Anime DVD Reviews

We here at DDAAF aren't close-minded. In fact, we're big supporters of the belief that you need to look at both sides of a story before you can have a well-reasoned opinion. Ergo, we've reviewed a sizeable portion of what passes for 'entertainment' among anime fans, partially due to it being a constantly-renewing source of our righteousness and self-duty in what we're trying to achieve, and partially so that you don't have to actually buy and watch these pieces of crap yourself!

Ratings are metered in 1 to 5 beer bottles - 1 requiring minimal intoxication and 5 meaning you'll need to be bombed out of your skull to live through the experience. But hey, at least the drive home will give you an opportunity for comeuppance!

Legend:    1 point   /     ½ point

Title: Ghost In The Shell
Published by: MANGA Entertainment

It's 1966, Washington is going through the hot summer of sexual liberation, and amidst the flower power, a young man named Biff Rover needs to find out how to please his girl if he wants to hang on to her. To this end he drifts from bar to bar where he is ushered into manhood by professional ladies. Sometimes more than one. And once with this lady I'm pretty sure has a penis. There's not much story to this particular anime, it more or less moves from sex scene to sex scene, and occasionally it pauses while a voice-over points out the seven erogonous zones of the female body, while describing in a muddy Brooklyn accent how best to stimulate them. After about fifty minutes the tape's scratched and it turns into a compilation of Laurel & Hardy sketches, so someone may have taped over my copy. At any rate, I'm not sure what the Jap(ane)s(e) were trying to accomplish with this, but I think they can do better. Two beers for the sex, plus one half for the penis, amounts to two and a half beers.

Rating:
(2.5 of a possible 5 beers required)



Title: Ninja Scroll
Published by: MANGA Entertainment

Ok, how can they even use the word 'Ninja' in the title and keep a straight face? We all know that ninjas wear black outfits with masks and they throw stink bomb and smoke bombs at their enemies before slitting their throats amidst all the confusion. Ninjas aren't giant rock monsters who suckle on the perky breasts of poisonous young women! Hanzo Hattori would be rolling over in his grave if he saw this! And for the love of god, why the hell was this movie in black & white? They could have AT LEAST put forth the effort to draw everything in color! Don't let the colorful box art fool you, this shitty anime is in B&W! Absolutely pathetic.

Rating:
(4.5 of a possible 5 beers required)



Title: Serial Experiments LAIN - Season 4
Published by: Pioneer

Okay, first of all, the movie just starts off in the middle of no-where. No character introductions or anything, it just expects you to know who all these people are. Well, that might go over in Japan, but it certainly doesn't hold water over here in American cinema, where we have things like standards. I eventually came to find out that the drugged-up female protagonist was named 'Lain' and...uh... not a whole lot else. I didn't really understand the significance of continual rotating blur effects and little elves traipsing about. Also not assisting the cognitive flow of the film was the fact that it kept showing me some sort of montage with the same annoying song every 25 minutes or so, as well as continually giving credit to everyone that participated in it. Well, I'm sorry to crush the development team's spirit, but this really isn't something to be THAT proud about. And really, guys - the title of your movie was long enough without appending 'Season 4' to it. I'm gonna go ahead and assume that shit like this doesn't fly even in Japan, at least not to the point where this would be the 4th sequel in a series of movies. Maybe "season 4" is a reference to the season of Winter, since that seems to most closely reflect the weather in the film, but Winter is the 1ST SEASON, GUYS. And then to top it all off, there was no conclusion! Followed by yet ANOTHER credit sequence! Certainly, LAIN was a mind-numbing 2 hours and 30 minutes that I'll never get back, and I hope to spare you all from a similar fate with this review; No amount of alcohol can soothe the pain this travesty of cinema causes.

Rating:
(4.5 of a possible 5 beers required)



Title: G.I. Joe - The Movie
Published by: Rhino Video

Wow. Just simply, "wow." This is without a doubt the finest piece of Anime I have ever laid eyes on. All other anime should not only take a hint from this immaculate representation of patriotic pride, but cower and lament its shortcomings whilst being overcast in this feature film's shadow. I laughed when the Joes thwarted Cobra, I cried with the Joes when the times were rough, and I cheered out loud when America once again came out on top. How this marvel of modern cinema came out of Japan baffles me, but I'm sure they had lots of American consultants there to teach them how great our country is and just how to get that across to the slavering, uneducated masses of Japan. It seems to have worked, too - even they seem to agree we did the right thing when we rained atomic death on their country, given Tokyo's propensity to being consumed in a ball of fire in three quarters of their movies. I'll still give this one beer, but that's just a recommendation, as that's the American way to enjoy fine films such as this.

Rating:
(1 of a possible 5 beers required)



Title: The Princess Mononoke
Published by: Miramax films

I suppose Princess Mononoke will always stand as the first movie produced after 9/11 where the twin towers were digitally inserted, even though the movie itself doesn't take place in New York at all. Most of it is set in Portugal, with some sequences in a post-apocalyptic Jamaica. At any rate, if you ever needed proof that the Japanese hate America, it's right here. Not surprisingly, "Princess Mononoke" actually translates to "For Death, Hate American Piss Scum." Plus there's the constantly recurring sexual fantasy of the hero where he beats a western woman in the pregnant belly with a rifle and then ejaculates in her eyes. If this were the AFADD, I suppose it would get nine out of ten hilariously oversized sweatdrops. But since it isn't, it takes at least four and a half beers to get through this popular hate crime.

Rating:
(4.5 of a possible 5 beers required)



Title: Akira
Published by: Pioneer

I didn't realize it when I picked this anime off one of the bodies impaled on my hood ornament, but Akira is actually a musical. Starring talking fruits and vegetables. It was hard to tell exactly what it was about because my copy was imported, and all the puppets had zero articulation next to a flapping mouth and googly eyes, but I think they were trying to convince their "human taskmasters" not to eat them. Then they listed all the delicious ways in which they did not want to be sliced, gutted, cooked and served. I don't know if I was imagining that, I was pretty hungry when I watched it. Anyway, near the end, the carrot tries to avenge the paprika's death, but the three wise cauliflowers prevail upon him to make peace with the humans instead and end the war. They reckon outside the grapes, though, and end up being killed anyway. It's really a sad story of betrayal and garnish. I don't think alcohol's going to help this one much. I was drunk, and I was still crying my eyes out.

Rating:
(3.5 of a possible 5 beers required)

 



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