Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
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Choose Your Own Adventure: I-MOCKERY STYLE!

What the hell is in here!?

You decide to pull out all the stops and go for the “Mother of All Nightmares” theme for your party. You start to reach for it, but before you can make your purchase, the Gatekeeper confronts you:

“Fool, the Mother of All Nightmares is not for just anyone to have!”

Wow, even for a recording this guy is a jerk. How can a store that’s only open two months out of the year be so choosy about who they sell their nightmarish goodies to? Furthermore, how can they afford to when they can’t even employ a real person to work the cash register? You have a list of about eight hundred more indignant questions to ask, but before you can, the Gatekeeper interrupts:

“Those who seek the Mother of All Nightmares must
first pass the three trials Absolute Horror.”

This statement doesn’t put you off at all. Hell, you’ve seen the grail-selecting scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade at least a dozen times, so what kind of test could he possibly throw at you? You put your hands on your hips, grin stupidly, and welcome whatever ass-clenching terror awaits you.

“Well then, mote, the first trial begins!”

“You are at your Halloween party and everything is going well. Suddenly, you hear the doorbell ring, and upon opening the door, you are greeted by a cadre of five-year-olds dressed as Spongebob Squarepants, Raggedy Andy, and various brightly-colored Pokémon. ‘Trick or treat,’ they squeal. What do you do?”

You decide to pick:


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