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by: Protoclown

Has anybody ever noticed just how creepy twins are? I’m not talking about fraternal twins, they’re all right. It’s the identical ones that really freak me out. I mean they’re just really quite creepy. Especially little kids, particularly the ones that are dressed identically by their parents, or whatever hellspawn they happened to emerge from. 

Why are they creepy? Maybe it’s just because they’re so damned hard to tell apart. Maybe it’s because they’re almost certain to share some evil psychic link through which they communicate constantly and can say any kind of horrible things about you without restraint. Or perhaps it’s just that they look like the result of some mad scientist’s evil experiment in advanced cloning procedures. Whatever it is about them, it’s undeniable that they can be a bunch of freaky buggers. 

I mean, think about how many child twins you’ve seen in horror movies. There’s a bloody REASON why you keep seeing them in these horror films! Because they’re fucking scary! Just think about those two little girls from "The Shining" that were always just standing around and never saying anything. Their entire purpose was to freak people out, which they succeeded at admirably. Then there’s those damned Olsen twins. Anything they’ve ever been in is automatically considered "horror", no matter what the original intent of the production may have been. 

Twins are also confusing as hell. There were these two twins in my dorm back in college who I would see from time to time. Every once in a while, I’d see one of them walking around campus by himself, but I would never know which one he was. Sometimes we’d even nod to each other while walking by (you know that nod that only guys seem to ever make to acknowledge each other’s presence). He’d nod to me because he recognized me, and I’d nod back because I recognized him, but at the same time I didn’t know which bloody one he was! It would be too awkward to befriend twins, because I’d never know which one I was talking to. Plus there’s that whole psychic link thing so I know they’d be saying shit about me all the time.

Most important is the observation I have made regarding twins of good and evil natures. You see, there are only two types of twin pairs you may encounter, and they are as follows: 

  1. A set of twins where one is good and one is evil, 


  2. A set of twins where they are both completely and irredeemably evil.

There are no pairs of twins where they are BOTH good! They just don’t exist! Have you ever known any? I don’t think so! 

Take the Crimson Twins, Tomax and Xamot, from G.I. JOE. They were twisted investment bankers who worked for Cobra, an evil organization bent on world domination. You can’t try to tell me that these were nice guys! Anyone who will sit down and have tea and crumpets with company such as Zartan and Cobra Commander probably isn’t going to be on your Christmas card list, you know? (YO JOE!)

Tomax and Xamot!
"Tea and crumpets anyone?"

Then there are the hideously baneful Olsen twins who I mentioned before. These are quite possibly the most insidiously evil form of all, for they harbor their corrosively evil natures under an exterior of such disgusting "cuteness" that most average dim-witted humans are fooled by their transparent charade. Clearly, they must be destroyed.

I believe I’ve come up with an ingenious solution to this problem of twin identification, and all thanks to G.I.JOE. What we should do is get every evil twin out there and carve a two inch scar into their right cheek, just like Xamot’s. That way we’ll immediately know which of the twins is the evil one, and everybody will also be able to tell them apart at the same time. No longer will you loan your CDs to the guy with the scar on his face, because you know he won’t give them back, or they’ll be all scratched up when he does. Naturally in cases where both twins are evil, we’ll scar the opposite cheek on the other twin, so that they can be twisted mirror images of one another. This will definitely work. Trust me. If it doesn’t, oh well, at least it’ll be fun to carve gashes into the faces of those Olsen twins!

note: Protclown’s evil twin, Bippy the Clown, currently resides in the basement, where he is tethered to a spike in the ground and subsists off of rat droppings.

note #2: -RoG- thinks we should turn the evil twin inside-out, that way he or she will be CLEARLY distinguishable from the other.

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