Q.) What is Christmas, Max?
A.) That's "Dr. Burbank". The word Christmas comes from the
words Cristes maesse, or "Christ's Mass." Christmas is the
celebration of the birth of Jesus for members of the Christian
religion. Most historians peg the first celebration of Christmas
to Rome in 336 A.D, but it didn't really catch on until 1997
when HBO's special "Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas" tugged
America's heartstrings, giving us all a case of "Christmas
Fever" and a terrible fear of Hillbilly Puppet Otters.
Give us the clams or the Baby Jesus Gets it
Q.) Why do people give each other gifts on Christmas?
A.) Lots of reasons, but there are only really three reasons:
to assuage guilt, to fulfill obligation and in exchange for sex.
Think about it. You'll see I'm right.
Q.) But what about the Three Kings?
A.) What about 'em? Don't believe a word those jokers say. No
matter what they tell you, I never, ever had sex with any of
them. Especially not Balthazar, who has a very weird thing he
always wants which I don't do.
Q.) No, no, I mean, I thought the tradition of gift giving came
from the Three Kings giving gifts to the Christ Child!
A.) Huh? OH! Oh. Well, I suppose that makes a sort of sense.
Forget that other thing I said about having sex with them.
Honestly, I wasn't listening all that closely.
Q.) Is December 25th really the day Jesus was born?
A.) Yes. Sort of. But we count our calendar from New Year's Day,
and supposedly that's how old Jesus is. My guess is that Jesus
started to be born on the 25th, but God didn't want anyone
thinking he was getting out of the whole, "Bring forth your
children in pain" thing just 'cause it was his son, so to avoid
the appearance of favoritism, God gave Mary a particularly
hellacious labor, and while Jesus "Crowned" on the
25th, he wasn't entirely born for another week.
Q.) Why do we have a Christmas tree, Mr. Burbank?
A.) Dr. Burbank. The Christmas Tree is a German tradition, and
we all know how festive those can be apart from the cleaning up
afterwards and pesky lingering Nuremberg Trials. It's just one
of the many, many pagan rites the early Christians co-opted in
their tireless quest to make the worship of Christ appear as fun
as other faiths that involve nakedness and bull slaughter. And
it gives your dog a fabulous opportunity to piss indoors.
Q.) Well, why do we decorate the tree?
A.) You certainly have a lot of damn questions. Martin Luther is
the first person credited with decoration Christmas trees with
candles, one of the many reasons he is the Patron Saint of the Shriners despite the fact that he is not actually a saint.
Victorians didn't learn from his mistake as is related in a much
remembered scene in Dickens's famous "A Christmas Carol
Featuring Horrible Third Degree Burns Covering 45% of Old Fezziwigg's Body."
A typical Victorian Family prepared to douse themselves with
festive yuletide accelerants
Q.) Yes, but why do we decorate?
A.) I'm sure I don't know. God said to, probably. Dr. Burbank is
getting one of his headaches, so pick up the pace a little, why
Q.) Why do we hang Stockings?
A.) For crimes against humanity. I kid of course. According to a
very old tradition, the original St. Nicholas left gold coins in
the stockings of three poor girls who had no dowry. They had
left their stockings hanging from the mantle to dry, and St.
Nick, a known foot fetishist, thought his meaning would be
clear, but alas, none of the girls ever called him.
Q.) Why do people send each other Christmas Cards, Dr. Burbank?
A.) Just so we're clear, you know I'm not the kind of doctor
that can write prescriptions, yes? Okay. And you're still here?
Oh, your question, your question. The answer is simple. The
Greeting card industry is controlled by the Jews.
Q.) What are the Twelve days of Christmas?
A.) The 12 days of Christmas are the 12 days that separate
Christmas day on December 25th from Epiphany, which is celebrated
January 6th. Depending on the church, January 6th may mark Christ's
baptism (the Catholic tradition), or it may mark the day Joseph
has finally had it with all his freeloading relatives and threw
them out of the stable, cursing loudly and reminding all present
that Jesus wasn't even his baby (Unitarians).
Chevy Chase is rarely funny. This movie is no
Q.) What does Santa Claus have to do with Christmas?
A.) Boy I could do a whole article on that one. I probably
have. The short version is there was this
religious Looney, St. Nicholas, who left money in foot related
garments. Then some paper published the poem "The Night Before
Christmas", which apparently isn't even the actual title and
isn't about feet very much at all. Anyway, people went bugshit
over that poem because it was before TV. Then the Coca Cola
company ran a series of ads depicting Santa as a white bearded
red suited coke swillin' fatty, which is pretty much how we
picture him today, except for today's kids who have lately
become to confuse him with a fat, coke swillin' Polar Bear.
IMPORTANT NOTE! Polar bears are NOT cute. They are perfect
killing machines, the second most vicious and spiteful animal on
the planet right after Stingrays. They will maul you in a
heartbeat and keep you at death's door for hours playing with
your organs right in front of you, which is the real reason we
invented Global warming.
Q.) Why is Christmas sometimes spelled X-mas?
A.) This is a Jewish marketing scheme to get you to
associate Christendom's most sacred holiday (unless you're one of
those Easter fags, in which case excuse me) with Marvel Comics
"The X-Men" franchise, which is a whole lot more popular than
Jesus and sells a crap load more greeting cards. Would you do
Doctor Burbank a huge favor and reach up on the mantle behind
the clock and fetch me down my special stash of medicinal X-mas snuff? There's a
Q.) What do you want for X-mas, Dr. Burbank?
A.) Peace on earth. But you haven't a one-eyed pig's chance of
getting me that, have you? That being the case, donations of all
sorts sent to the I-Mockery site would go a long way toward
paying for the tattoos that might, in poor lighting, make me
look young enough to meet drunken women in their twenties at
clubs and of course, refill Dr. Burbank's snuff tin, which,
alarmingly does not refill itself.
If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:
An Open Holiday Letter From Jesus!