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Choose Your Own Adventure: I-MOCKERY STYLE!


No time to think. You have to get out of this-

Hang on a minute. How does "leap from the moving car" sound even remotely like the right choice? I mean, wouldn't you at least try out all the others first? Christ, what is wrong with you? Are you trying to lose? Eh, never mind.

Kids... try this at home.

No time to think. You have to get out of this car NOW. But with Dix's eyes resting on you, while he should really be watching the road, that's not going to be easy. That's when you spot a stick of homeopathic lip gloss resting on the dashboard. Pretending to move closer to his as of yet unopened trousers, you grasp the lip gloss and cunningly twist off the top. You then proceed to ram it home - deep up Dix's right nostril. The now helpless homeopath begins to flail wildly behind the steering wheel, and you have your chance. The car door opens much more easily than you expected, sending you tumbling out onto the asphalt. Through an incredible stroke of luck, you manage to steady yourself on the asphalt without losing most of your skin. Standing up, you watch Dix Spickler's car veer off the road, completely aflame and with what looks like M&Ms spouting from the exhaust pipe. As it disappears from sight, you take a deep breath and consider how lucky you are to have come out of that alive. Just then, a white van that was coming from the other direction smashes into you and sends you flying into the side of the road. You hear screeching brakes, footsteps drawing near, and then you black out.

...and they said "Jed move away from there!"

You wake to find yourself in some kind of grimy shack in the middle of the woods, lying on a filthy bed with your injuries treated. The door opens, and a man wearing clothes that are dirtier than dirt approaches.

"Hullo!" he says. "How're ya feeling, kid? Name's Herman, Herman Melville. No relation. You just showed up in front of my car and I thought the least I could do was drag you to my grimy forest shack and get you all patched up. Hey, if you're feelin' OK, I could drive ya wherever ya need to go. You name it."

Charmed by this mysterious creature, you decide to confide in him and tell him you're looking for a treasure. You extract the map from your pocket and point out the Epcot Center.

"The... Epcot Center?" Herman says, his features sagging. He shuffles towards the window and stares outside.

You inquire if there's anything wrong with that.

Herman spins around. "What could be RIGHT about it?" he shrieks. "About the place... that ruined my life!?"

Suddenly, you realize he's been wearing a giant Dale the chipmunk head the whole time.

They'll soon store his guts for the winter.

"It wasn't my fault." Herman goes on, as if you're not even there. "How was I supposed to notice? It wasn't my job to keep track of what Chip did! I WAS DALE!! And... it's normal for kids to cry when we hug them. Sometimes... Sometimes they get scared. But this time... and Chip... Chip did a bad thing. And he pinned it all on me."

You briefly wonder just what it is about you that seems to attract dangerously disturbed folk.

"Yes... I'll take you to the Epcot Center." Herman finally says. "Just you... and me... and ol' Ticky right here." At this, he cackles maniacally, and hands you a briefcase that emits a distinct ticking sound.

You decide to:




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