots, she runs out and buys a pair... She walks and talks like me so much people think we're twins, even though we're two years apart... How can I make my kid sister get her own life? - Terri in New York 

Dear Terri: Tell her you're planning to get a sex change, and give her the name of a doctor! 

And then there's Ed Anger, and boy is he angry! He's been known to open his columns with a cannonade of vocal detonation. 

"I'm madder than a grease monkey with a crooked dipstick...", "I'm madder than a weightlifter with a slippery barbell...", "I'm madder than a referee in a polka-dot shirt...", "I'm madder than a swami with a knot in his turban...", "I'm madder than an Italian with a soggy meatball..." and "Nothing gets me more pig-biting mad than a bunch of foreigners coming to this country, settling down, taking our jobs - and then refusing to learn how to talk and act like Americans!" Ed gets so mad that he bites pigs! Now that's pretty mad! WWN dug up some dirt to find this guy! The paper includes conspiracy theories, too. Did you know that an Arab billionaire obsessed with creating the perfect racehorse is sponsoring macabre experiments in which human brains have been transplanted into horses? I didn't know that either. 

I change my mind. This magazine isn't humor. It's too good to be humor. Humor doesn't fill in all the gaps. Laughter doesn't answer all the universal questions that plague us as a species. Where are God and Satan located? "They are only 70 yards apart," says the WWN. What will happen at the end of times? "All Mankind will stop working and party 24 hours a day." What about animal rights? "Blind mutt gets 'Seeing Eye' dog!" All the answers - right there in black and white. 

Or maybe humans with bat faces descended from bats!

But really folks - as funny as this all sounds, I'm filled with an inner dejection for the reality this magazine endows on gullible readers. Somewhere, some backwards degenerate is taking the WWNs' reporting seriously. No, I'm being honest. There is someone stupid enough to read that shit and somehow manage to intertwine the bizarre plots with their own reality, which can only be the aggregate of a simplistic life. Someone is so deranged and lacking in the verve of content which life has bestowed that they consider it actuality. 

These are the same people who spend hours reading and forwarding chain emails and calling that wanna-be Jamaican tarot-card bitch. It's much easier to laugh at people like this, but I prefer resorting to cynicism and calling them ignorant pissants. 

But I digress - if people didn't read the WWN, it wouldn't still be published. And as much faith as I have in humanity, I can say without blinking that I know there are few people who purchase the paper with the same intentions I have; to be consumed in mirth. 

People purchase WWN and publications of the likeness because they want it to be true. They want to believe, for some fucked-up reason that "Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy, the former circus performer whose poignant plea for tolerance touched the hearts of millions of Weekly World News readers, was brutally attacked by a gang of vicious skinheads who beat him half to death!" 


Having read the magazine from front to back, my simple conclusion is that we, as a nation, need to make amends with Mexico. We need to give them whatever they want and let as many people cross the border as they see fit. Why? Because the "Mexican UFO flies faster - and quieter - than the B-2 Stealth Bomber"! And it's shaped like a sombrero! The Mexican Starship is out there. I swear to God. And it's been right under our nose this whole time.

note: In case you were wondering, McClain is single-handedly keeping the Weekly World News in circulation.

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