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I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide to the Halloween Candies of 2006! Halloween Candy!
by: -RoG-


Peeps Spooky Cats!

There are Peeps Pumpkins, Peeps Ghosts, and Peeps Bats... but for my money it doesn't get any better than the Peeps Spooky Cats. Maybe it's just because there aren't enough Halloween candies based on black cats. I'm guessing it's because the companies are scared that the bad luck of black cats crossing their paths, even in candy form, would have a negative effect on their sales. Cowards, I say. COWARDS! Perhaps you can even pick up another Peeps Decorating Kit and decorate your Spooky Cats just like we did with the ghosts last year! Sure, the gel might not show up too well on the cats, but that doesn't mean you can't kill off some other peeps with red gel and have the cats sitting next to them all innocent-like as if they had nothing to do with the grisly murder. Do it. And if you do it, take a photo and email it to me and I'll put it up on this page! And don't tell me you don't have the time. You're reading an article about Halloween candies for chrissakes... clearly you have the time.

out of 5 Cujo fangs

The Boo-ing Candy Kit!

Wow. No really... WOW. This one came from way outta left field. Allow me to explain. At some point, somebody at a meeting in the Hershey's executive board room brought up the idea of selling their Halloween candies in the same way that people send out chain letters. Yes, you read that right... chain letters. Whoever it was that came up with the idea had some serious balls.


So the bag comes stuffed with, yes you guessed it, THREE different little packs of candies - Hershey's Chocolate Ghosts, Reese's Pieces and Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins. Didn't believe me earlier about the suspicious "threes" did ya, but now even you are starting to question it. Good. GOOOOOOOOD!

The idea behind the Boo-ing kit is to fill one of the included "You Just Got Boo-ed!" orange plastic bags with some candy and a note (*cough*advertisement*cough*), then attach it to the foam white ghost and hang it on a neighbor's doorknob. Your neighbor is then supposed to buy some Boo-ing candy kits of his/her own in order to keep the chain unbroken. I swear I'm not making this shit up. Take a look:

Your neighbors will love this.

You just got Boo-ed? Boo unto others? Neigh-boo-hood? I don't know about you, but this sounds like a load of Boo-shit to me. You're basically paying money to give candy away to some neighbors, who in all likelihood you never even speak to, along with an advertisement for them to buy more candy so they can continue the boo-chain. And if they should break the boo-chain? Well clearly they'll burn in the deepest, darkest hell where all the guilty sinners who break chain letters go.

But hey, I already paid the cash, so I wasn't about to have the guilt on MY conscience. I left a "You Just Got Boo-ed!" packet hanging on my neighbor's doorknob, and I couldn't help but feel like it was saying "You Just Got Punk'd!" And in a way he did, because he was clearly just given a bag of bullshit, disguised as a free candy surprise. Well a few hours went by and the boo-gram was returned back to me with a different note:

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

Ah well, it's his loss. At least the guilt of breaking a chain letter will now forever remain with him. And me? Well, let's just say I've got myself a dandy new pair of foam ghost earrings. I give this thing a high score simply based on the tasty candies, the nifty foam ghost door hangers, and of course... the huge cojones it took to actually release this chain-letter candy kit.

out of 5 puzzle boxes

Limited Edition Tootsie Roll
Vanilla Flavored Midgees!


I know they don't look very Halloweenish, but they were right there on the shelves along with all the other seasonal Halloween candies. And maybe that was the company's plan all along, because these things stuck out like a sore thumb. I honestly thought somebody had accidentally put out the Christmas candy too early.

Well, like the package says, these Vanilla Flavored Tootsie Roll Midgees are only going to be out for a limited time. But that usually just translates to, "if enough of you people buy these things, we'll release them as one of our regular products." Doritos did it with their Black Pepper Jack flavored chips over a year ago and they're still around (probably because I've bought 50 bags of them by now).

Now I'm a huge fan of vanilla. I like it more than chocolate in most cases, but the vanilla flavoring of these Tootsie Rolls leaves something to be desired. Have you ever had a scoop of Breyers' Natural Vanilla Bean ice cream and then had a scoop of some generic "price saver" vanilla ice cream? Well these Tootsie Rolls taste like the cheap stuff, not Breyers. They're just ok at best, but I gotta go with the original chocolate Tootsie Rolls in this case. Sorry vanilla, my brain was rooting for you, but my taste buds still have a thing for your chocolate siblings.

Ok you got me; I really just bought these because I liked the name "Midgees".

out of 5 Uncle Festers

Spooky Projector Lollipops!

I really like these. Sure the lollipops taste good, especially the requisite blue raspberry, but this particular candy is all about the novelty that comes with it. Each one has a little figure that projects itself onto the wall in red. At 99 cents a piece, you wouldn't expect these things to look good, but they come out crystal clear. They were all out of the witch one while I was there, but I did manage to snag the spider and the "Boo" ghost. Once I get the witch, I'll have to act out some kind of theatrical play in the dark where she and the spider make fun of the ghost with the "Boo" tattoo. Then the ghost will proceed to tear them apart with a relentless fury that he's kept bottled up for years. After all, it wasn't his fault that he got drunk one night and his ghostly friends gave him a "Boo" tattoo while he was completely incapacitated. (For those of you unfamiliar with the spiritual world, getting the word "Boo" tattooed on your chest is like being teabagged.) For a total of 3 bucks, that's better entertainment than some $30 video games can provide you with these days.

On a side note, they also make a Batman version of these projector pops where you can project the Bat signal onto your wall. Whether Batman will actually see the signal and come save your ass, however, is something you'll have to find out on your own.

out of 5 full moons

Candy Coffins!
For the record, I want to be buried in candy when I die.

Now here are two novelty candies that could pique just about anyone's curiosity. And let's be honest here, even if the candies in these coffins happen to suck, at least you get a toy and/or Halloween decoration out of it, right? Right.


The Wicked Coffin Candy Digs instantly gets my vote between the two coffins simply because of how good it looks. The dirt candy that the skeleton is buried in actually looks like dirt/gravel to some extent. Furthermore, that dirt actually tastes exactly like rock candy, and I've always loved rock candy. The only thing they could've improved on is the big spoon you use to scoop up the stuff; it's too big to get a decent portion out of the coffin and you can't move the skeleton aside. So, your best bet is to just lose the spoon and dump the rock candy straight into your mouth. Besides, anybody who lifts up a coffin and empties its contents into their mouth is a total badass. And you do want to be a badass, don't you?

out of 5 Wolfman Jacks (for the Wicked Coffin)

The Rattlin' Candy Coffin has quite a few flaws. First off, when you try to unwrap it, the plastic is sealed on so tightly that you simply can't remove it all. I swear, they must've super-glued that shit onto the edges. Another big no-no is how little candy you actually get. Look at this thing, you'd assume you get an entire coffin filled with candy, right? WRONG. That little bit of candy in the top is all you actually get. The rest of the coffin is reserved for the mechanics of the rattlin' skeleton. Pretty bad.

The fruity sugar candies in this one were pretty good (though I would've prefered some Tart 'n Tinys instead), but since they give you so few, you just feel cheated. So yeah, it's a rip-off all around because you hardly get any candy and the toy looks bad due to the inability to peel off all of the plastic wrap. But what about the actual scary rattlin' skeleton?

Click on the above pic to watch the
Rattlin' Candy Coffin in action!

Well, I'd be happier with him if he came with both legs and both arms, instead of just one of each, but at least it didn't send the few candies I had flying all over the place like I was expecting. I tried it several other times and only one candy fell out, so I guess that's not too bad. Still, I can't look past the fact that this thing basically deceives you with how much candy you think you're getting. I suppose that's what I get for trusting a skeleton... not an honest bone in his entire body.

out of 5 Zombie heads (for the Rattlin' Coffin)

Big Stuff Lip Pops & Wack-O-Wax Lips!

You can never go wrong with a classic like wax lips. NEVER. They'll never let you down, they'll never look bad, and most importantly: they're cheap & tasty.


First up is the original style Wack-O-Wax Lips. These ones usually come in two varieties, ones with fangs and ones with no teeth exposed whatsoever. Personally, I always go for the fanged ones. Since I put my teeth through hell with all these candies I eat during Halloween, it's nice to be able to show off a pair of pearly whites for a little while... even if they are made of wax. And let's not forget about the stickers they come with.


The other fangs on the market now are the Big Stuff Lip Pops. These ones are cool in that they work more like a pacifier. You get a funky looking set of lips on the outside, while you get to enjoy a delicious blue raspberry lollipop behind the scenes. Re and I are both in agreement; if we really looked like this, we'd be king and queen of the fashion industry by now. Anybody know a good plastic surgeon who can make this happen? I've always wanted a set of sexy green lips. Kiss me, I'm Irish.

out of 5 hungry piranhas

Wicked Chemistry!
It's not just chemistry... it's WICKED chemistry

Since this product was from the same people who made the Wicked Coffin Candy Dig, I figured it would be fairly tasty - even if the concept did sound a bit odd. With this one, you pour a one of the candy mixtures into your Halloween test tube and then fill it with water. After that, you pour in the other mixture, watch the colors change, and then gulp it down.

How... watery.

At first, it's a pinkish color, but when you add the 2nd mixture, it turns bright orange like MAGIC! Ok, so a liquid changing colors hasn't been impressive since I saw it happen on an episode of Mr. Wizard when I was a kid, but at least the stuff will taste good, right? Nope. It's an extremely-watered down orange flavored drink. Maybe if you added some Tang to it, the stuff would taste better, but as it stands, I found myself dumping out the rest rather than finishing it off. But hey, you can probably get your money back, and then some, by selling off those little baggies of candy mixture on a street corner to some gullible kids. Trick or treat, suckers.

out of 5 pumpkin carving tools

Count Wonkula Bloodberry Donutz!

I have seen godliness in a candy, and it looked like a donut. My friends, my compadres, my sugar-high soul mates... THIS is my choice for the greatest Halloween treat of 2006 so far. So simple and yet so perfect. Just look at it...


It's a candy donut that bleeds. A GODDAMNED CANDY DONUT THAT BLEEDS!!!

I mean really, can you even imagine the pitch meeting for this thing?

Oompa Loompa: Boss! I've got this great idea! You're gonna love it!

Willy Wonka
: There's no earthly way of knowing... which direction we are going.

Oompa Loompa
: Yeah, yeah, yeah... fiddle-e-dee, fiddle-e-doo... we've all heard your creepy-assed rowboat monologue before.

Willy Wonka
: Fine, what's this idea of yours then?

Oompa Loompa
: It's one of our chocolate donut candies made especially for Halloween!

Willy Wonka
: Ok, what's so special about it?

Oompa Loompa
: It bleeds!

Willy Wonka
: Are you trying to tell me that you want us to sell a bleeding chocolate candy donut this Halloween?

Oompa Loompa
: Yep!

Willy Wonka
: BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!

I'm starting to believe that there really are Oompa Loompas working at Wonka candies; there's simply no human out there who could come up with a fantastic idea such as a Halloween-exclusive bleeding chocolate candy donut... with sprinkles. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention this thing is delicious? Well it is. But really, I'm too distracted by the fact that I'm staring at a chocolate candy donut... and... it... is... BLEEDING.

out of 5 vampire bats

Lollipop Masks!
A fast way to get kicked out of any masquerade party

Holy sweet bastard, will you look at these things? Giant friggin' lollipops that double as Halloween masquerade masks. Now before you piss in your Underoos with childish glee, allow me to point a few things out about these lolli-masks.

First off, out of the 20 or so that were on display in the Halloween shop, these were the ONLY two that were not almost completely destroyed. So yeah, don't think you can go running around the yard like a whirling dervish and expect these masks to remain intact. They're clearly fragile as hell.

Another thing is the sticker label.

Bright idea, pal.

Can somebody tell me why you would want to lick the side of the lollipop that you were going to wear on your face? I can understand an infant doing something that asinine, but anybody with a partially developed noggin' should have the wits to know that this isn't a bright idea. And yet here they are... promoting that you do that very exact stupid thing right on the front of the box. Super duper!

Oh yeah, those look GREAAAAAT.

Question: is it possible to look any less scary or any more ridiculous?
Answer: NO.

It just doesn't get much worse than that. Still, if you like the idea of pressing a giant, saliva-covered lollipop up against your face... be my guest! Personally, there's no kind of lollipop in existence that I would want to lick for that long. You've gotta be realistic about it; these things would take forever to finish eating. And call me crazy, but somehow I doubt you would want to hold something up to your face that you've been licking for the past couple of weeks, let alone continue eating it. Then again, maybe the masks actually WOULD look scary by that point.

out of 5 grim reapers

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