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Oh joy of joys, another holiday is upon us, only this one could
very well be the worst of them all. You can close your eyes, you
can pretend it's not really happening. Whether you admit it or
not is irrelevant... Valentine's Day is here. 'Tis the season to
be an ugly pink color. I'm sure this will come as a huge shock
to you all, but I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY. There is so much to hate
about it that it makes me sick! I am not even sure where to
begin. A friend sent me a Valentine's Day card which concluded
with this statement: "Have a nice February 14th! (But NOT a
Happy Valentine's Day...I HATE Valentine's Day!)" This was an
actual card, so I guess there are some people out there who
understand the truth about this pointless holiday. I also read a
passage in my philosophy book that I found quite good, "A crust
of bread is better than nothing. Nothing is better than true
love. Therefore, a crust of bread is better than true love."
Maybe I was harsh when I once said 98% of the people on this planet are complete
idiots. I'd like to change that number to 97.5% of the people
are ignorant instead. Thank you. Anyway, back to VD. (hahah,
don't take that abbreviation the wrong way please).
I think I will start with the various gifts that are handed
out during this sickeningly love-infested day. First thing is first:
IT'S TIME TO GET RID OF THE DAMNED PLUSH TOYS ONCE AND FOR ALL! A
friend of mine got a plush doll that was supposed to sing a song
or something when you squeezed it's stomach, instead it made a
grumbling noise and I thought it was hemorrhaging! Plush Toys
are stupid and pointless! They get eaten up by your pets or
ruined when you spill your food on them, so either way they're
not going to be there for very long. PLUS, they are a complete
rip-off! I saw on a talk show, that my roommate had left on t.v., a new line of
"Boyz 2 Men Plush Bears" that sing their
(cough, cough) "hit" songs. But that wasn't the part that made
me laugh, it was their sales pitch for their new plush bears.
"They will be in stores soon and they are UNDER THIRTY DOLLARS!"
Well hey! I'm sold! I'll take a whole crate of them! Yeah, I'll
take a whole crate right after I steal your credit cards you
rich bastards. I'll have a Plush Doll bonfire and I'll hear them
all singing your songs as they burn in a glorious flame! How
about that!!!? Get rid of the plush dolls people, they are
stupid, they are expensive, and any Gi-Joe figurines could kill
them easily.
Now we move on to another area of gift giving: The
Candy. There is only one aspect of the Valentine's Day candies
that I like: The mini red-hot fire candies (sorry, I don't know
the exact name for them.). They are basically the size of
Chicklets™ and they are red and cinnamon flavored and they are
hot. Actually they're not really that hot unless you eat a lot
of them, but at least it is PAIN of some sort. I think it's good
that someone out there was able to associate Pain with Love and
combine them both into a sadistic Valentine's Day treat. All the
other candy is pointless. There's the infamous "Whitman's
Sampler" which I really get angry at. I hate ALL of the
chocolate's that come with them except the caramel ones, but
there's only like two or three of them in each box (which costs
like 10 bux). So you feed the rest to your dog and get
amused watching "fido" puke up a bunch of chocolate covered
yaknuts or whatever the hell they cover with chocolate in those
vile sampler boxes. Of course, there are those "romantic
dinners" that cost a fortune that some idiots go through the
trouble of setting up. I wont bother to talk about how stupid I
think that is when you can just go to Taco Bell and have a
better tasting meal (Besides, I would NEVER pay more than
10 bux for a meal, per person, no matter HOW good it is).
Now for the flowers. Oh yes we love the pretty flowers!
The dead plant carcasses that we torture for a week or two while
they try to struggle for their life in some cup that we put them
in as we watch them wrinkle up and die slowly. Kind of symbolic
isn't it? Actually, I don't have much of a problem with flowers
just as long it's not one of the "Econo-Sized-Jumbo-Pack-Big-Boy-Flower-Arrangements" that you
see people getting. There's people that have to move out of
their rooms and sleep in the hallway because they received so
many flowers and now they have to wait until they all die. I
think sending a simple card is the best thing to do. "Dear Jane,
Congratulations, you made it to another Valentine's Day and you
are still alone. Hope you don't kill yourself by this time next
year! Love, Bob. " is what they should all read. Nice and honest. It shows good
common courtesy and lets the person know you care about them
enough to lick a nasty tasting stamp and send something
pointless to them. Nobody loses money over them, unless you are
one of those "card nutz" who has to give everyone they see a
card. "Who are you? Here take a card! I don't care if I don't
know you! Just take one!" I've met many people like that. Plus,
if everyone would just give each other cards, nobody would feel
guilty. You've heard or or experienced that guilt I'm sure: "Joe
Cool" bought Helga a two-ton box of chocolate's and she didn't
even spell his name right on the microscopic card she bought
him. Who got the better end of that deal? See, with cards, you
eliminate all of that guilt. So just get your most cherished
one a gift they wont feel bad about. Get them a card and give
them some of those painful-cinnamon-flavored fire candies too! hahaha!
Actually, there is the problem with the cards not
getting to the person on time, but that's not the card's fault.
That blame lies in the hands of your lazy ass or the postal
service or both. There's also people who just hate Valentine's
Day in general for whiny reasons. "This time last year I had a boyfriend." WAH!
"This time last year I was in love!" WAH! Guess what? THIS TIME
THIS YEAR YOU ARE STILL LIVING IN DENIAL ABOUT THE PAST! GET
OVER IT!! I knew a guy who sent HIMSELF a flower! He proudly
admits it, which I think is cool `n all, but this is the kind of
mentality that one can witness during this damned holiday. I
would have at least sent myself a hammer to belt Cupid on the
head with. Let me tell you about Cupid. I just found out that he
supposedly shot "Golden Love Arrows" at one person and shot
"Lead Hate Arrows" at the other person. Cupid was cynical as
HELL! He would make one person fall madly in love with a person,
and make the other person hate the person who was now completely
in love with them! Talk about devious! I still think Cupid shot
me with one lead arrow too many. I just hate too much for my own good at times.
Actually, I hate too much for YOUR own good as well. But it's
fun, so I will continue my happy-hate-filled ways forever. I
have also heard of the many stories about "Unwanted Valentines".
Yes, you know that every Valentine's Day there is someone who is
getting stalked by someone that they are scared as hell of. They
get roses dipped in blood, they get cinnamon fire candies laced
with cocaine, etc. It doesn't matter, this just proves that this
holiday is a day in which the psycho's of our society can commit
their crimes freely and harass the hell out of us.
I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY. I HATE THE RED COLOR. I HATE THE PINK COLOR. I
HATE CUPID. I HATE THE LUBBY-DUBBY CRAPOLA. This morning I had
an idea of a "Hate Holiday™" and ironically my friend back at
home sent me mail suggesting that he had the exact same idea. I
guess we have one of those "mental links" or something. Anyway, it
really is a good idea. I can see it now, "Happy Hate Day™! Kill
Yourself!". It will be the holiday where everyone who hates
Valentine's Day can get back at all of the people who love it.
Actually, I'm sure plenty of people will die on Valentine's Day
just like every other day. So ya see, Valentine's Day isn't all
that gleeful and joyous. It's a time that reminds all of us
people who don't have anyone that we actually can care about, and
say stupid mushy words and repeat the phrase "Happy Valentine's
Day!" 5,000 times a day, that "Everything Sucks, why not have
fun with hating the mushy bastards while you can?" |
