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by: Max Burbank

DATE: December 1, 2003,
TO: All full-time staff
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: RE: Annual Staff Winter Party

Hello, all.

This is just a friendly, informal Official Memo to thank you in advance for your attendance at this year's Annual mandatory Staff Winter Party. We just want to take this opportunity to go over a few guidelines for our party next Monday Night.

SCHEDULE: Our Party Begins promptly at 6:00 PM. If your regular schedule requires you to work later than 6:00, please remember any hours beyond 6:00 appearing on your timesheet must be taken as vacation. ALL OTHER STAFF, HOURS BEYOND 6:00 PM SHOULD NOT APPEAR ON YOUR TIMESHEET. There's been some 'grumbling' about the party being on a Monday night and a 'rumor' is making the rounds that this is because Monday nights are least desirable nights for our patrons to rent our space for a function. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Monday night scheduling of our Annual Staff Winter Party is traditional. The Party ends at 10:00 PM sharp; the garage closes at 10:15 and remaining vehicles will be towed. If you plan to call in sick on Tuesday, plan on bringing a DR's note Wednesday.

GUESTS: Please remember that while this party is open to family, lifepartners and/or one date, we must request that you bring ONLY one guest and/or biological or legally adopted Children.

THEME: All staff are asked to please remember this is NOT a holiday party! This is our Annual Staff Winter Party. An annual party has to happen at some time of the year and the Month of December is just the way it works out. If we had it on your birthday you wouldn't think the whole thing was specifically for you. This unfortunate confusion is why we had to take down the non-denominational lobby tree, and why the SDTF (Seasonal Decorative Task Force) is considering the removal of the giant dangling non denominational snow flakes. We ask that you, our staff, please be sensitive to the sensitivities of other staff and not wear Red, Green, Red pointed hats with fluffy white pom-poms on the tip. We also ask staff to refrain from using the terms “Ho-Ho-Ho”, “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Hanukah”, “Boy, That Ramadan sure was tough on the Snacking, glad that's been over a week or so”. While “Season's Greetings” has been found admissible by the POTFC (Potentially Offensive Terms Focus Champions) we ask that you employ your best judgement while using it.

SILENT AUCTION: Remember, all items in our silent auction have been donated by staff who put a good deal of effort and work into their offerings. 'Joke' bids are not funny. This includes offers of 'intimate' favors in lieu of money and signing your Direct Line Managers name to bids of $1,000.00 or more for Shoney's Gift Cards.

DANCING: This year we will again feature DJ Jumpin' Jimmy Jive. We ask all employees to remember children of staff are in attendance at our Annual Staff Winter Party. Keep your hands to yourself; no 'slow dancing' and no employee's pelvis should be within 10 inches of another employee's pelvis at any time. In addition we ask staff not to 'gator' (dancing on the floor while thrusting at the ceiling) or 'worm' (dancing on the floor while thrusting into the floor).

DRINK CHITS: There will be a cash bar. Each staff member will receive two drink chits, each good for one glass of domestic beer or box wine. One drink chit is for you, one for your adult guest. PLEASE DO NOT COMBINE DRINKS CHITS. One hard alcohol drink may be purchased in lieu of two beer or wine offerings. The bartender has been asked to stamp your hand with each transaction. FOR YOUR SAFETY, you are allowed ONLY one hard liquor beverage or two beer or wine beverage offerings. We are very serious about this and if there is no cash bar next year you'll have only your coworkers to blame. PLEASE TAKE NOTE this is the reason we have had to employ an outside contractor instead of our own print shop to make this years drink chits. It was very expensive to come up with a format that could not be easily reproduced and we had to take the expense out of the overall entertainment budget. If your children miss Fitzy the Face Paintin' Baloon Animal Makin' Clown, you can explain to them why he's not here this year. ARRIVING DRUNK will result in immediate dismissal to be followed by Coaching and Feedback from your Direct Line Manager on Tuesday.

ATTIRE: Any repetition of last year's nudity will result in a written warning from your direct line manager. If you are currently within three months of a prior written warning, Nudity will result in termination.

HAVE FUN!: Please remember that the Annual Staff Winter Party is our official way of officially saying 'Thank You' to the people who all make it happen, you, our staff. Make sure to sign in on arrival to be registered for door prizes, get your silent auction number, and drinks chits. Failure to sign in will be considered an unexcused absence.

note: Max Burbank has been unemployed for roughly 5 years now... but he still attends whatever random winter parties that he can find free booze in.

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