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In the past, I've ranted about job hunting along with the loads of asinine things that occur in the workplace on a daily basis. Today, I would like to cover one aspect of the interview process that I have always found to be both pointless and
extremely annoying. I'm of course referring to that one question
we've all heard before: "Where do you see yourself in X
years?".
So I was at a job interview, being interviewed by the regional manager and he was running down the list of generic questions that I'm sure he asks all potential
employees. Questions like, "Is this your real name?", "On your job application, why did you
answer 'No' to the question 'have you ever been convicted of a felony?' when we all know you're lying your ass off?", "Why are there blood stains all over your shirt?", and so on and so forth...
Then came the one I was waiting for, the big one that I knew he
just HAD to ask, "Where do you see yourself in 3 months?". Whoah! You sure caught me off guard there pal! I was expecting you to ask where I saw myself 3
YEARS from now! But since you changed it to MONTHS, well, I'm just completely dumbfounded! How could he put such a twist on that classic question!? I fell to the floor in fear of the daunting question, crawled up into a fetal position, shut my eyes, and starting yelling "There's no place like home! There's no place like
home! Mommy! Make the bad man with the spooky questions go
away!"
Yeah right.
"If all goes well, I see myself in a managerial position with this very company!", I said with a confident chuckle. Naturally, he was quite pleased to hear that he had such an eager little lamb looking to join the flock.
Now, if I didn't need a job and money I would have been able to answer the question more cynically. Actually, if I didn't need a job and money I wouldn't have been at the interview to begin with. I'd be spending my time buying useless crap on eBay that nobody but a sentimental fool like myself would want. Stuff like a video of Mad Balls telling "Gross
Jokes" or The Goonies Board Game.
Screamin' Meemie! He'll make you laugh your BALLS off!
"SLOTH LOVE CHUNK! HOOO HEEE HOOO!"
Anyway, I kept thinking about that stupid question on and off throughout the day and I decided I would make a list of answers to the various "Where do you see yourself..." for future use. So here they are.
Q: Where do you see yourself tomorrow?
A: Right here, in the same spot, not having moved an inch in the past 24 hours due to an overwhelming fear that the slightest movement might make the floor open up and swallow me whole.
Q: Where do you see yourself next week?
A: Golfing, because... who in their right mind can go a WHOLE WEEK without whipping out the ol' nine iron right? I mean come on, that game is just pure excitement! Action Packed!
Q: Where do you see yourself next month?
A: Well I can't be sure, but I called up Miss Cleo and she told me "Ahhh! Don-choo try to ah lie to Miss Cleo! I know you were a messin' around with
dat other man! You know da consequences for doing dat, girl! Call me now for your free tarot card reading!" So maybe that's a clue as to what'll be going down next month, ya think?
Q: Where do you see yourself in 3 months?
A: There's this huge 40" Bigens shiny red ball that I saw in Toys 'R' Us. Man oh man do I want that big shiny red ball! If all goes well with the job, I'm gonna save up and buy me that red ball! Who knows, if I work really hard, I might even get 2 red balls! 2 BIG SHINY RED BALLS!
The 40" Bigens Ball! What more do you need in life!?
Q: Where do you see yourself in 6 months?
A: On a rooftop with a high-powered rifle and a parade in my sights.
Q: Where do you see yourself in a year?
A: Serving 2 life sentences for the rape of an oak tree.
Q: Where do you see yourself in 2 years?
A: Due to a botch-up by the crime scene investigators, I'll get out of prison on a
technicality. Then I'll return to my tree raping ways... and they'll never catch me!
Q: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
A: George Clinton will declare me the new grandmaster of funk, and I will go on a world tour with the man himself as we shift our gears into HYPER-JIVE!
DOCTOR FUNKENSTEIN!
Q: Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
A: Having personally convinced everyone in America that they should have a KING instead of a President, I will send our honorable knights to fight demons and dragons in far away lands. Or I might just send them to France and have them kill anyone wearing a beret.
Q: Where do you see yourself in 30 years?
A: I will have finally finished drinking the new
gargantuan "200 ounce Super-Insano Big Gulp" beverage that 7-11 released in the year 2010.
Q: Where do you see yourself in 40 years?
A: I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow I ended up in the Bog of Eternal Stench.
"If she ever kisses you, I'll make you a king.
KING OF THE LAND OF STENCH! HA HA HA!"
Q: Where do you see yourself in 50 years?
A: I will have ascended to the heavens and I will then beat god to death with a 10-foot kielbasa sausage.
So there you have it. Feel free to show any potential employers this list.... hell, include it with your resume and save them the trouble of ever having to ask you this question. It might not get you the job, but do you really want to work for someone that can't appreciate a person with a history of tree raping and hyper-jive funk? I didn't think so.
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