Name:........... Steven Scott
Hail to Zod!
Mighty One, I have a young son for whom I have high
hopes. Would you deign to pass along some wisdom that
will help him succeed in life, as you have done? I
would be delighted to see him rise to become one of
your despotic lieutenants one day.
Thank you, and hail to Zod!
Such irrationality... do you really believe that I
would allow a human slave to ever "rise" and stand by
my side? Only Non and Ursa have that coveted
privilege! My loyal slaves are here on planet Houston
to do one thing and one thing only - KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
I suggest you pass these words of wisdom onto your son
quickly, for if it is discovered that he has not been
kneeling, he and his father will bother feel the wrath
of my eye lasers!
Name:........... Kenneth Oliphant, Zodologian
While kneeling before you in perpetuity, I often
pass the time by pondering Your nature. Though there
is no "time before Zod", in the period before your
rule upon this planet Houston I was a philosopher. I
would like to know how to prove you really exist.
The Ontological Proof for the Existence of Zod has
been derided, and it I am having a difficult time
fending off claims that You are nothing more than a
crutch for the weak-minded. I tried explaining that,
in my opinion, Non and Ursa represent demiurges or
parts of a Zodly trinity, but the azodist were not
having it; how can I prove You really exist, my
Please excuse my pathetic question as to your
metaphysic, but I long to use my ideology to force
others into the belief that I so cherish as your
Zod's Response: Why do
you say these things to me, when you know I will kill
you for it? It is not a slave's position to question
my power, let alone my existence. Such thoughts are no
difference than a foolish act of aggression towards
your rightful ruler! But very well, I will prove to
you that I exist by burning down the house in which
you live with my eye lasers. Perhaps then you will no
longer spend your time pondering such nonsense, and
instead you will focus your miniscule mind on your
rightful ruler, ZOD!
Name:........... Tom Ryan
Dear General Zod,
I have been a loyal slave to you since I was in my
mothers womb. Recently however I have become the
victim of an unfortunate accident. During a fight
between you and Superman I was hit with some debris
from a building that you got smashed into. It broke
both my legs and left me crippled. I blame Superman
entirely for this accident. I got my legs fixed
through years of surgery but now one leg is longer
than the other and I cannot Kneel Before You
properly. Whatever will I do?
Zod's Response: I,
General Zod, your ruler, command you to remove both of
your legs. You will then be in a constant state of
kneeling, thus your life will be a tribute to me!
Whilst enjoying your generous protection, in other
words being allowed to live, I realized the
potential for Olympics on Krypton. Do they have
bus-throwing, man-hole-cover discus, or astronaut
booting events there?
Zod's Response: What
are these Olympics you speak of? I have already proven
my immeasurable strength countless times to my slaves.
As for the planet Krypton, it was destroyed long ago
along with all of its foolish inhabitants. Had I been
ruler of Krypton, perhaps it would still exist today.
It is only fitting that they all perished for their
That bastard Non owes me 5 bucks for a meal at Arbys
I bought him . He kept following me making all these
annoying grunting noises like a walrus taking a
giant crap. Please send me a check or money order,
otherwise i got a clip of kryptonite bullets with
your name on it. KNEEL BEFORE BODEMAN!!!
As Ursa has told many people before, I do not take
orders... I give them! And just moments ago I ordered
Non to pay you a visit and crush you between his
fingers for your pathetic little threat!
Name:........... Rob Webb
I love you Zod but what is your first name my lord?
Zod's Response: My
first name is "General". Having been one of my slaves
for many years, you should know this by now. KNEEL!
Name:........... Jason Swinchock
Dear General Zod,
It is hard to type while kneeling before you but I am
dealing with it. I would like to know how I may rule a
part of planet Houston, like Lex Luther ruled
Australia. I am your most loyal slave and I know that
asking a question like this could be punishable by
death but I would like to aid you with your ruling of
Lex Luthor was killed. I had no more use for him, and
therefore he had to die and Australia is now under my
rule once again. Are you suggesting that you would
like to go down that same path? If so, I will happily
do so. I need no aid in the ruling of planet Houston!
All I need is for my loyal slaves to continue KNEELING
General Zod, I come to you with an urgent message:
The protagonist company called Warner Bros. plans on
releasing a “Superman” film in the near future and
they are all ready broadcasting a series about his
upbringing in Smallville on a pirated station. Neither
one of these even mention the GREAT GENERAL ZOD! How
long must we stand and listen to the blasphemy against
your rule? I implore you, yea, I pray you, to please
destroy these villains who stand against Zod!
Indeed I have heard rumors from several slaves about
this. So be it. I shall make these defiant Warner
people pay for this blasphemy with their very lives!
You have done well Paul, and pending you continue
kneel for the remainder of your days, I shall allow
you to live.
Oh great and almighty Zod, ruler of this universe, I
am non, your loyal servant. I ask your highness
this, whos is better, me or ursa? Please respond
Pathetic. Do you humans really believe you could
deceive me by trying to impersonate Non? Non can't
even speak properly, nor can he write. Non also
happens to be at my side quite frequently, so if he
had a concern, he certainly would not send me a
message from a slave's email account by the name of "Ozunaki".
The punishment for impersonating Zod, Non, or Ursa is
DEATH. I shall seek you out and destroy you Ozunaki!
Name:........... Laverne Villalobos
Discoverr the new winnning sexaul erectoin pilll!
This medicatib0n picks up where Viaqgra stops.
0nly $ 2.20 PER DOSE!
Zod's Response: Puny
human, it is ironic that you mention pills, for no
amount of pills will be able to ease your suffering
when I am through tearing you apart with my bare
Dear General ZOD,
I find myself wondering what your opinion is on gay
marriages and abortion. I am sure that you will have
the solution that Planet Houston has been searching
for. You seem to come from a "Sexually liberated"
planet, as demonstrated by your devotion to your
sadistic, wild eyed girlfriend and furry, "monkey
man" sidekick. Us on Planet Houston can only wonder
what happens in the glorious bedroom of General ZOD,
but since you never seem to have time to take off
your pajamas, it must be exhausting. I await your
superior advice on this confusing subject...
Zod's Response: What I
do not understand is why matters such as marriage of
any sexes would concern a slave who should be
doing nothing but kneeling in tribute to me! It
appears as though you will soon discover my opinion on
abortion, however, for I have just decided to abort
your life! DIE AS YOU DESERVE TO!
Name:........... eric husk
o powerful ZOD i would like to kneel before you but
i have no legs what should i do?
Zod's Response: An
understandable question that many slaves have asked
before. I have actually shot off the legs of a few
defiant slaves in the past and they too begged to know
how they could now kneel before me. The answer is
simple. You must now lie face-down before Zod. Do you
understand? LAY BEFORE ZOD!
hey zod, i have already sold my sole to satan but i
want to sell my sole to you. what should i do?
Pathetic slave, what on Houston makes you think I
would have any interest in purchasing your shoes?
Name:........... Concerned Slave
A man name George W. Bush just said you were part of
the "Axis of Evil", what do you intend to do?
Zod's Response: I shall
make him beg for my forgiveness as he kneels before
his rightful ruler. If he does not comply, he will
then die as he deserves to for his defiance!
I am Unicron!
Anyway, are we allowed to cease kneeling long enough
to procreate? If not you will run out of slaves.
A just question, my slave. The answer to your question
is obviously "NO". I will choose slaves who are worthy
enough to carry the seed of Zod. Giving birth to a
little Zodling is a great honor, but with that honor
comes death. For the Zodling does not exit the
mother's womb in the same fashion that your human
infants do. No, the little Zodling exits by cutting a
hole in the mother's stomach with his or her
ZOD... From this day forward, you shall know that
among your "Slaves" there are those, as myself, who
do not fear of this unimaginable power that you
wield, for the forces that we ourselves have far
surpass that in the fact that we CANNOT BE
DESTROYED. I, myself, am immortal, and while I
cannot destroy you, the same goes the other way
around. NO AMOUNT of power can destroy me. And your
futile attempts to do so will end in your inevitable
downfall. Mwahahahahahaha! KNEEL ZOD, KNEEL!!!
Soon-to-be-obliterated defiant one, you are obviously
suffering from delusions of grandeur. Perhaps you have
watched one "movie" too many... perhaps it was this
"Lord of the Rings" that I have heard much about. Do
you think you are an immortal elven warrior? Allow me
to assure you: you are NOT. For here on planet
Houston, all of my slaves BLEED. And bleed you shall
as I crush your defiant, mortal skull!
Name:........... Thanas Tenofas
THEORETICALLY, if you were to die somehow (though
I'm sure it is impossible) should we continue to
kneel in the absence of your glorious presence? What
if a new leader comes and forces us to stand? what
should we do? I want to be able to serve you
properly in any event, so I need to be prepared for
Thank you for your blessed leadership! it brings
meaning to us all!
Impossible. I cannot and will not die. I shall outlive
every one of you. Furthermore, if anybody ever dared
to come to planet Houston to challenge my rule by
commanding you all to "stand" as opposed to kneeling,
I would kill this insolent being immediately. If you
truly wish to be prepared for all circumstances, you
only need but a strong desire to kneel before your one
and only true leader... ZOD!
Should I break up with my girlfriend using the
telephone or a letter? Which is more personal, and
likely to cause the least amount of stabbing?
Zod's Response: Just as
you cannot bargain with what you do not have to offer,
you cannot "break up" with whom you aren't "dating" in
the first place. This female whom you speak of has
already found the most impressive male on this planet
and she has given her loyalty to him. That man is YOUR
RULER, ZOD! KNEEL!
Name:........... Little Jonny Evans
All hail Mighty Zod, our Rightful Ruler!!
Dear General Zod, I am writing a report for my sixth
grade class (at Kneel Before Zod P.S. 5, Cape Zod, MA)
and was hoping you would answer a question for me
Did you have the internet on Krypton, and if so, what
kind of bandwidth did you have?
-little jonny evans
What is this bandwidth you speak of? I have seen your
human "bands", who often perform wretched "music".
Upon becoming famous, I notice that the width of the
members of said band often increases. I can only
assume this is the "bandwidth" which you are so
concerned with. So, to answer your question, there was
none of this "bandwidth" you speak of on Krypton. The
inhabitants of that planet at least knew when to put
down their eating utensils.
While being forced to kneel and serve you for the
rest of our pitiful lives has dramatically reduced
many problems (example: finding jobs, paying
bills... etc) we had before your great, all-powerful
arrival. There is one problem that many of us seek
an answer to: Death! What happens when this befalls
us and we can no longer serve and kneel? Are those
who served you rewarded while those who resisted
suffer for the rest of eternity?
A fine question my loyal slave. The reward for living
a full life in tribute to me is quite grand. Upon the
day of your death, myself, Non, or Ursa shall
personally bury you in the "National Cemetary of
Worthy Servants". These worthy servants are not
confined to small boxed prisons. We don't put you in a
box at all! We bury you in a kneeling position so that
even in the afterlife you can be a worthy slave. Those
who do not lead such an obedient lifestyle shall have
their corpses eaten and then excreted by Non.
If ninjas and pirates get into a fight on a pirate
ship, who wins?
Who are these "ninja"? Who are these "pirates" and how
did they get a "ship" without my expressed permission?
I can answer your question quite easily. Neither the
ninja nor the pirates would win, for I would kill them
all with my bare hands.
Prior to your taking over the planet "Houston", the
rank of general was not the highest authority in
this country... the President of the United States
was. All Generals answered to him. Would you ever
consider changing your title to "President Zod" or
"Supreme Chancellor Zod" or something that might
better reflect the position you occupy?
Zod's Response: And
prior to my rule,
you were allowed to stand, rather than grovel before
me on your knees. "President" is no longer a rank on
planet Houston. I, General Zod, am the highest ranking
being on this earth, followed by Non and Ursa. Anyone
else is a mere slave.
Try as I might, I cannot seem to acheive tight abs.
Crunches, sit-ups, dieting, aerobics--it's all been
futile. What's your secret, oh slim one?
It's quite simple: Eye-laser surgery.
Name:........... Shecky Rimshot
As I kneel before you, groveling like the inferior
mortal I am... I can't help but wonder if you get
bored with us always kneeling? Is it all right for
us to mix it up with a little cowering or trembling
Absolutely my slave. After all, a true leader cannot
have the attention of his servants if he does not
invoke some fear into their hearts. Continue with your
kneeling, cowering, and trembling!
Name:........... The Protective Monkey of Binky
Do you almighty ZOD understand the enigma that is
Zod's Response: How is
"Free Chicken" an enigma? It is no mystery that
anything I want, I take. Therefore, everything that
exists, is free for your rightful leader, Zod, to use
as I please.
I have a two part question.
1. Why did the fireman wear red suspenders?
2. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Is it a Mr.E. to you?!?
That was a three part question, my ignorant slave.
Nevertheless, I shall answer them:
1) It represents the red sun of Krypton.
2) So he could come kneel before me.
3) No you are not Mr. E to me. You are "SLAVE".
Name:........... Your devoted slave
While I was kneeling before you, I realized that it is
possible to sing the words "General Zod" to the tune
of the Theme from Superman and also the Love Theme
from Superman. How does that grab you?
Zod's Response: All
"songs", theme and otherwise, should have the original
words replaced with "General Zod". As long as you
continue to kneel, I see nothing wrong with singing in
tribute to me. However, should you have a voice that I
find unpleasing, I shall kill you for your aural
When kneeling, is the use of a kneeling bench or pad
acceptable, or must the kneeling take place on the
bare floor? Your faithful servant...Death to the son
Absolutely not! There is to be no aid issued to your
knees. Kneeling is your way of paying tribute to me,
ZOD! It is your way of saying you would rather accept
pain as opposed to defying your rightful leader. I had
better not find that any of you are using kneeling
benches or pads, for if I do, I assure you that your
deaths will be tremendously brutal. KNEEL!
Oh great, powerful, wise, and incredibly handsome
Zod. I was wondering when your birthday is so I can
make you something special. I know that you own
everything on the planet Huston but if I make
something it would by all rights belong to you
anyway but I would love the honor of bestowing it on
to you while I was kneeling before you
Zod's Response: My date
of birth should be celebrated every day for all
eternity. You are my slave, and this gift you wish to
make me should take you an entire lifetime to create.
You may present it to me with your dying breath.
Anything less, will be deemed unacceptable and
punishable by death.
Name:........... Jeremy Folk
We all know for a fact that Superman, that puny son
of Jor-El, has worn red briefs that have been worn
down into a dull, girlish pink, but I ask you mighty
emperor of planet Houston, do you wear a pair of
boxers as crimson as the Kryptonian sun?
I do not know of these "boxers" you speak of, so I
consulted one of my slaves. They explained that I go
"commando-style", so I believe that should answer your
question. Now kneel! Kneel before the "commando-style"
greatness of Zod!
Name:........... A concerned slave
O Great Zod, our rightful ruler,
Before you came to our planet Houston, there were
people who could defeat Superman with this stuff
called Kryptonite. Do you ever worry that these
people would try to defeat you with that stuff?
An understandable concern, my slave. Nonetheless, you
needn't worry, for all kryptonite has been completely
destroyed. And even if it did exist, do you honestly
think that a human would be so clever as to get it
close enough to me before I killed him for his
defiance? I think not.
Who are you to claim the earth it is rightfully that
of my general and master, Megatron Lord of the
I have already claimed planet Houston, but if there is
a planet called "Earth" I shall claim it too! And not
you, or this "Megatron" can stop me! Come to me
Megatron! I defy you! Come! Come and kneel before Zod!
Name:........... Mad Margaret
Do I have to kneel? I mean, it's not that I mind
kneeling so much, but it's the getting up part that
really puts a crink in my back. Literally. Anyway,
great Zod, my question is this: how many licks
*does* it take to get to the chewy center of a
Zod's Response: Then do
not get up! Kneel for all eternity my slave! And what
is this "Tootsie Pop" you speak of? Whatever it may
be, I assure you that it wouldn't take ANY licks to
reach the center of it. One blast from my eye-lasers
and the center would be exposed immediately.
Name:........... Phil Ryan
Hail Zod, Kosmorator; Ruler of ALL!
I kneel before You, Zod and ask: which do You prefer--
regular Kraft macaroni and cheese, or EasyMac? It may
seem like something of a trivial question, but don't
blow it off. My eternal allegiance to You is dependent
on your answer. Either You please me, and I remain
Your slave, or You displease me and suffer. Death is
lurking in my hands, waiting to be set upon some
unfortunate fool--that fool may be You, despite Your
infinite Wisdom. Even You are not invulnerable, Zod:
if You required rest, I'd tell You to sleep with one
eye open! Farewell my friend and superior. I await
Your answer. --Phil, a humble slave, but bold!
Zod's Response: You
know less about me than most slaves, so I shall
educate you before I destroy you. I *AM* invulnerable
and do not require sleep. Sleep is, as I have said
many times in the past, something that only primitive
mortals such as yourself require. Furthermore, even if
I were to sleep, I would still remain unharmed. Do you
really think an inferior mortal like yourself could
find a way to even scratch me? I think not. And as for
your original question... I am ruler of this planet, I
do not have to choose between "Kraft macaroni and
cheese" and "EasyMac". No, I can have them both! Yes,
as ruler of the planet Houston, I get to enjoy the
pleasantries of mixing both "Kraft Macaroni and
Cheese" and "EasyMac" together! A meal that is truly
worthy of ZOD!
Name:........... Roll the Potatoe
Do you realize that when you command you're cowering
slaves to kneel before you, you are in fact leaving
yourself vulnerable to the possibility of an act of
rebellion in the form of someone tying your
bootlaces together. This could cause you to fall
over and undermine your authority.
Foolish slave, my bootlaces are just as impenetrable
as my own flesh. You do not possess the strength to
untie them, for they are tied with a powerful
double-knot. Furthermore, any slave or slaves that
would dare attempt such a foolish act of defiance
would meet their demise as I crush their windpipes
with the heel of my boot!
If I kneel before you, do you PROMISE to keep your
If you do proceed to unzip your pants, I will have
no choice but to rip your weenie out of its sockets,
and throw you into another Neon Coke sign.
The Son Of Jor-El... still here on this planet? Come
to me Son Of Jor-El! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
Dear Mighty excellent bodacious ZOD,
I try and kneel before ZOD about 3 times a week, but
in my busy techno life, I don't have the time
required to do this everyday. So if you could blow
up all the corporations and credit card companies on
earth, so I have no distractions from worshipping
you, that would be great. Also pay no attention to
my email. I am changing it to: ALLHAILZOD@ZODRULESALL.com.
is that ok?
Zod's Response: Your
new email address will be acceptable, but the amount
of time you are currently spending each week to kneel
before me is not. 3 times a week? You are lucky I have
not torn you apart yet. Corporations, credit cards,
"techno"... these are no longer worries for you
humans. You must spend every moment kneeling before me
as my loyal servants. Do this and you shall live. Do
it not, and you shall die.
Name:........... The Phone Monkeys
As you are All-Knowing, we have a question that has
been causing us much concern: is it true that the
Government is experimenting with psychic powers to
destroy other countries and/or small children?
Thank you for your great wisdom in this matter.
Zod's Response: How
many times must I explain to you insolent mortals...
there is no longer any government. The only body that
is ruling over things is me, your ruler... ZOD! And I
have not yet begun experimenting with psychic powers
to destroy countries and small childen, but it is
something that I will consider for the future. Now
KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
Name:........... Curious Slave
My lord, while kneeling before you and praising your
very name, I was struck by a moment of intrigue: If
Superman, Mario, Jim Raynor from StarCraft, Link
from the Legend of Zelda, Elminster from the
Forgotten Realms, and a big pink bunny all got into
a fight, how long would you wait before intervening
and kicking all of their lilly asses? In the
meantime, I solemnly kneel.
Who are these people that you speak of? I have already
proven that the son of Jor-El is no match for me, but
who are these others that you speak of? Bring them to
me! Come to me Mario, Jim Raynor, Link, and Elminster
if you all dare! I defy you! Come! Come and kneel
before zod! ZOD!!!!!!!!
why the hell are you so ugly?
Zod's Response: Well "Zia",
we shall soon see who is deemed less attractive when I
paint the planet red with your blood!
My mighty Lord and Master Zod,
While kneeling in humble reverence of you, I saw
something... disturbing. On a rack, there was a
comic of your villainous arch-foe Superman, that
proclaimed your famous words, "Kneel Before...".
Upon opening said comic, I found that there was a
person claiming to be you, dear and almighty Zod,
although cased in red armor from head to toe. While
this 'General Zod' thoroughly trashed the Last Peon
Of Krypton, I could not help but wonder if you
allowed this to take place? And if so, should I bow
to this Zod as well, since any who bear the name Zod
have to be related to the almighty Zod?
Kneeling for an answer,
I am pleased to see that some humans are worshipping
me by trying to show it with their "artistic" skills.
However, if you are going to depict your ruler,
General Zod, you MUST depict me exactly as I appear
before you today. And why would somebody who is
completely indestructible require this "red armor"
that you speak of? This is a poor representation of
your ruler indeed and such a mistake will inevitably
result in the death of this "comic" creator.
General Zod,Overlord of the universe, is it at all
satisfying being ruler of all you survey, knowing
there is noone but to challenge you? How do you occupy
your time when moments of clarity set in knowing full
well you will never be defeated? Forgive me insolence
all mighty ZOD, but are you the most ultimate
arbitrarily advanced contingent based entity or are
you beyond contingency and are of a necessary status?
kneeling in acquiescence to the almighty ZOD......ZOD!
IN NOMINE DEI NOSTRI ZOD EXCELSI!
that was just a bit of Latin expressing adoration for
you the mighty Lord of Lords
Zod's Response: Loyal
slave, indeed finding things to occupy my time with
when I am the ruler of all that exists might seem
difficult in the eyes of a small mind such as yours.
But I assure you, I have plenty to do. I travel all
over planet Houston to make sure there are no acts of
defiance taking place. This alone takes up most of my
time. Whenever I find an act of defiance taking place,
I must kill everybody involved and destroy the
surrounding areas to make an example. So as you can
see, there is more than enough to occupy my time. And
now I will take up some more of my time by telling you
one very important thing: KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
If you were to get into a fight with the Green
Lantern, would you have some kind of special power
over him, because that you derive your power from
the yellow sun. Or is it just that you dress up in
black pleather and would be weak against his awesome
might. Also, what would happen if there were a
crossover and you got into a fight with Bird Man, he
also derives his powers from the sun, would you both
be equally powerful being that you have the same
Zod's Response: Who are
these characters, Green Lantern and Bird Man, that
you speak of? They a probably figments of your
imagination. Even if they were real, they could not
possibly be as strong as ZOD! I am pleased to hear
about this Bird Man however. I see that you are
practiced in worshipping things that fly... good.
My rightful ruler, hero and mentor,
On account of a faulty back, once kneeling to your
awesome might I found that it would be impossible to
ever extract myself from this position. Would it be
acceptable to act as a pathetic extension of your
supreme will from this position of genuflection? If
this example of human frailty displeases you, I can
only hope to die by your hands.
Zod's Response: On the
contrary, the fact that you are now in a permanent
kneeling position, you have nothing to fear. For
kneeling before me for all eternity is the greatest
way one can honor me. So continue to kneel before
me, loyal slave, you shall be allowed to live a life
of servitude for your ruler, General Zod.
Do you wear underwear under your shiny clothes? And
if so are they from Krypton?
Zod's Response: Such
matters do not concern you. I find it disturbing
that you are so focused on my clothing, rather than
being concern with the fact that I might kill you in
the near future.
do you pluck your eyebrows?
Zod's Response: What
sort of nonsense is this?? You shall be killed for
Name:........... eddie harrison
General Zod, I've got a touch of rheumatism in my
knees and wondered if you hd any exercises I could
use to help get them moving again?
Zod's Response: The
only thing you need to exercise is your daily
worship of me!
There is a car blocking my parking spot. Could you
please blow it out of the way? P.S. You rock.
Zod's Response: Not
only did I destroy the intrusive car that you
mentioned, but I have destroyed your parking spot as
Name:........... General Zod
Who do you think that you are?!?!?!!? How dare you
impersonate a general, especially me, Zod!!!!!!!!!!
I tell you to kneel before me or perish in the hell
fires of Zod!!!!!
Zod's Response: For
your absurd attempt to act as a Zod impostor, I will
see that you are torn apart. Die as you deserve to!
Name:........... Galvin Chow
Dear General Zod Our Supreme Ruler,
If you could have any Earth-woman -- and you can --
which one would you choose? I myself favor Delta
Zod's Response: Loyal
Slave, although I could have any earth woman I so
desired, no earth woman could possibly be worthy of
the great Zod. Nor could any earth woman compare to
Since you've been tooling around the universe and
have no doubt traveled at light speed, I have a
question. If you are in a car traveling the speed of
light and turn on your head lights, what happens?
Just curious, your evil lordship type dude.
Zod's Response: Since
you have addressed me as your lordship, I will grant
you this answer, even though I would never ride in
such a crude means of transportation like a "car".
If a weak mortal like yourself were to travel at the
speed of light in a car and then turn on the head
lights, you would be vaporized instantly. Your
fragile body structure cannot handle such intense
rays of light. But such a death would be much easier
than the death I will hand to you should ever dare
to defy me! Now kneel before your lordship, General
Name:........... Dark Jedi
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful
than you can possibly imagine. I am not the Jedi
you're looking for. I can go about my business. Move
Zod's Response: So, you
are a Jedi. I remember your weak species. Non and I
have snapped the necks of a thousand Jedi. I now see
that we have one more neck to snap.
So, what are your Grammy picks this year? Think
Linkin Park will win best new artist or Alicia Keys?
Come on, put some of that all-knowing, all-seeing
mojo to work and give us the scoop.....
Zod's Response: What is
this "Grammy"? I will defeat him if he ever dares
show his face before me! Kneel before me Alicia
Keys! Kneel before me Linkin Park! I, General Zod am
your rightful leader!
My friends and I are overwhelmed by your manliness
and sexual charisma. Can we join your harem to be
used as Your Mightiness sees fit? PS We are all
Zod's Response: You
will have to speak with Ursa regarding such matters.
If you can defeat her, I will allow you to live and
stand by my side. However, I sincerely doubt this
will ever happen. The probable outcome is that she
will make you kneel before her, just as you now
kneel before me!
Name:........... Superman II
If you're so powerful and a supposed "ruler" then
why did you fall for Superman's trap in the Fortress
of Solitude? That shows you're stupid compared to
the Man of Steel.
Zod's Response: Why do
you say this to me when you know I will kill you for
it? As I have stated many times in the past, that
was not me in that foolish "movie". It was what you
humans call an "actor". I have discovered that his
name is Terrence Stamp and I will kill him soon
enough for portraying me as someone who could be
defeated by this "Superman". I have already defeated
your weak Superman. And now, I shall crush you with
my bare hands! KNEEL!
Name:........... Quake Master
Does the almighty Zod play Quake 3? If so, I would
challenge his highness to a duel...
Zod's Response: Quake?
I assume you are referring to earthquakes. Lex Luthor
once informed me about his attempt to sink California
into the sea by using earthquakes to his advantage. I
am sure that you are not as adapt at earthquake
creation as he is. And I already know that I can
create earthquakes a thousand times greater than Lex
Luthor's. Therefore, your challenge is empty. SO KNEEL
BEFORE ZOD OR DIE AS YOU DESERVE TO!
Neither I nor any member of my family shall ever
kneel before you or swear any loyalty to you. What
do you have to say about that?
Zod's Response: Then
you and your family will all share a fate far worse
than the Son of Jorel's! KNEEL OR PERISH!
Name:........... Santa Clause
Dear General Zod,
I have noticed while checking my list twice, that
you have asked for a Superman action figure. Is this
really true? Your Friend, Santa.
Zod's Response: Who is
this Santa? I defy you! Come! Come and Kneel Before
Name:........... Bin Laden
I AM BIN LADEN AND WILL ACCEPT NO OTHER WORLD
LEADERS!!! ALL YOR HOUSTON ARE BELONG TO US
Zod's Response: So
humans, Bin Laden has still eluded your capture?
Wrong. What the world doesn't realize is that I have
already killed him for leaving me the above message.
He was easy to kill and he squealed like a little
school girl. I enjoyed killing him, and then I
buried his remains under a large pile of of
rhinoceros droppings. A very fitting demise if I do
say so myself.
Name:........... Nathan Ingram
"The Horse Whisperer". Love it? Hate it? Love to
hear your thoughts.
Very well. I will have you know that nobody knows
how to influence a horse more than I. I thought that
was very evident considering what happened to the
Son of Jorel.
Name:........... Justin Ballard
Do you have herpes?
Zod's Response: No, but I can promise that you'll be feeling a burning sensation once you meet the wrath of my eye-lasers!
General, is it suitable for me to cower at your feet? I am so terrified that kneeling does not seem worthy of your powers. P.S. Do eye lasers make it easier to cook?
Zod's Response: Excellent. Being afraid of Zod is how all of my loyal slaves should feel. You may cower at my feet, but first you must KNEEL. KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! And yes, eye-lasers do indeed make cooking easier, as I have demonstrated in the past.
I have no knees. How am I supposed to kneel before you?
Zod's Response: Humans are already inferior as it is, but a human with no knees is something I have no use for. If you cannot kneel before me, then you will die as you deserve to!
At what point did you formulate your plan for world/universal domination? Was it in the Phantom zone or merely when you encountered the sniveling inhabitants of Earth and realized how easily we are dominated?
Zod's Response: I find it strange that you, a human, describe your kind as "sniveling inhabitants of Earth". First, I must correct you. The planet is called "Houston", not "Earth". Next, I was born with the knowledge that I was destined to be ruler of all that exists. And last, KNEEL BEFORE
Name:........... Dan Moore
Do you like pancakes?
Zod's Response: What are these "pancakes" you speak of? They are no match for my powers! Show yourselves cowardly pancakes! Show yourselves! COWARDS!
Does the all-powerful Zod have a last name? Or is your first name General?
Zod's Response: My full name is "Zod". Human slaves are allowed to refer to me in any of the following ways:
2) General Zod
3) Our Rightful Ruler/Leader
In many millions of years, when Earth's yellow sun goes nova and fades to the red glow of your native Krypton, won't you in fact be powerless and no longer able to enforce any rule, even on the then lifeless Houston? I ask because this would turn the notion of your eternal rule to nothing but a farce dreamed up by a pleather-clad alien with self-worth issues.
Your humble slave, Bryan-El of Houston
Zod's Response: Another question from the same slave? You are pushing your luck, mortal. I have the strength to move planets. Do you not think that I could fly directly into the sun, the very sun that gives me such powers, and move it so that it would not ever collide with planet Houston? Do not ever doubt me, or I shall be forced to make a demonstration of my powers and you will be the one to suffer the consequences.
Zod, is there a phone number for the Krypton tourist board that i can phone for a vacation.
Zod's Response: Slaves are not allowed to have any "vacations" as you call them. Only I, your ruler, can enjoy such
privileges. Now KNEEL!
Is groveling before Zod also acceptable?
Zod's Response: Yes, as long as you are kneeling while doing so.
Name:........... Lois Lane
Hey Zod, i am incredibly attracted to you.. and i must make love to you as soon as possible! but one thing stands in the way... Batman... i think he's this guy i use to date named Bruce Wayne, can you take him out so i can satisfy my "itch" with you ?
Zod's Response: Why do you say these things to me when you know I will kill you for it?
hello Generel Zod, do you like Sega Dreamcast, Sony Playstation2, Nintendo gamecube, or Microsoft Xbox? oh and speaking of which... the Bill Gates guy is getting awefully powerful for a mere Human... perhaps you should kill him.
Zod's Response: What are these things you speak of? You humans are full of such utter nonsense, I often question whether it is worth ruling you instead of killing every last one of you. Either way, I shall be riding the planet of you soon enough, coward!
i worship you almighty Zod. I am a waste of air compared to your awsome greatness. i have but one question to ask my lord, when will you kill the Prime Minister of Canada, Jean Chretein, and assume your rightful position as Ruler of
Canada? cause this Jean Chretein is saying on TV that he's the leader of Canada, and his defiance deeply angers me, the pathetic French Man thinks he's better then
Zod? He must be killed.
Zod's Response: Who is this French Man? Come to me French Man, if you dare! I defy you! Come! Come and kneel before
Name:........... F Street
When you were trapped in the Phantom Zone, how often did you beat your meat?
Zod's Response: You must be the sole reason the concept of "inferiority" was created. KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
All Hail Lord Zod!
May I ask if you have any regrets? And if your regret is letting me live this long, please allow me to extinguish my own life.
Zod's Response: Your display of support for my rule is
admirable, but you do not have the choice when your life shall be extinguished. You may not die without my permission. And when you die, it will most certainly be by my own hands. There is no death more honorable.
Name:........... Frank Hanley
It would be nice if you could mentor poor Non and teach him how to properly shoot his laser eye beams. Why don't you do this?
Zod's Response: Perhaps it would also be nice if I sent Non to your quarters where he would proceed to tear you apart! Now kneel!
Name:........... The Artful Dodger
I kneel down before you, oh great Zod, and vow loyalty to you... I do have a question for you, however, and I hope you do not find me insolent for doing so. Do you copulate with your colleague Ursa, and if not, what is your relationship
Zod's Response: Copulation is for the weak. Myself and Ursa are invincible and eternal, so there
is absolutely no need for us to procreate. I am
eternal and this is why I shall rule forever!
Name:........... Colin Fones-Wolf
General Zod, I was wondering why you go with the beard look? You'd have much sharper -- thus more menacing -- features if you just shaved.
Zod's Response: My beard suggests the wisdom and leadership that comes with age. Each whisker is strong enough to poke through your puny human skull. Perhaps I shall use you to demonstrate!
Oh Magnificent One, I was wondering if you could help out my basketball team, Team Metalbeast. I know with your great wisdom we can conquer the Intramural Championship. What advice can you give to my team?
Zod's Response: Team? What team is this? Are you humans trying to band together to fight me? Do you not remember what happened the last time you attempted this? I literally blew one of your cities away. KNEEL BEFORE YOUR RULER OR YOU WILL DIE.
Name:........... Lex Luthor
Zod, How does it feel to know that i played you like a puppet in my plan to own the world... you were merely a pawn in my war with Superman. Kneel Before LEX
Zod's Response: Lex Luthor. For your defiance, I have dispatched Non and Ursa to kill you. You are no longer "ruler of Australia". I have instead handed rule of Australia to "Steve Irwin", a man who hunts strange "crocodile" creatures. He displays much more bravery than you ever have, coward. And he also submits to me to do my bidding. A very loyal slave indeed.
Who is your favorite New Kid? I like Joey.
Response: All human children are "new" since they were all recently born. So why do you feel the need to call them "new"?
Your lack of intellect stuns me. And who is this Joey that you speak of? One of my slaves I imagine...
Name:........... Onassis,The Next Generation
I am a man of great power from the place called Greece on the planet Houston..I
also have large amounts of money to spend in order to help you become the true
ruller of planet Houston..All I ask in return is that Ursa becomes my girlfriend....I know you can persuade her to kneel before me.....All hail General Zod!!!!
Response: You cannot bargain with what you do not have to offer. You have no power and your money is useless to me. I am ALREADY the ruler of the planet Houston. The only thing I will grant you is the opportunity to KNEEL BEFORE
Name:........... The Yamster
You DO know that I can kick your
lily ass, don't you?
Response: There are no
lilies on my posterior, and even if there were, you could not kick them. I am your ruler, and for saying such things, I must kill you.
How often do you get it on with Ursa? Does Non ever join in for a threesome?
Response: What is this "get it on" that you speak of? Get what on? As for a threesome, yes Non, Ursa, and Zod equals three.
And should you try to defy any one of us, it will be
your last living act.
Why were you the "teacher" in Young Guns???
Did the whole "Zod" gig not pay off too well...?
Response: Why are you humans so fascinated with these "guns"? They are just bothersome,
crude noisemakers. To answer your question: I am a teacher...
the greatest teacher of all time!
I teach people to obey, serve, and KNEEL!
Hey ZOD, nice to see your skills at grilling some fine cow with your laser eyes.
By any chance are you a Meatatarian?
Response: A true leader feeds off of the weak, whether they be cattle or humans (though I often can't tell the difference between the two).
How many licks does it take to get to the center of YOUR MOM?
Response: Who is
this "Mom" that you speak of? I have no
mother, I came from pure energy matter. If I did
have a "Mom" she would be my slave or
would be killed. And there would be no
"licks" to get to the center of her. My
eye-lasers would do get to the center of her in one
shot. This is what happens to those to defy ZOD!
Superman loves your baby blues, and he wants to screw! Superman wants to give
Zod the rod! Lather me up and call me me Lex, Superman and Zod are going have
sex! If you must a have a question, then this I must pose, will you bend me
over and give me your hose?
Response: Come to
me, Superman... If you dare! I defy you! Come! Come
and Kneel Before Zod! ZOD!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you kill that nasty Amidala chick for getting you fired as Chancellor?
Response: Why do
you say this to me, when you know I will kill you
Name:........... The Beam
Do you like The Rentals? Because I think they're the best band ever.
Response: I see
that you have been experiencing the emotion you call
"joy" without my permission. For not
obeying me, I will soon kill you as well as this
"band of Rentals" that you speak of.
I've noticed lately that when I get up in the morning, my eyes seem to be more
covered in eye crud than usual. I had a cold recently, but that has gone away.
Why do you think my eyes are crusty in the morning?
Response: This is
because you are a pathetic mortal. Just be glad that
I have allowed you to live under my rule for this
long. Now wipe the crust from your eyes and KNEEL
Name:........... max dejtens
Do you find it hard being openly homosexual?
Response: I find it
hard resisting the urge to kill you for your
insolence. In fact, I will no longer resist the urge
to kill you... I will instead INDULGE in it!
Name:........... Chris Murphy
Why does my mommy tell me it is wrong to worship Lord Zod? Is she evil?
Response: I have
just killed your "mommy". Worry no more.
Name:........... Chris Giangarlo
How can I get girls to like me zod?
P.S. Superman Sucks
Response: I see you
dislike Superman, for this I will spare your life.
But girls only like ZOD. I suggest you stick to men.
Name:........... The Kapn
If you're so superior, how come superman kicked your ass, along with your
boyfriend and skanky little sister? Apparently, Zod is no
match for a REAL All-American Superhero. Maybe you should just
keep your day job in the gothic industrial group, that songs pretty good, alot like techno music.
Response: Why do
you say this to me when you know that I will kill
you for it? Do not EVER compare the great music of
ZOD to the wretched music known as "techno"
that is often found at raves. You human ravers are
the lowest form of life I have ever seen. And for
this reason, and many more, I will soon kill you. So
Kneel Kapn... KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!