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ONE STEP TO WEB TRENDINESS
(youíll be hearing the word "trend" very often)

by: McClain

Being trendy, it seems, is a part of American life. I recently spent a week in Seattle (motto: "Weíre Trendy!") where I noticed the largest setting of trend-based scenes and fashions over any major city to which Iíve been. Itís taking over the Northwest. People wearing trendy clothing, i.e. leather jackets with intentionally unkempt hair, horn-rimmed glasses and frayed khaki Capri pants, are amassing in gargantuan numbers and taking over the streets - purposely mismatching prep clothing; using neckties as belts and layering $80 dusty jeans with v-neck T-shirts, Abercrombie plaids and long-sleeve Polo shirts. 

But trendiness has escaped the meager boundaries of the tangible dimension and crashed its way in to the information highway like a speeding, albeit derailing train. Damn Trendies! (P.s.; they will be referred to as "Trendies" from here on out.)

Before I grind in, let me inform you that I had no title or a true theme for this story until I was finished writing it. I wasnít sure if I was going to write a theme like "Internet For Dummies" and make it about trendiness on the web. I also considered titling the article as "5 Steps 2 Web Trendiness" but I donít have five steps.

I feel as though I should also apologize for the numerous times I use the word "trend," or any variation of, throughout this article. Itís fuckiní hard to find a synonym for that particular word. 

Trend takes on many forms. It can come in the form of colors, catch phrases, clothing, dťcor, and in the case of the Internet: design. Pinpointing a trendy web site can be difficult, however there are definitive telltale signs. Iím going to teach you how to be trendy on the web so that you can spot a Trendie and bash their head through their rectum.

Hey, isn't that the gay guy from Eyes Wide Shut?
Prime example of a trendy site. I swear that two months ago it had pictures of rugged rappers in red pleather.

First off, youíll need an alias. Trend-based web work starts at the ground up, and making a good name for your self is where it all begins. Pick a name like Hanz, Fransz, Nigel, Niles or Miles. Even if youíre female. 

Next is your web site basis, which is composed of different design elements. The rudimentary is your composition scheme. Youíll need various images of abstract black and white photography. Make sure and claim them as your own, even if you didnít take the pictures. Most Trendies claim to be aspiring photographers, when all theyíre really doing is taking a disposable camera, processing the images and fixing them in a photo editor. These factions of Trendies are also referred to as "Lazy Fucking Cheats." But I suppose itís not just Trendies who make this offense. Normal people commit the same offense occasionally. 

Next in line is the actual content. Insert some poetry. And youíll need plenty of clichťís within your poetry. Use quips from your diary. 

"The Rain" dripped on my Kenneth Cole shoes... Cole Slaw in uppercase... In any case. Negative connotations... Short annotations." 

Shit like that, as long as it sounds intelligent but has no significance or content. Write about how itís always rainy and how the only source of happiness in your life is when Starbucks comes out with something more powerful than a Grande Double Espresso Latte Cinnimonier. Or when a new Banana Republic opens up. 

Now that you have graphic and text content, youíll need links to other sites. Most Trendies prefer small "underground" groups. These groups can be completely made up, just make sure that from the outside looking in it appears sophisticated and that anyone who doesnít understand is missing out on the action. 

Talk vaguely about subjects that are relevant only to those in your direct circle of trendiness. Shun those who show the least bit of naivetť and curiosity to your cult. 

Now that you have the basics, youíll need to get the word out so that you can catch your lucky break. Commission your own personal message forum on your site so that fellow Trendies can coagulate the net with secret locations to Pier 1 and "at home" recipes for Neiman Marcus deli foods. 

I will not be providing any links to current trendy web pages because it will detract from this mission. 

Trendies are bitches. They only absorb enough of what they consume so that they might spit out a prepaid notion of whatever issue they advocate. 

"Hey look! Smoking cessation is in! Letís learn enough about it so that we can fit in with the group!" one Trendie might say to another.

When I was in Seattle I decided to approach one of these Trendies to get some general information on the lifestyle. She was approaching an antique store, which really soured my image of the old-fashioned shops. I used to like them until I found out Trendies based most of their house shopping from these stores.

"Pardon me maíam," I said to a blonde female with short, spiked hair and a lime-green v-neck sweater with her designer jeans cuffed at the bottom. I think she was wearing cologne.

"Sorry, I donít have any change," she said.

"No, I donít want any money. I just want to ask you a couple questions."

"Yes, I have accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and savior. Leave me alone please," she pleaded as she paced faster away from me.

"No... No, you donít understand. Iím writing a story for a web site. I just wanted to get a couple of quotes from you," I said.

"Leave me alone."

"Well screw you, too. Sorry to interrupt your vintage-cabinet shopping you bedwetting, martini-drinking Trendie!" I said with an articulate crescendo.

At this point management asked me to leave the store. This seems to be a recurring theme with my journalistic endeavors. 

What I really wanted was to be able to get some quotes from a web-designer. If you do some in-depth searching on the web, youíll find that many design-based web sites have information about the author. Nine times out of ten these biographies will contain pictures. Of those that do contain pictures youíll see that the majority of these designers are Trendies. 

And thatís whom I wanted to talk to. A web-designing Trendie. I searched high and low for an underground magazine that might have information on Seattle-based web culture. No luck. I walked around in several coffee shops looking for Trendies with laptops. I found a few, but they were all pretending to do work or homework. Damnit! 

I didnít have any luck finding anyone in Seattle. I suppose they were all hiding in the dressing rooms at L.L. Bean talking about Tantra or something. Does L.L. Bean even have dressing rooms? Ah, who cares?

When I got back home I decided to look for someone on the net and communicate with them via email. This was an easy task. I made one basic template email and sent it out to approximately 15 Trendies. 

I got two responses. One of the two declined. But I still had one to work with! 


From: McClain 
To: Ronald Pardue <rpardue@netusa1.net>
Subj: Trendiess <mcclain@skanewpid.net>

To Whom It May Concern,

Iím writing an article for a popular online-magazine entitled "Trend Setters" and because I noticed that you have a knack for trendy design, and even noticed your style from the picture you provided in your biography, I figure that you are exactly what I need to finish my landmark article entitled "Setting the Trend for Trends." I would also like to say how much I enjoy your web site and all the information that spews forth like a geyser of intellectual Perrier. 

Thanks for your consideration and I look forward to your response.
Yours,
-McClain
Trend Setters Magazine


From: Ronald Pardue <rpardue@netusa1.net
To: McClain <mcclain@skanepwid.net>
Subj: re: Trendiess

I am flattered that you appreciate my work. I would be glad to give you any information I can. I have been working on web sites for almost three years this month. And I must say that despite numerous small job offers, this is exactly what I need to establish myself as one of the better desingers out there. Even though my work has been emulated by a lot of people, I consider myself one of the pioneers in outstanding web design. 

I am 28 years old and I reside in Olympia, Washington. I am currently unemployed outside of the few web jobs I acquire, so I like to think of myself as somewhat of a starving artist. And I do consider my work as an artform. 

Iím looking forward to seeing this article take form. I am glad that you are interested in my capabilities. 

Ronald Pardue


It seemed that after my second email (First question: How long did it take you to figure out that copying what others do will help you excel?), he found out what was happening and closed the email account. Either that or Ronnie put me on some sort of block where the messages returned to me. Prior to being blocked, I got an email from The Gipper asking me not to post a link to his web site. Truth be told, I donít even remember which web site was his. I probably hit thirty different sites; merely copying their respective contact address and pasting it in a word document. When I went back to check the sites to see which one was his, I couldnít find anything. He stayed one step ahead of me. That limey bastard. 

Once again, I hit a dead end. Trendies, although whiney and spineless, are aware of their stature and put up a defense front accordingly, as if under constant fire from opposition.

I have deliberated that to cease Trendies they must be exposed. Ravers and Trendies are one in the same. They jump on the bandwagon like a whore jumps in the sack. Someone other than myself needs to take the initiative in making a web site devoted to exposing these people, submitting them to public humiliation. 

"CUZ I WANNA BE... TRENDY ANARCHY!"
Practice being a trendy punk with the all new,
fully poseable Punk Rocker Fashion Doll!

And like a phoenix from the ashes we will arise to take over the web-based Trendies. And like Curt Cobain with a palm full of Quaaludes, Trendies will swallow hard and trend themselves out of populous ordainment.

note: McClain is one hell of a trendy little bastard.


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