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SO YOU'RE GOING TO THE VIDEO STORE, EH?
by: -RoG-

Someone's in the bathroom. Someone keeps looking at the clock. You are thinking that the plants need watering. And everyone else is obviously is bored off their minds. So, you finally build up enough anger inside of you and blurt out, "Fuck it, lets get a movie." Your buddies pat you on the back with sighs of relief because they were just waiting for someone to say that phrase. So, you all pile into a small car knowing full well there's no law-abiding way that you can all possibly fit into it. Still, you manage. If you are lucky, you have a friend who works at a video store and can get you your movies for free, otherwise, you have to scrounge up enough pocket change from you and your friends. So you finally get to the video store, lets call it "First Video" for the heck of it. You walk up to First Video, noticing how one of the letters in the neon sign is flickering on and off. (This sign flickering is typical of any generic video store.) You walk inside and you think to yourself, "Ahhhh, life." Thousands of movies are now at your disposal (or hundreds, depending on how generic the video store is).

First thing is first, EVERYONE goes their separate ways browsing the whole store looking for something that they can keep in the back of their heads to recommend viewing. Then someone finally says, "So what kind of movie do you guys wanna see?" Of course, everyone wants to see a different kind of movie. Or one pain in the ass will say something like, "Oh, I guess I'll watch anything that has horror, comedy, or action, or drama in it." That's the equivalent of walking down the cereal isle in the grocery store as a kid, and when your mom asks you what kind of cereal you want you tell her, "Something with marshmallow's and free surprises inside of it mommy," which of course describes about 90% of the "nutritional breakfasts" that cereal companies have to offer us. Anyway, back to the video store stuff. There's always someone with a really weird video taste or always likes seeing movies he/she has already seen. (I'm proud to say, quite often this is me.) Someone will also probably recommend one of those damned japanimation movies like "Akira" or something. Now, I have no real problem with these movies, and the work and talent it takes to make one is amazing. Still, after about 10 minutes of these things, I start to feel extremely bored like I'm watching a 2-hour version of Speed Racer™. I mean, who the hell wants to see the same animation for that long. I hated Akira with all the damned shouts of "Aieeeee!!" every two seconds. Eugh! Anyway, most of the other people in your group will agree with you when you turn down the japanimation suggestion.

There's always a pain in the ass who wants to watch a movie that was on t.v. just the other night, so you all wind up yelling at him/her for not watching it then. Then there is another person who loves watching just downright stupid movies. I'm not talking about the good stupid movies like "Evil Dead" or something. I'm talking about the movies like "Slumber Party Massacre" or "The Nail gun Massacre" (Again, I'm proud to say that this is often me). There's also someone who doesn't even help out the group by searching for a decent movie, and instead is watching the movie that's being showed on t.v. in the store. Then there are the REAL losers that are unfortunately with you OR they are in the store while you are there. These are the underaged morons that hangout near the "Adult Door" the whole time you are there trying to act like they are looking for some other non-pornographic type movie as they peruse the box of a Voltron™ cartoon. In actuality, they are just waiting for someone who is old enough to go inside the adult room so they can get a "quick peek" at what is inside of the room. Of course, there is always the video store run by morons who will either let anyone, regardless of their age, enter the porno room or the door is always cracked open to tease the various perverted minds of the children in the store. I'm not saying that these are the only people interested in these movies, quite often I've been with friends who wanted to rent these damned things. Oh well, to each his/her own (even if they are perverted bastards). There's also someone who is on a "Actor-Craze" as of lately. This means the person is renting any movie that has this certain actor in it. It's happened to me many times. As of lately I have been on a Christopher Walken craze because I don't think anyone can act as well as he can nor as evil. The funny thing is, it doesn't matter how shitty the movie really is because you have already convinced yourself that it is the best thing since Elmer's glue (not to mention you don't care how bad it sucks because you are just THAT BORED).

Chances are there is a thief (if not a bunch of thieves) in your group who is determined on stealing anything from the store just for the sake of saying he/she stole something. It's quite amusing watching people stuff the box to a movie down their pants or swipe a kit-kat from the front desk isn't it? You see, there are many various personalities one can come in contact with at a video store. Everyone has their own preferences for movies. So it all really boils down to one or more of the following to decide on a movie:

1) Who has the money (if you don't get movies for free),
2) Who is willing to wait the longest and be stubborn enough so that he/she can rent the movie of their choice.
3) The fact that the video store is about to close.

Well, since you have already been in the video store for more than a half-hour, you are getting quite irritated along with the rest of your friends. I'm envious of ANYONE who can make it in and out of a video store in less than a half-hour because I can't ever make up my fucking mind. Now you are near the breakpoint, and this is where I need to introduce you to the new and increasingly popular sport entitled "The Poster Beatdown™". That's right, it is played just like the name says. You see, unless you are in the shithole of all video stores, there is almost always a vat of posters labeled "Free Posters". They should be rolled up fairly tight and stapled. If they are not, you should ask one of the clerks that works oh so hard all day long for a stapler so you can prepare the posters for battle yourself. Now if you are really daring and don't care about losing your membership and getting arrested, you can play this game inside the store. Otherwise, I recommend taking it outside. As one of the founding fathers of this sport, I need to tell you, if you have long annoying hair, tie it back or wear a hat while you are playing this or you will experience PAIN. Now you and whoever else is so bored need to go outside with a set of two prepared posters each. It is preferable that each of you have two posters, but the game still works if each of you only has one. From here on out, you make up your own rules. In my experiences with "The Poster Beatdown™" I have noticed that facial hits seem to be the best. I do warn you, however, these hits can indeed be quite painful. Still, it is worth the pain because you feel relieved of all stress and anger (at least temporarily) and it feels great. There's really nothing you can't do in this game. If you get the posters ripped up or knocked out of your hands, tackle the guy. Trust me, it works, cuz that's what happened to me and I got tackled. Plus, besides the glory of taking your anger out on a close friend, you get to witness the reactions of all the people driving by thinking you and your opponent are insane as they prepare to call the cops on their cancer-infested cellular phones. I want to try having a GROUP of people join in this game in sort of a "every man for himself" type situation. So there you have "The Poster Beatdown™" game.

Now, you and your friend return to the video store both red-faced and covered with bleeding lacerations all over your bodies and you are feeling great. Now EVERYONE has joined that one guy who was watching the movie on t.v. because they couldn't agree on anything. So finally you get pissed and go look for something yourself and wind up renting something like "The Goonies" or "Big Trouble In Little China" or "Spies Like Us" or one of the best movies ever such as "Cabin Boy" which has a thick plot and superb acting. Basically, something everyone has seen, but they can agree to watch again. So you finally pay the money and travel back to the home of the person who has the most food/drinks and a vcr. You settle down and watch the movie(s) and your night is set. Of course, it does suck that this is what happens almost every night, but at least it kills time. So join the ranks of the millions who watch movies every night because life sucks and there's nothing else to do. Sure it's lazy, sure it's systematic to do it that often, but who cares? Would you rather be outside jogging and thinking about how good that cracklin' oat bran is going to taste in the morning? NO. Would you rather be sleeping at 8pm and wind up waking up real early in the morning, hence, making your next wretched day even longer? NO. Would you rather be sitting around all damned night long with your friends saying, "Man, what do you guys wanna do?" over and over again just like you have done in the past? NO. So sit down on your fat lazy ass and enjoy some good boredom-curing and pathetically pointless movies that you and your friends worked hard to settle for while you were at "First Video". If people call you a lazy bastard, simply laugh and respond with the following statement: "Look, I got off my ass and went all the way to the video store. I got plenty of exercise thanks to the art of "The Poster Beatdown™" and I came all the way back home. Now that sounds like an active person to me! Shut up and enjoy the movie."

See What Happens When Yer Not Careful?

REMEMBER! Practice Poster-Beatdown™ Safety!


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