A lot of people asked me what I thought about Star Wars Episode III where
they have Vader walk around like Frankenstein and say "Noooooooooooo!"
in an extremely cheesy way. They claim that Darth Vader would never say
something like that. I simply have to respond with, "Look, you
people really don't know the guy. He says that every day!" Still, nobody
believed me. Fortunately, I happen to know Darth quite well and he's been
enjoying his retirement from acting a lot. Still, there's not a day that
goes by in his life where some sort of huge tragedy doesn't take place. I
asked Darth if we could follow him around for a day and he was totally
cool about it. So to all you Star Wars fans who were disappointed with
Darth's final on-screen appearance, I present to you a day in the life of
IT'S THE BURLINGTON COAT FACTORY! I SURE COULD USE A NEW COAT, LET'S GO
INSIDE AND SEE WHAT THEY HAVE!
NOW THAT'S A PRETTY COAT! I WONDER HOW I'D LOOK IF I TRIED IT ON WHEN
NOBODY WAS LOOKING?
"EXCUSE ME SIR, CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET TO ALBUQUERQUE?"
LOOK! A PLAYHOUSE! A PLAYHOUSE FOR ME! I CAN GO INTO THE PLAYHOUSE
AND PLAY ALL DAY AND WASH MY WORRIES AWAY! I'M GONNA GO INSIDE!
THE!? I CAN'T FIT MY BIG STUPID HEAD INSIDE!?
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT! LOOK AT THAT WONDERFUL TRIBUTE THEY'VE MADE
TO ME! I BET THE KIDS WILL ALL BE DRESSING UP JUST LIKE ME FOR HALLOWEEN
DARTH! CHECK OUT THIS LAME-ASS DARTH VADER HALLOWEEN COSTUME THEY PUT OUT!
BECAUSE I'M AN ACTOR DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN MOCK ME AT WILL! PREPARE TO DIE,
RIGHT SUBWAY MAN, PILE THAT MEAT ONTO MY SANDWICH! PILE IT ON AND MAKE IT
TASTY GOOD! WAIT! DON'T PUT AMERICAN CHEESE ON IT! PLEASE DON'T!!!
PRETTY BIRD! TODAY I WILL TEACH TO YOU SAY A WORD! CAN YOU SAY "PRETTY"
PRETTY BIRD? COME ON PRETTY BIRD, SAY "PRETTY," I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!
BOY, SINCE YOU PEOPLE OBVIOUSLY SELL DEFECTIVE BIRDS, HOW ABOUT YOU SELL
ME A FISH INSTEAD. I WANT THAT FISH, RIGHT THERE AND NO OTHER! IF YOU GET
ANY OTHER FISH I'LL BE VERY UPSET OK? SO PLEASE, GET IT RIGHT. STOP!
YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG ONE! YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG...