Features

The Underappreciated Art of Firecracker Labels
by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED


Funny... this is exactly what I picture whenever I listen to that Lionel Richie song too.


Unless he's backing up, that's a really wreckless way to drive down the highway.


Well? Does it stimulate your package?


Even Jason Voorhees loves to celebrate America.
True, he celebrates by murdering everyone... but to each his own.


I'm sure this will be an Xbox game in no time.


If this was in the trailer, I'd actually be interested in seeing the new Spider-Man movie.


I would've prefered a Swamp Thing themed one, but this will have to do.


What better way to celebrate the holiday than with a warm, golden shower pouring all over you?


Mack Daddy is gonna shoot his flaming balls high into the sky tonight!


I love how casual he appears to be while firing off all those rounds.
You'd think he was holding a weed-whacker.


Oh sure, they may look friendly like Casper, but as you can see on the side of the box,
once you open fire on them, those ghosts immediately turn into fiery hellspawn.


Leaked footage from the upcoming "Planet of the Apes" sequel.


Even Godzilla looks surprised at the explosive display he's barfing up.


I want to make one called "Gene Gone Wilder".


Nothing is more explosive than the dreaded Hammerhead Shark. Nothing.


Imperial Wizard sure knows how to use those Photoshop filters.


Va Va Va Boom!


For those of you who want some nightmares mixed in with your Fourth of July celebrations.


Khaleesi approves.


Vampyro kicks Dracula's ass and is officially the most powerful vampire ever. Why?
Because he trained his vampire bats to drop sticks of dynamite on your face.

WANNA SEE MORE FIRECRACKER LABELS?
CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE TO PAGE 6!

 

Reader Comments

 

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JoeyJoJoJr JoeyJoJoJr is offline
Basement Monkey
Jul 4th, 2009, 04:07 AM
These are great I'm glad this page got updated thanks RoG
PoGo PoGo is offline
The face of trapped wind.
Jul 4th, 2009, 04:31 AM
That was a good read. I liked the Outta My Way package.
Made me think of The Punisher.
Oh, and what the hell is up with that Unicorn pack?
It looks like some weird dog-dragon hybrid.
That can't be good.
No sir.
Julio Julio is offline
Member
Jul 4th, 2009, 06:16 PM
What better name for a firecracker than Quick and Dead? That ought to tell you that you can bet your ass that you'll be blown to bits the very moment you light the fuse.
Danny 4 Eyes Danny 4 Eyes is offline
4 Eyes, No Brain.
Jul 5th, 2009, 03:39 PM
Cheers Rog for opening my eyes to a world where trademarks and liscensed characters mean diddly squat. A world where I can see King Kong flying over the Statue of Liberty, a world where cowboys make their horses dance on fireworks for shits and giggles. My eyes have been opened Rog, and I embrace it. Thank you.
CaTlaloc CaTlaloc is offline
Roid Rager
Jul 5th, 2009, 06:38 PM
"Golden shower? Now that is one Fourth of July celebration I recommend avoiding"- classic. I am still chuckling over than one.
Bavles Bavles is offline
Simpson's Trivia King
Jul 5th, 2009, 07:43 PM
I'm really amazed that someone like you Rog wouldn't point out how much the "out of my way" guy looks like Bruce Campbell
Mockery Mockery is offline
Pickled Patriarch
Jul 5th, 2009, 10:07 PM
Actually, I think PoGo is more on target in saying that he looks like The Punisher, what with that outfit 'n all.
Nick Nick is offline
pickled
Jul 6th, 2009, 02:06 AM
Man, I love these.
Dungeonbrownies Dungeonbrownies is offline
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Jul 6th, 2009, 03:40 AM
Yesh, moar =D but kinda one issue, i dont wanna be a dick about this... but enthused isnt a word. though if its in the pickledictionary, ill gladly add it to mine. anyways, yea i love these things! its weird though how so how much of it is unrelated to what it does. the only ones that actually look like the art are those lil snakes, the ones that whistle, and a few fountains shaped like the pictured image (ie, the Tanks and those lil volcanoes)
Aries Aries is offline
skank pronger
Jul 6th, 2009, 03:21 PM
That one on the second page with the giant gorilla riding the Empire State Building rocket? Maybe that rocket is actually the building transformer from Big!!!
Dimnos Dimnos is offline
LOVES the tubal ligation!
Jul 6th, 2009, 03:56 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dungeonbrownies View Post
Yesh, moar =D but kinda one issue, i dont wanna be a dick about this... but enthused isnt a word. though if its in the pickledictionary, ill gladly add it to mine. anyways, yea i love these things! its weird though how so how much of it is unrelated to what it does. the only ones that actually look like the art are those lil snakes, the ones that whistle, and a few fountains shaped like the pictured image (ie, the Tanks and those lil volcanoes)
en⋅thuse  /ɛnˈθuz/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [en-thooz] Show IPA verb, -thused, -thus⋅ing.

Use enthused in a Sentence

–verb (used without object) 1.to be or become enthusiastic; show enthusiasm: All the neighbors enthused over the new baby.
–verb (used with object) 2.to cause to become enthusiastic.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/enthused

If dictionary.com isnt good enough for you here is the Merriam-Websters page on it.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/enthused
executioneer executioneer is offline
OH GOD
Jul 6th, 2009, 04:48 PM
edit: n/m didn't see dimnos' post FOR SOME REASON ;(
Tadao Tadao is offline
☆☆☆☆☆
Jul 6th, 2009, 04:50 PM
You know what isn't a word?

isnt
PolarisSLBM PolarisSLBM is offline
Forum Virgin
Jul 7th, 2009, 12:14 AM
Holy crap, the Great White firecrackers had me laughing uncontrollably. That's so hilariously wrong.
Cruxader Cruxader is offline
Doctor Caliente
Jul 7th, 2009, 12:41 PM
The Golliwog and Dixie Boy firecrackers are an NAACP lawsuit in the making if I've ever seen one. Good thing those were manufactured in China.
Dungeonbrownies Dungeonbrownies is offline
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Jul 8th, 2009, 05:36 AM
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dungeonbrownies View Post
Yesh, moar =D but kinda one issue, i dont wanna be a dick about this... but enthused isnt a word. though if its in the pickledictionary, ill gladly add it to mine. anyways, yea i love these things! its weird though how so how much of it is unrelated to what it does. the only ones that actually look like the art are those lil snakes, the ones that whistle, and a few fountains shaped like the pictured image (ie, the Tanks and those lil volcanoes)
en⋅thuse  /ɛnˈθuz/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [en-thooz] Show IPA verb, -thused, -thus⋅ing.

Use enthused in a Sentence

–verb (used without object) 1.to be or become enthusiastic; show enthusiasm: All the neighbors enthused over the new baby.
–verb (used with object) 2.to cause to become enthusiastic.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/enthused

If dictionary.com isnt good enough for you here is the Merriam-Websters page on it.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/enthused
Lol, k ill accept its use, but I just remember being told to never use it in Elements of Style because it wasnt a "real word." Im guessing i should quit studying from outdated texts =P
Colonel Flagg Colonel Flagg is offline
after enough bourbon ...
Jul 10th, 2009, 01:37 PM
I'm totally enthused over this update, -Rog-!

(Golden Shower? That totally belongs on engrish.com!)
testtube testtube is offline
Member
Jul 26th, 2009, 07:17 AM
timebomb has a massive package
mister buch mister buch is offline
Forum Virgin
Aug 31st, 2009, 06:35 AM
That is one odd looking unicorn.
rabid-penguin rabid-penguin is offline
Forum Virgin
Sep 4th, 2009, 06:42 PM
Just saw that "golden shower" one in a sweetbay this july. I would have NEVER expected to find one, but you can find any worth-crap fireworks in those pre-selected kits.
PreApocalyptica PreApocalyptica is offline
Bawbaruh
Jul 4th, 2011, 02:34 PM
The Warm Greeting ones absolutely mystify me.
PoGo PoGo is offline
The face of trapped wind.
Jul 5th, 2011, 12:54 AM
the warm greetings package scares me to the marrow. I do really enjoy the pissed eagle brand though. it makes me think of malt liquor for some weird reason. I think its the font.
k0k0 k0k0 is offline
The Glum Cunt
Jul 5th, 2011, 01:11 AM
I thoroughly enjoyed the neighbor hater one. We used to light a lot of shit on fire in our backyard and when our visiting friends would worry about the neighbors, we'd inform them that the neighbors were illegal immigrants so they aren't gonna call the cops.
executioneer executioneer is offline
OH GOD
Jul 5th, 2011, 03:59 AM
oh my god grumpy osama is my favourite
MeowMixMaster MeowMixMaster is offline
Cat Scratch Fever!
Jul 6th, 2011, 02:49 PM
Bought me a package of mortar rounds this year with two launchers appropriately labeled Zeus. The artwork on the launchers was too amazing for me to pass up so I got them. I'm a huge fan of those and Roman Candles, my all time favorite.

My wife saw the golden showers pic with me and said that would definitely belong in an adult novelty store though she and I would question the sanity of whoever decided to buy that.
DarkfireTaimatsu DarkfireTaimatsu is offline
Member
Jul 9th, 2011, 06:40 AM
The Mercurial Bee not only shoots flaming balls like those blondes and Uranus do, but it also reports. That is one serious warning right there.
Bucket Bucket is offline
Evil Penguin Queen
Jul 25th, 2011, 09:04 PM
The artwork on the box of the Party Snappers on page 2 looks suspiciously like Arale Norimaki from Akira Toriyama's Dr. Slump riding a pig. (Dr. Slump was the series that made him famous, then he made Dragon Ball, and then...)
sublimed4 sublimed4 is offline
Sublimed4
Sep 3rd, 2011, 02:53 PM
Nice labels! There are some funny ones and some with just great art. I came across some labels at an estate sale and don't know how to determine if they are originals or reprints. Any help would be much appreciated. The pic might be upside down but I haven't figured out how to rotate it. Hope the link works!
Blackdrazon Blackdrazon is offline
Forum Virgin
Jul 5th, 2012, 09:53 AM
That Danger Forward box is just a rip-off of an old Warhammer 40k cover, so... yeah, it already is a 360 game!
nirvana_infinity nirvana_infinity is offline
Forum Virgin
Jul 8th, 2012, 03:01 AM
Bah-ha! The 2nd 'Ladyfingers' label refers to the products as 'supercharged ladycrackers.' My god, ladies back in the day must have gotten excited easily!
Mockery Mockery is offline
Pickled Patriarch
Jul 4th, 2013, 04:14 PM
Just updated the article with a new sixth page chock full o' artwork! Enjoy!
Mr.Ghost Mr.Ghost is offline
soon to be internet icon
Jul 4th, 2013, 05:20 PM
These are all great, but the old timey ones are the best.
Mr.Ghost Mr.Ghost is offline
soon to be internet icon
Jul 4th, 2013, 05:24 PM
I wish I had a picture of the huge "Devil's Delight" firework, this was six in one. It was one of the best I had seen.
Lone Wanderer Lone Wanderer is offline
Member
Jul 5th, 2013, 01:39 AM
Seriously, WTF is up with "Attitude Adjustment"? It seems like many firework companies don't even try anymore and just use photoshop or stolen artwork.
shimwood shimwood is offline
Forum Virgin
Jul 6th, 2013, 11:12 AM
What better way to celebrate our independence from England than to depend on them for firecrackers. Astra must not have gotten the memo.
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