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It's like you're
dreaming, only you yourself aren't in the dream, it's Father
O'Cutleybits when he was but a wee lad, here at Camp Chopleton. You
vaguely hear his adult self mumbling away, and you realize you're
experiencing a flashback about the good Father's youth, and near the end
when it winds down and everything melts back into present day,
O'Cutleybits will be there wrapping up the story for you and it turns
out it was all just a big story he was telling but you saw it all happen
like you were there because no one's going to listen to some stupid
run-on monologue.
It's the Summer of
1976, and it's once again a beautiful evening at Camp Chopzelstein For
Boys and Fat Boys With Well-off Parents. Young Jeremiah O'Cutleybits
looks over the camping grounds, unaware that he is not far away from
being a changed man... forever.
There's no sound to accompany this sepia-toned scene other than a
vaguely tense soundtrack that sounds as if it may erupt in harsh violin
strokes or deep drum beats any moment, but you get the general idea of
what's going on since everyone's making a spastic effort to visually
convey their feelings and rhythmically flapping their mouths like dying
fish.
Two other boys join the pre-adolescent O'Cutleybits, and both look
strikingly familiar. One is obviously a younger version of that nerd
counselor Dick Boddy, much fatter than he would grow out to be, but
nearly just as bald. The other looks kind of like you... and even more
like... YOUR FATHER!!
No, wait... it can't be your father. This guy broke his nose badly once,
and his eyes aren't the right color. Gasp! Splutter! It's Theodore, your
uncle who you've conveniently never heard of! It looks like him and
O'Cutleybits hung out together when they were kids at camp... and Boddy
tagged along even though they didn't like him. You can't know this, but
feel it in your heart.
The three boys appear to be heading out on some kind of midnight
expedition. Perhaps to prove their bravery or investigate ancient
legends of a child-eating beast in the woods. Perhaps to exchange
Starsky & Hutch Bathing Suits Edition trading cards or to discuss which
of Charlie's Angels they'd bone if Farrah Fawcett's face got ripped off
by a grizzly bear. At any rate, you're pretty sure the reason is stupid.
A couple of fade-overs later, the trio is immersed in darkness, trudging
through fallen leaves with only a wimpy pocketlight to guide them. There
seems to be little surprise when they arrive at a creepy, weathered old
shack. The kids argue amongst themselves for a moment as if trying to
determine who has to go in first, then do some messed up secret
handshake thing, and enter the shack, single file, Theodore in the lead.
The inside is dark, cold, crawling with spiders... there's a creaking
sound in the corner... the door SNAPS SHUT BEHIND THEM AND THERE IS A
GROWL AND THEN A SPRAY OF WARM BLOOD AND GUTS AND O'CUTLEYBITS RAISES
HIS POCKETLIGHT TO SEE WHAT'S TOWERING OVER HIM IT'S —
But Father O'Cutleybits's final telling of his most traumatic childhood
experience is cut short as his stomach explodes with gore, splattering
your shoes and those of your characteristically diverse troupe with
blood. O'Cutleybits fall to his knees, blood oozing out of his mouth and
radiating an unpleasant smell that suggests his bowels may have just let
go. He grabs hold of you with a true death's grip and glares at you
urgently with wide eyes, trying to muster the strength to utter some
final warning. Standing in the shadow of a tree behind him you see an
impossibly tall, bearded figure with bright yellow eyes, clutching a
smoking power drill capped with a battle-axe, now dripping with bits of
O'Cutleybits. You faintly marvel at the volume of the girls' shrieks
before you realize they're coming from your own throat.
You decide to:
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