"Christmas"
An evil holiday in dire need of changes.

As the planet Houston month of December arrives each year, you humans have a strange "holiday" which you prefer to "celebrate". This strange occasion is known as "Christmas". I have yet to meet this "Christ" person that the holiday references, but should I meet him, I guarantee that he shall kneel before Zod! Should he not, he will pay for his defiance with his life. Then again, most humans have informed me that this "Christ" is nothing more than a fabrication of your puny minds, and that the "holiday" is all about commercialism and greed. Well at least it is an evil holiday, so I approve of that. But the name of the holiday must go. From now on, you shall refer to it as "Zodmas". Anybody heard speaking the name "Christmas" shall be killed without hesitation.

Now then, while this "Christ" character is a farce, I have heard many tales of a man by the name of "Santa Claus" who travels to your homes every Christmas to bring you "presents" for being "good little boys and girls". WHO IS HE TO JUDGE WHETHER OR NOT YOU HAVE BEEN GOOD OR BAD??? I DEFY YOU SANTA CLAUS!

As you can see, I heard that this "Santa Claus" was making an appearance at a local mall. So I met him there, and ended the matter. I must ask you humans a question however: Why do you choose to celebrate an obese man in a hideous suit who has the stench of cheap liquor on his breath? The odor was so strong that even I, the great General Zod, chose to cover my nose while ending his life. Revolting.

Your Santa Claus is dead and I roasted his reindeer over an open fire (Non ate them shortly after). From this day forth, I am your new Santa. SANTA ZOD!

As your new Santa, I have decided to get into the "Zodmas spirit" by participating in some of the very same rituals that you, my slaves, partake in each year. The first ritual is the lighting of a "Zodmas Tree". Though the electrical light bulbs which you string across a tree may light it up slightly, nothing lights up a tree better than my powerful eye-lasers.

A TREE TRULY WORTHY OF ZOD!

Kneel before me Zodmas Tree! I have never seen a tree that glowed so brightly. Therefore, I declare my tree to be the greatest Zodmas tree EVER. Kneel before it!

Next on the list, I noticed that you humans appear to be obsessed with using a product known as "ginger". I had a slave, who claimed she was an expert on the creation of "gingerbread houses", help me with the creation of one.

Constructing the house proved to be quite easy, but that is to be expected when you are the ruler of all that exists. I must say, I felt that her gingerbread house was not a worthy tribute to me. It even had a Santa Claus picture on it. Naturally, I killed her for her defiance. My gingerbread house, however, was flawless. Rather than use mere "icing" as she chose to use, I used tar. I believe the tar gives my gingerbread house the viewer a feeling of "helplessness" and "impending doom", both of which fit in perfectly with the holiday season. Once again, your ruler has done it. I, General Zod have created the greatest gingerbread house EVER.

I wasn't going to stop there though. Since I had proven to be a bread of ginger master, I decided to make what you humans call a "gingerbread man". Now, surely none of you are worthy of the title of "man" in my eyes, so I have created the world's first "gingerbread slave". Behold!

Look at the hopelessness in his eyes! The fear! This gingerbread slave knows who his rightful leader is... ZOD! Furthermore, I'm sure you have noticed that my gingerbread slave has no legs. This is my merciful way of allowing the slave to live, so that he will always be able to kneel before me. If you have no legs, you cannot stand. If you cannot stand, you can only kneel. If you only kneel, I shall allow you to live. Any gingerbread slave that dares to grow legs shall receive the ultimate punishment... CONSUMPTION!

And finally, since you human slaves were so accustomed to having the defiant Santa Claus visit you each year, I have decided to take his place. I, Santa Zod, shall make a list. I shall check it twice. I shall find out who has been naughty or kneeled. Santa Zod is coming to town. For those of you who have kneeled before me, I shall give you the gift of your very own gingerbread slave. For those of you who haven't been kneeling, I shall drop a 3-ton boulder on your homes and then use the flesh of your bodies to create more gingerbread slaves!

Remember my slaves, the only way I will deliver you these gingerbread slave treats, is if you continue to dedicate your life to me as you...

back to Zod home