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I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide to the Halloween Candies of 2007! Halloween Candy!
by: -RoG-

if you haven't read pages 1 & 2 of our
Halloween Candies yet, click here!

Hallo Mallo!
I make a good pillow! Say, haven't EYE seen you before?

I really, REALLY like the packaging on this these Hallo Mallow candies. So much so that it was honestly hard to open the thing up. You kind of just want to leave it stuffed with those marshmallows and use it as a pillow. But alas, there's only one way to test these things out, so I opened 'em and quickly discovered that they're exactly the same as the Oozing Eyeballs from page 1. The only difference with the Hallo Mallows is that there's no flavor variety, all of them have a strawberry filling, whereas you get raspberry, lemon and strawberry with the Oozing Eyeballs. So if packaging is all you care about, you could do a lot worse than the Hallo Mallow pumpkin pack, but if candy variety is what you're looking for, I suggest checking elsewhere.

out of 5 bloody chainsaws

Giant Gummy Creatures!
All rats should be blue.

While the Hallo Mallo candy packages were hard to open, these Giant Gummy Creatures from Flix Candy were even harder to bite into. Just look at them... they look like big colorful rubber Halloween toys. Who in their right mind would want to ruin them by taking big bites out of 'em? A gluttonous bastard, that's who.


Ok, so the "Yikes Spiders!", "Oh Rats!" and "Eeek Bats!" I can understand as being associated with Halloween, but what about the "Got Gecko?" one? I can think of many other creatures that are scarier and more threatening than Geckos. Snakes, scorpions, beetles, hell even bunny rabbits are scarier (you wouldn't argue that last point with me if you had seen Night of the Lepus). Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that they included the Gecko as he's one of the best looking ones of the bunch (and rumor has it, he can help save you a lot of money on your car insurance), I just thought it was a bit odd that he was included with this batch o' Halloweeny creatures. As far as the flavor of these things go, they're not bad, but I've always felt that most large gummy candies tend to taste a bit like plastic. Perhaps it's all in my head, but everyone else that ever tries big gummy candies like these seems to agree with me. Buy 'em for how good they look, not for the flavor.

Spread thy wings!

If I had to pick one, the bat would have to be my favorite of the lot simply because it can actually spread out its wings so far that they had to fold them up underneath its body just so it would fit inside of the package. It's also the best tasting one of the bunch, so that's another plus for ol' batsy.

out of 5 Phantasm Sentinel Spheres

The Peanuts Candy Bracelets!
The Great Pumpkin will come here because I have the most sincere pumpkin patch and he respects sincerity.

These are just as good as your average candy necklace, but with the addition of little Snoopy and Woodstock charms on the end of 'em. Just don't let the Red Baron catch you off guard while you're chowin' down on these things. It's nice they added some scenery from "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" on the package, though I don't recall Charlie Brown wearing a pirate hat in the story, he wore the ghost sheet with too many holes in it. I definitely would've liked to see some more of those characters on the candies themselves instead them being just Snoopy 'n Woodstock. But I guess we can't expect much variety when it comes to simple things like candy necklaces and bracelets... it's not like you're buying 'em from Schwarzschild Jewelers or something. But hey, I'd take these over that cubic zirconium shit any day, wouldn't you?

out of 5 Gremlins.

Ghost Dots!
Who killed the dots?

Sure they look awesome, but I'll be honest, I've never liked how Dots tasted and the new spectral colors haven't changed that at all. They should at least make these things glow-in-the-dark so you can decorate your haunted house with them, because you definitely don't wanna eat 'em. Actually, if a candy could actually glow-in-the-dark, I imagine it would cause some kind of cancer. The very existence Ghost Dots also makes us ask questions such as "Who killed the Dots and made them ghosts in the first place?" or "If Dots can die, then what is the life expectancy of the average Dot?" or "Does eating a Dot cause it to become a ghost, or does it cause you to become a ghost?" So many questions that will surely go unanswered forever.

As if those questions aren't enough, the flavor of the Dots is a mystery too as the package practically laughs in our faces: "Which flavor? Which ghost? IT'S A MYSTERY!" Yep, each of the Dots is a "mystery" flavor for you to uncover. The real mystery for me was how I could possibly stomach eating any more of these things. Well at least the one thing they've got going for them is that they're adorable as hell. I mean, just look at those Ghost Dots on the package. They're... so... goddamned... happy.

All I can say is this:


They seriously need to put out some Ghost Dots plush toys next Halloween.
I may not like the candies, but I'd be allllllll over that in a heartbeat.

out of 5 floating eyeballs

Gooey Yummy Gummy Bugs!
Oh so pretty, yet oh so tasty! Damnit, there are some choices one should never have to make...

If you fantasize about eating beetles and grubs that basically cover the full spectrum of a rainbow, then these new Gummy Bugs are probably right up your alley. These bugs are extremely detailed and colorful, and believe it or not, they actually smell and taste good.  Believe me, I know how unusual this is, because in my experience, the more artistic a gummy candy looks, the worse it usually tastes. So these really do create a dilemma for all us trick-or-treaters... do we preserve the artistry or do we consume these tasty lil' buggers like there's no tomorrow? In my case, I have two boxes of 'em, so I don't have to agonize over such difficult choices and I suggest you do the same. Yes, you can have your cake (or bug) and eat it too.

out of 5 Freddy gloves

Brach's Autumn Mix!
Viva Variety!

Some people are just satisfied with regular ol' candy corn, while others swear by the Indian candy corns that have just a little bit o' cocoa flavoring mixed in with 'em. But for me, it simply doesn't get any better than the Mallowcreme Pumpkins as I'm sure you noticed last year when I finished the bag off before I even had a chance to take a photo of them for my review. But Brach's Autumn Mix bag is a great classic for those who want a lil' of each especially the Indian candy corns which are a bit harder to find in individual packages these days for some reason. Yes, I'd prefer a bag of nothing but Mallowcreme Pumpkins over the mixed one, but at least I was able to take a photo of this bag before finishing off its contents, so be thankful for that.

out of 5 Frankensteins

Mad Lab Beakers
With Shrunken Head Candy
All the Voodoo tastiness you could ever want in a convenient little beaker

These were one of the first new candies to catch my eye when I was checking out all the Halloween goodies for sale at Target. What can I say, I'm simply a sucker for cool packaging, and what could be cooler than a beaker (complete with stopper) for the mad scientist in you? I'll tell you what: a beaker filled with shrunken heads and bones for you to eat! What's more, these things are actually pretty damned delicious if you ask me. They're somewhere in between the flavor of Sweet Tarts and candy necklaces, but even if you don't like how the candy tastes, you still end up with a beaker when it's all said 'n done. And honestly, you can't have enough beakers in your life. Just ask Doctor Bunsen.

out of 5 Uncle Festers

Oh but there's more!

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