Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
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Choose Your Own Adventure: I-MOCKERY STYLE!

I Love You Guys!
Eugh, that was not fun.

You pooped in your hands and you then wrote "I Love You Guys!" on your T-shirt. Then you started to cackle like a maniac as you stared at the gang with psychotic lust in your eyes.

"Holy Shit! This muthafucka is crazy! Shit, I bet he doesn't even have a wallet! Let's get the fuck away from this stinky muthafucka!", said the leader of the gang.

As nasty of an experience as that was, you escaped with your life. Sure, you don't have much dignity left in you, but hey... you never really cared too much about that anyway, right? All you care about right now is washing your hands and throwing out that T-shirt immediately.

You immediately throw away your T-Shirt, but you still have a jacket to wear at least. You find a nearby faucet and you wash off your hands. Now it's late and you had better get home before you're late for supper.

When you get home, you smell the sweet scent of "Hamburger Helper" that your mom has already prepared. She shakes her head at you and says, "You're late! Where's your shirt? And what's that awful smell!? You march on upstairs and clean yourself up right now mister!"

So you head up to the bathroom and you wash up for supper. As you clean yourself up you think to yourself, "If only she knew what kind of a day I've had so far." 

When you get to the dinner table, your drunken, abusive father is sitting there with a big cigar in his mouth. "Where the hell have you been?" You try to explain to him, but he just cuts you off. "You good for nothing, selfish, little shit! I bust my ass every day for you and you can't even make it home on time for dinner? I should beat the shit out of you, you little turd!"

As you sit there listening to him continue to rant about how ungrateful and irresponsible you are, you start to wonder if you really need to live in such a hostile environment. But they're you're parents, right? Right. They're supposed to love you unconditionally, so this will all pass over soon.

Well, it would have, had you kept your big mouth shut. Yep, as soon as your dad was done yelling at you, you decided to "break the news" about how you've just been suspended from school for a week. He almost chokes on his cigar and he literally bursts with an array of obscenities that you can't even begin to try to repeat.

"THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT YOU LITTLE SHIT! I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU!", he screamed uncontrollably.

"John, no! He's just a boy!", your mom shouted, trying to stop your father from attacking you.

"Fuck that! He's 18! It's high time he learned how to take a beating like a MAN!", he replied.

Completely furious, he turns the kitchen table over and starts to charge towards you. You've got to make a quick decision!

You decide to: