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by: -RoG-

Wishes. We get them here and there, but do they come true frequently enough? You could be 99 years old, paralyzed from the neck down and unable to control your bladder. Still, you are somehow able to muster up enough air to blow out every candle on your birthday cake. Then your reward for expending that air is a WISH. So what do you wish for? If you're in that condition, you wish for death of course. Unfortunately, the wish will most likely not come true. So, you'll have to wait another painful, diaper-ridden year until you get a chance to make another wish that doesn't come true. Doesn't seem fair does it?

Oh sure, there's other ways you can get a free wish. Why, I've heard of all sorts of ways to get one. You can kick a leprechaun's ass and steal his four-leaf clover to get a free wish... or you can just buy a box of lucky charms. If you're looking up at the sky at night and you only see one star, you get a wish... but chances are you're looking at a planet and not a star, so your wish is void. Throw a penny into a fountain, you get a wish... or maybe the guy who cleans out the fountain will just use the money to feed his cocaine addiction. If you happen to look at a clock and all the numbers on the time are all the same (ie: 11:11pm), you get a wish... or you could just stare at the clock and wait for the numbers to all match. 

Mouth, rants about his wish not coming true in The Goonies
"...you know what? This one, this one right here.
This was my dream, my wish... and it didn't come true.
So I'm taking it back... I'm taking them all back."
-Mouth, The Goonies

I have to say though, I've been let down by all of these other ways to get a "free wish". So I think it's time we come up with some new ways to get a free wish. Maybe if we have many more ways to get free wishes, there will be a better chance that they'll actually come true.

New Ways To Get A Free Wish:

  • -Shove two pieces of corn on the cob into your ears as far as they will go. Then get on your knees and scream, "BABOOSHKA! BABOOSHKA! I AM WAITING FOR YOUR HOLY BATHWATER TO CLEANSE ME!"

  • -Walk up to your Congressman, grab a handful of his or her ass and say, "Oh yeah, that's gravy alright!"

  • -Stick your tongue in the nearest electrical outlet while singing the lyrics to "Love Me Tender"

  • -The next time you get a free shampoo sample in the mail, drink it.

  • -When you see a cop pull someone over for speeding, pull up beside him and say, "You call that speeding? I was just doing 97mph in a residential area! Woooooooo!". Then toss him a urinal cake and say, "eat up, fatty!" as you speed off.

  • -Buy an old 1980's G.I. Joe toy, then send in the proof of purchase points to Hasbro. And finally, send them a nasty letter when they don't send you your free "hooded cobra commander".

  • -In the food court of your local mall, stand on top of a table, grab your crotch and shout, "I saw Danger Kitty on tour! HELLZ YEAH!"

  • -Find an old pair of Reebok "pump" sneakers. Then the next time you're walking with your friends, stop once every 5 minutes and tell them, "Hold up dudes, I gotta pump up." and proceed to "pump up" your sneakers.

  • -Ask Little Richard how much he hates to play the song "Tutti Frutti".

  • -Write an essay explaining why the following nuclear reaction: "D + T -> 4He (3.52 MeV) + n (14.06 MeV)" has a cross section large enough to be of interest for utilization in the first terrestrial fusion reactor. Then mail the essay to Miss Cleo or David Copperfield.

There you have it. With all these new and easy ways to get a free wish, I'm sure we'll all have a better chance of having one of them actually come true. Pffft, who am I kidding? "When you wish upon a star" my ass...

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