by: -RoG-

Every year, I love scouring all the seasonal Halloween stores to see if I can find an even more insane imported novelty item than I found the previous year. When you consider I've found things such as Death's Head Terror and a Power Weapon, that's quite a tough legacy of lunacy to live up to. Fortunately for you, I think I've managed to find yet another gem that will make your head explode with wonder. I present to you... Secret Ghostdom!

I know, I know... so many questions are already popping into your head you don't even know where to begin. Why does is this thing popping out of a vortex? How can a skull have a stitches on its forehead? Why is it wearing a cloak with a cobweb emblazed on the center? Why does the opposite side of the box show it wearing a black cloak which reads "Boo Boo"? Why is there a strange pink spacecraft flying near its head on the opposite side of the box? Why does it appear to have pigtails for a hairdo? Why is it bleeding? Why is it holding a microphone shaped like another bloody skull? And most importantly... WHAT THE HELL IS THE SECRET BEHIND SECRET GHOSTDOM!?

With so many questions unanswered without even taking this thing out of the bux, further inspection is clearly required.

Made in China? No way! With a name like "Secret Ghostdom" which clearly embraces the English language with open arms, I thought for sure it was made right here in the U.S. of A! But why is there a hand holding a bone with two miniature skulls at each end? More importantly, why the hell is there some kind of spheroid robo-crab monster crawling on a mountain pictured on the box there? Damnit! No questions have been answered, but by exploring other areas of the box, even more questions have arisen! I suppose all we can do is press onward in hopes that some clarity is in our future.

Ok, now we're kind of getting somewhere. For starters, we now know this thing operates on batteries and not the souls of your children. It's also apparently number 514 in a product line that would surely require your face to have a drool cup attached to it at all times if you ever looked at it. The Halloween shop that sold this to me also had no idea what they were dealing with, so they just decided to describe it as a walking ghost.

Now don't get cocky... just because we learned a few things about this item, it doesn't mean more questions haven't popped up. For one thing, did you notice the power switch to the left of the batteries? There's no "ON" switch! It only has "OFF" and a "NO" modes. Good god, what the hell does it do!? And look to the right! Why is there's a robot shaped like a nut with marshmallow hands balancing on what appears to be a thin slate of biotite mica?

You know what? This box is just going to give me a migraine if I stare at it any longer, so let's open it up and hope nothing jumps out and tears my face off in the process.

Holy shit. Look at it! That costume is nothing like the one pictured on the box - he's covered in shiny golden cobwebs. Golden cobwebs! Perhaps that's what the "No. 514" on the box meant? Maybe there are 514 costume varieties that these Secret Ghostdom things wear? I honestly don't know, I'm just trying to grasp onto some kind of logic here, folks. And check out that hair... it's far more chaotic looking than what's depicted on the package.

Say, I have an idea. Let's check under the costume! Maybe that's where the secret of Secret Ghostdom is hidden?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!? Secret Ghostdom appears to be pregnant. So pregnant that its legs were swallowed up by that enormous stomach. And look at the size of those feet; they're bigger than the skull! And you know what they say about a Secret Ghostdom with large feet, right? No, I'm really asking you... what do they say about a Secret Ghostdom with large feet?

Well, I suppose it's time to say goodbye to my loved ones, for I'm going to put some batteries in this thing and I don't know what's going to happen to me after I flip that switch from "OFF" to "NO" mode.

So when you flip the switch to "NO", Secret Ghost starts walking in a circle while flailing its body around in what can only be described as a whirling dervish type of motion. As soon as you see it in action, it becomes quite clear how its hair got that messed up. In addition to making one of those classic "weeeeeeeee-oooooooooo" cheap Halloween toy sounds, its eyes light up bright enough while flashing that the entire skull lights up as well. I did what I could to position the little skull-spine microphone so it looked like it was pointed at its mouth, but Secret Ghostdom was insistent on jabbing it into its eye socket instead.

Now I'm sure you're expecting a video of Secret Ghostdom in action at this point, and under any normal circumstances, you'd be getting just that. But the story of Secret Ghostdom has just begun. Why? Because, I just went to a completely different Halloween store and found this:

ANOTHER SECRET GHOSTDOM!

Oh my god... they're spreading around like a virus that cannot be contained! There is another Secret Ghostdom and this one not only looks different, but it comes with all new packaging! For one thing, they gave Secret Ghostdom a fancy new logo. You know the gore is about to hit the fan when they make a font change to a logo, use the gradient tool on it, and throw in some neon pink vampire bats.

And now the package has a celophane window so you can see exactly what you're getting. Of course, since it was the only one in the store, it's not like I had any choice.

Secret Ghostdom also appears to have haunted its own price tag - as you can see, the original list price was ZERO dollars, but the new value price is $3.95. Secret Ghostdom is capable of confusing you so badly that you'll think paying nearly four dollars is a better deal than getting the product for free!

Dare we check out the rest of the package? Oh yes... we dare.

SHAKE PRONUNCIATION IRRADIANCE! HOO! HOO! HOO! You can try raking your fingernails across your corneas until they bleed, but you simply cannot unsee those words. Those words are now forever ingrained in your mind, and later in life when you're on your death bed, they'll somehow manage to surface when you speak your last words. Your loved ones who were at your side at the time will then go on wondering what the hell you were tying to communicate when you said, "SHAKE PRONUNCIATION IRRADIANCE! HOO! HOO! HOO!", and it will forever haunt their dreams until they say the same words on their death beds. It's like The Ring, but instead of a deadly VHS tape getting passed around, it's a mere phrase that destroys your mind.

And there it is again! In that small box, we see the same words, broken out into bullet points instead. And check out the castle motif they have going on there. Is that where Secret Ghostdom comes from? Some mysterious medieval castle where black magic rituals were practiced? I can only assume so since the WINDOWS ARE BLEEDING.

Well what do ya know! This Secret Ghostdom has the black cloak design that was featured on the original Secret Ghostdom box - though the spider web is now neon pink and the "Boo Boo" text is baby blue. So not only is this one's skull green, but its microphone appears to be significantly bloodier. It's also permanently attached to Secret Ghostdom's hand, whereas the original toy can barely hold onto the mic.

Of all the changes however, none are more significant than the fact that they CHOPPED OFF ITS FEET! Yep, I was wondering why it looked smaller when I bought it, and as soon as I took it home, it immediately became apparent... no feet.

As you can see, Secret Ghostdom #2 is much shorter than Secret Ghostdom #1. But it's not all bad news for our footless friend; it has much better posture, less gray hairs, and it never drops the microphone. The original Secret Ghostdom definitely wins in the fashion category though... there's just no beating a cloak covered in golden spider webs. It also wins in the "ability to walk" category as well.

When I flipped the the switch on this one, its eyes lit up as it made the same sound, but instead of walking around in circles, it just vibrated like crazy. Honestly, I'm just amazed that 1) these things turned on at all and 2) they didn't murder me (yet).

So you've seen just about everything there is to see from the two Secret Ghostdom... things. All that remains to be shown is some video footage of them in action. Prepare your eyeballs:

I feel like by turning them on at the same time, I've allowed them to communicate with each other, and this will no doubt open up the seventh circle of hell which will engulf our entire world within the next day or two. Sorry about that.

And there you have it. You've seen all the packaging. You've seen all the features. You've inspected two Ghostdoms. You've seen the video footage. And after all that, just what have we learned about Secret Ghostdom today? Not a damn thing.

SHAKE PRONUNCIATION IRRADIANCE!
HOO! HOO! HOO!

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