Editorials

Your Termination Package
by: Max Burbank

Dear former employee (to be classified as 'former' beginning the moment you read the word 'dear'),

In connection with the termination of your employment, you are eligible to receive the severance benefits described in this document, henceforth referred to as 'Description of severance benefits'. Should you sign and return this document to the Vice President of Human Resources, You will be entering into a binding legal agreement with us, henceforth referred as the company you worked most of your adult life for right up until you read the word 'dear' in this document, at which time we shut of your phone and email account and deactivated the badge that allowed you to enter what was once your office and use the elevator you just road up in. Therefore, you are advised to consult with an attorney before signing this letter, which you might be able to afford if you still worked for us, and still could if you sign this letter accepting your severance package, except by then it will be too late.

If you choose not to sign the letter of acceptance, you will not receive your severance package, sending you out into a rapidly decaying economy with no money beyond whatever you've saved, and with what we've been paying you, we can be reasonably sure this is a negative number. In addition, security will not call the elevator for you, and you will be forced to take the stairs to the ground floor and exit the building which was your workplace five days a week for the bulk of your adult life, a sweat soaked, pathetic wreck.

The following numbered paragraphs, hereafter referred to as 'the stations of your humiliation', set forth the totally legal and utterly binding conditions, no matter how bizarre, arbitrary and illegal they may seem to be, that you will be subject to under penalty of law.

1. Termination Date – Today, about five minutes ago, based on our assumption you are a slow reader.

2. Description of Severance Benefits – The only money you will be getting in the near future apart from Unemployment, which if you've never gotten before, we should tell you pays for either your food or your rent/mortgage, but certainly not both. As for the debatable solace of Internet pornography, believe us when we say it will not be in your budget. But don't sign if you don't want to. For all we know you won the lottery last year and only continued working here because... okay, that's not very likely, but we don't know it's statistically possible. You do what you feel is best.

3. Release – This is the big one. Take a deep breath before continuing, then say this real fast: In consideration of the payment of severance benefits, which we in no way have to give you, so think carefully, you hereby fully, forever, irrevocably unconditionally, no backsies no matter how bizarre and seemingly illegal our stipulations; release and discharge this company, it's officers, it's directors, it's stockholders, it's Mom, it's friends named 'Dave', it's clowns, it's monkeys, it's one armed preachers (each in their individual and corporate identities, hereafter referred to as 'anyone we say') from any and all, (take another deep breath, and...) claims, charges, complaints, demands, actions, obligations, liabilities, lawsuits, blood oaths, vendettas, tit-for-tats, which you had or might have or thought of or dreamed of or made a birthday wish about or briefly hallucinated after a head trauma; Including all claims arising out of title XXIVLMX of the civil rights act of 1918, the Americans with funny hats act, the Federal Farm Animal Noises Act, or any other claims that can be made out of any words in any language ever by you, your lawyer or any animal that can be trained to mimic human speech or use sign language; and you hereby recognize that at any time for the rest of your life we can smash through your bedroom window while you sleep, inject you with psychotropic drugs and insert any number of spindly objects, such as, but not limited to, an extendable feather duster into any orifice or orifices existing or to be created upon you at that point forever and ever, world without end amen. If you want your money, you'll let us.

4. Non-disclosure- No telling. No matter what we do to you now or have done to you in the past or might do at any time for the rest of your life when you least expect it. Not a peep, not a whisper, so help you god or we will bash you with a hammer from behind.

5. Non-disparagement – You understand that as a condition of accepting your severance you will not make any false, disparaging or derogatory statements to any media outlet, industry group, friend, relative, acquaintance, pet, plush toy, lamp post and even in your most private moments alone in the dark you will not say one bad word, not one, not ever, not even on your death bed, not even as a ghost after you die, and that to be on the safe side you will never again so much as mention our name so that if a dinner guest asks you "Where was it you used to work?" you must say "Mmmmmnh?" or pretend to have a stroke or deliberately wet yourself to divert attention.

6. Validity – should any line, clause, word or emoticon found in this letter be found by a court of law illegal or invalid, the remaining parts, every damn word of them, some of which are printed really, really small and maybe in invisible ink, shall remain valid and binding so good luck Charlie.

7. Confidentiality – If you show so much as a corner of this letter to anyone, even that lawyer we recommended you have look at it, we get to chop your nuts right off. Seriously.

8. Cooperation – If any of your former colleagues, both those terminated (hereafter referred to as 'disgruntled psychopaths') and those still employed (hereafter referred to as 'chumps') decide to sue us, you will testify against them on our behalf just like you were a puppet and we had our hand up you, which we may literally do, should it prove necessary.

9. Nature of Agreement – You understand that this letter is a really, really nice severance package that we in no way had to do at all, and not an admission the shoving you out the door after however many years with no warning whatsoever in a totally humiliating manner is a kind of morally lax thing to do. We are great guys treating you way better than you deserve and if you make us feel the least little bit guilty for even a second we may change our minds and leave you with doodly crap.

10. Voluntary assent – You love this. Say it. Say it. Say it now. LOUDER! YOU LOVE THIS SEVERANCE PACKAGE! IT'S SO BIG! TAKE IT! YEAH! TAKE IT!

11. Involuntary assent – Remember last Saturday? When you went to that bar? And things got kind of crazy? And when you woke up the next day you weren't entirely sure how things had gone down? Yeah. That was us. We put a roofy in your drink and took you to a sound stage and dressed you up as a sexy chicken and made you say you were totally into this severance package. And on the video? It kind of looks like you were into it. Were just saying. And it would be a shame if that footage got on Youtube. Capice?

In conclusion, Thanks for the gumball, Popeye.

Now smile while you sign your name.

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:


Your Anger Management FAQ

Reader Comments

Turrican't. :(
Jul 1st, 2008, 04:53 AM
Yeah, had I not gotten termed a couple of weeks ago, this would have been side-splitting. As of now, it's freaking scary.
Member
Jul 1st, 2008, 04:59 AM
My idiot boss fired me from a crappy part time job a while ago, and this is still funny.
Turrican't. :(
Jul 1st, 2008, 05:03 AM
WELL SORRY I DON'T SHARE THE SAME MENTALITY AS YOU. BRING THE CROSS, I'LL BRING THE GASOLINE AND THE NAILS AND YOU CAN ROAST MARSHMALLOWS OVER MY FLAMING CORPSE.
grants but one wish
Jul 1st, 2008, 07:42 AM
well this had me laughing for quote a while:
"if a dinner guest asks you "Where was it you used to work?" you must say "Mmmmmnh?" or pretend to have a stroke or deliberately wet yourself to divert attention."

but this took home the win for funnyest one line: it's friends named 'Dave'

heh, this was hillariously good, nice work max

kitsunexus: goody! its been ages since i've been to a really good corpse fire!
Riot Control
Jul 1st, 2008, 09:23 AM
I will smile, but while I kick their asses!
Jul 1st, 2008, 10:28 AM
Max I'm sorry. Feel free to hate me, but you need to know something; when I found out you lost your job I was a little exited because I JUST FREAKING KNEW something like this piece would come of it. Although I know that the best comedy comes from hardship, and that thought sort of makes me giddy to see you go through the wringer, I recognize if you starve to death or commit suicide the free comedy ride is over. Hang in there champ!
Forum Virgin
Jul 1st, 2008, 01:30 PM
On the bright side, you can now start building nuclear fallout shelters for the day when everything goes boom, making the concept of a job, and spending most of your adult life there an hilarious and obsolete concept. Maybe you could laugh it off with some mutant sentient rats!!!!
after enough bourbon ...
Jul 1st, 2008, 01:32 PM
Hmmmmmm. Sounds reasonable.
High Priest of Burbank
Jul 1st, 2008, 01:43 PM
This should be the first chapter of the new Burbankist bible we're going to write.
Jason's a Furry! Run!
Jul 1st, 2008, 03:45 PM
Quote:
No telling. No matter what we do to you now or have done to you in the past or might do at any time for the rest of your life when you least expect it. Not a peep, not a whisper, so help you god or we will bash you with a hammer from behind.
This one in particular had me cracking up so much I had to stop eating my breakfast for a bit. Really funny article, and probably what every big-corporate-office actually says on their severance packages (if you read between the lines, that is).
LOVES the tubal ligation!
Jul 1st, 2008, 04:03 PM
"...and you hereby recognize that at any time for the rest of your life we can smash through your bedroom window while you sleep, inject you with psychotropic drugs and insert any number of spindly objects, such as, but not limited to, an extendable feather duster into any orifice or orifices existing or to be created upon you at that point forever and ever, world without end amen."

wtf?! Who wouldnt want to sign this?
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Jul 1st, 2008, 07:58 PM
i still wonder what he used to do..
An Arizona Horror Company
Jul 1st, 2008, 08:58 PM
I've always been lucky enough-- I suppose that should be in ironic air quotes, although it's damn hard to make air quotes with a keyboard, hell dammit to god-- to be employed by companies that could afford neither the paper nor the ink required for such documents. My termination was usually provided in the form of a Post-It note stapled to my forehead.
Who? Me?
Jul 1st, 2008, 10:24 PM
After reading this (if I actually got it from a boss who was firing me), I'd write "DAMN YOU TO HELL" on the Sign Here line and then steal the boss's Superman underwear with his name written on them and then I'd make a pile with thatand the letter and set it on fire and videotape it and then plug my camera into the big screen in Times Square and show all the New Yorkers what a big...what's the word...doo-doo head my boss was/is/always shall be!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

But since I'm not actually being fired, this is funny as heck!!
Who? Me?
Jul 1st, 2008, 10:26 PM
BTW, my condolances, Max. Here's hoping you find a new company to sell your soul to for the next 348.5 years. Hopefully, they have an ice-cream machine in the lobby!! B-D ^__^
Suicidal Chipmunk
Jul 1st, 2008, 11:31 PM
Quote:
If you show so much as a corner of this letter to anyone, even that lawyer we recommended you have look at it, we get to chop your nuts right off. Seriously.
That line right there is what made me laugh the hardest while i was reading it, but the part about discharging the companies moms definitely came in a close second.

Good Job, Max, and sorry about your job. D:
GoldMember
Jul 5th, 2008, 09:10 PM
Poor Max =(
Dirty Birdy
Jul 6th, 2008, 02:11 AM
Max,
I got fired from a major small market station a few months ago...now I work at a better station, for more money and less stress. And I'm an alcoholic.
Forum Virgin
Mar 16th, 2010, 12:48 PM
What's really frightening is the fine print on credit card bills seems very similar to how this is worded...coincidence? I THINK NOT!

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