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DATE: December 1, 2003,
TO: All full-time staff
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: RE: Annual Staff Winter Party
Hello, all.
This is just a friendly, informal Official Memo to thank you in
advance for your attendance at this year's Annual mandatory
Staff Winter Party. We just want to take this opportunity to go
over a few guidelines for our party next Monday Night.
SCHEDULE: Our Party Begins promptly at 6:00 PM. If your
regular schedule requires you to work later than 6:00, please
remember any hours beyond 6:00 appearing on your timesheet must
be taken as vacation. ALL OTHER STAFF, HOURS BEYOND 6:00 PM
SHOULD NOT APPEAR ON YOUR TIMESHEET. There's been some
'grumbling' about the party being on a Monday night and a
'rumor' is making the rounds that this is because Monday nights
are least desirable nights for our patrons to rent our space for
a function. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Monday
night scheduling of our Annual Staff Winter Party is
traditional. The Party ends at 10:00 PM sharp; the garage closes
at 10:15 and remaining vehicles will be towed. If you plan to
call in sick on Tuesday, plan on bringing a DR's note Wednesday.
GUESTS: Please remember that while this party is open to
family, lifepartners and/or one date, we must request that you
bring ONLY one guest and/or biological or legally adopted
Children.
THEME: All staff are asked to please remember this is NOT
a holiday party! This is our Annual Staff Winter Party. An
annual party has to happen at some time of the year and the
Month of December is just the way it works out. If we had it on
your birthday you wouldn't think the whole thing was
specifically for you. This unfortunate confusion is why we had
to take down the non-denominational lobby tree, and why the SDTF
(Seasonal Decorative Task Force) is considering the removal of
the giant dangling non denominational snow flakes. We ask that
you, our staff, please be sensitive to the sensitivities of
other staff and not wear Red, Green, Red pointed hats with
fluffy white pom-poms on the tip. We also ask staff to refrain
from using the terms “Ho-Ho-Ho”, “Merry Christmas”, “Happy
Hanukah”, “Boy, That Ramadan sure was tough on the Snacking,
glad that's been over a week or so”. While “Season's Greetings”
has been found admissible by the POTFC (Potentially Offensive
Terms Focus Champions) we ask that you employ your best
judgement while using it.
SILENT AUCTION: Remember, all items in our silent auction
have been donated by staff who put a good deal of effort and
work into their offerings. 'Joke' bids are not funny. This
includes offers of 'intimate' favors in lieu of money and
signing your Direct Line Managers name to bids of $1,000.00 or
more for Shoney's Gift Cards.
DANCING: This year we will again feature DJ Jumpin' Jimmy
Jive. We ask all employees to remember children of staff are in
attendance at our Annual Staff Winter Party. Keep your hands to
yourself; no 'slow dancing' and no employee's pelvis should be
within 10 inches of another employee's pelvis at any time. In
addition we ask staff not to 'gator' (dancing on the floor while
thrusting at the ceiling) or 'worm' (dancing on the floor while
thrusting into the floor).
DRINK CHITS: There will be a cash bar. Each staff member
will receive two drink chits, each good for one glass of
domestic beer or box wine. One drink chit is for you, one for
your adult guest. PLEASE DO NOT COMBINE DRINKS CHITS. One hard
alcohol drink may be purchased in lieu of two beer or wine
offerings. The bartender has been asked to stamp your hand with
each transaction. FOR YOUR SAFETY, you are allowed ONLY one hard
liquor beverage or two beer or wine beverage offerings. We are
very serious about this and if there is no cash bar next year
you'll have only your coworkers to blame. PLEASE TAKE NOTE this
is the reason we have had to employ an outside contractor
instead of our own print shop to make this years drink chits. It
was very expensive to come up with a format that could not be
easily reproduced and we had to take the expense out of the
overall entertainment budget. If your children miss Fitzy the
Face Paintin' Baloon Animal Makin' Clown, you can explain to
them why he's not here this year. ARRIVING DRUNK will result in
immediate dismissal to be followed by Coaching and Feedback from
your Direct Line Manager on Tuesday.
ATTIRE: Any repetition of last year's nudity will result
in a written warning from your direct line manager. If you are
currently within three months of a prior written warning, Nudity
will result in termination.
HAVE FUN!: Please remember that the Annual Staff Winter
Party is our official way of officially saying 'Thank You' to
the people who all make it happen, you, our staff. Make sure to
sign in on arrival to be registered for door prizes, get your
silent auction number, and drinks chits. Failure to sign in will
be considered an unexcused absence.
note: Max Burbank has been
unemployed for roughly 5 years now... but he still attends
whatever random winter parties that he can find free booze in.
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