time again. Your teeth have just finished recovering from the sugar
overload of last Halloween and you're ready to torture them again, right?
Well look no further my friends, for I have been collecting a ton o'
Halloween candies to show you again this season so you can cut out all the
guesswork and go straight for the good stuff! There are nearly
40 varieties reviewed here, so you're bound to find something
you like! You won't find a more comprehensive candy listing anywhere else
and what my taste buds say is LAW, so you had better listen to 'em.
All of the candies featured here are rated on a 1-5 scale: 1 being
worse than a vampire draining all of the blood from your body, and 5
being better than a vampire draining all of the cancer from your body and
turning you into a super-human who can lay golden eggs worth waaaay more
than any of that cheapo Fabergé stuff.
the process of collecting all of these candies has been both wonderful and
awful; on one hand I got to eat some of the most delicious candies being
offered up for the 2007 Halloween season. On the other hand, I got to eat
some of the most horrid excuses for candies being offered up for the 2007
Halloween season too. But hey, my tooth loss is your... tooth gain? Well, it
sounds good at least. Also, I must remind all of you to check out our
2006 Ultimate Halloween Candy Guide because many of those candies
are available again this year! With that in mind, let us begin
the tooth-rotting goodness of I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide to the
Halloween Candies of 2007!
Here's a new
concept in the candy scene, a container of candy that's actually more
difficult for kids to get into than a childproof medicine bottle. The
Pumpkin Decoder is basically a little plastic puzzle consisting of five
pieces - all of which must be matched up perfectly for you to be able to
open the pumpkin.
it's not too hard to figure out how the face of a jack-o-lantern should
match up, especially since it comes preset for you behind some tape.
Actually, it looks like it's just gotten back from a facelift and those
are its spoooky post-op bandages. Ooooo! As easy as putting it
together would seem, it's not made all that well, because if you're just
the slightest bit off, it simply won't budge. When you consider how
difficult it can be to pop the top off of this thing, you'd think the
Pumpkin Decoder candies would taste like golden morsels of sugary glee
from the heavens, but no... they're more akin to the flavor of Necco
Wafers with extra food dye.
out of 5 pumpkin carving tools
Slithering Snake Suckers!
bought this thing, I thought it was just a long gummy snake, but it's
actually a big-assed solid lollipop. What's funny is that the packaging
comes with a "Snake Devour Gauge" which is basically a chart
telling you how much of the snake you should have in your belly by a
certain time of day. In other words, they expect you to eat this behemoth
by dusk! That's like telling me to eat my car within the next month. It's
just one of those things that's not gonna happen... no matter how good it
tastes. The package also claims that the snakes flavor is a "tasty
tongue twister" but there's really no mystery to it. I knew this thing
was gonna be orange flavored just by looking at it; there was no need to
use the flavor key
on the back of the package. But hey, it's the thought that counts, right?
And speaking of nice thoughts, they intentionally wrapped the entire snake
in some cellophane so your hands don't get sticky while eating it. A tasty
orange flavor, non-sticky hands and a big-assed snake. Not too shabby!
out of 5 Wolfman Jacks
Orange Twist & Glow Pop!
No, I'm not
on an orange-flavor kick, it just so happens that orange is one of the
official colors of Halloween and therefore you'll see a lot of candies
using it. So this "Gleamin' Orange Twist & Glow Pop" seemed like an
interesting enough idea. Sure, Haloween candies that light up are nothing
new, what with the
light-up candy necklaces from last year and what have you, but up
until now I had never seen one that you could wear on your finger like a
Unfortunately, the light inside this thing isn't a permanent one. Even
worse, it's not a battery-powered one either... it's just a little
glowstick that barely gives off any light. That photo you see up there is
after I brightened it up in Photoshop since it barely even showed up on
the picture we took. While it's slightly amusing having a swollen, barely
illuminated middle finger to use on people who don't appreciate the finer
things in life like Halloween, this lollipop is honestly not worth your
time. It has a nasty bland orange flavor that's reminiscent bland flavor
grandma's pocket for far too long. No thanks.
out of 5
official 2007 Halloween candy tester helper / rock star) found these
spiffy Oozing Eyeballs at her local dollar store. With the cheesy blood
splatters and bright colors, I loved the packaging immediately, but
still... can you really expect much for something you spent a buck on? The
answer is a surprising YES. First off, when you remove these things
from their individual packages, they look a lot like those mini powdered
sugar donuts (minus the holes), so I guess if you're expecting them to
taste like those they'd be a bit disappointing.
Now when it
comes to marshmallows, I'm not a huge fan of eating them as is. I think
they generally need to be combined with something else... cereal, hot
chocolate, and of course s'mores. It looks like the people who made these
agreed with this and decided to fill 'em with some sweet candy goo.
Raspberry, strawberry and lemon... whatever candy goo center flavor you
choose, you'll be surprised at just how good these things taste. A bag of
tasty eyeballs that you can pop like a zit for a dollar? I doubt your
local mortician could even beat that deal...
out of 5 Kiefer vampires
Peppermint Pattie Pumpkins!
a bit biased when it comes to York Peppermint Patties. They're just one of
those candies that are so perfect and refreshing, I could eat them in a
bowl of milk for breakfast every day. Say, that's actually not a bad idea.
Well anyway, the York folks decided to get into the Halloween spirit this
year by churning out some pumpkin-shaped patties and even changed the
color of the filling from white to orange. Don't worry, it's still the
same peppermint pattie flavor we've all grown to love over the years and
it'll give you a nice little chill before you head out into the cold night
come this Halloween. If nothing else, you can reenact one of those "York
sensation" commercials of theirs...
bite into a York Peppermint Pattie Pumpkin, I get a sensation as if I'm a
warlock, flying high in the sky and stabbing the clouds so that they rain
blood on all the scared children down on earth. Having experienced such a
severe childhood trauma, they'll all be destined to become homicidal
maniacs later in life because all they see is blood, Blood, BLOOOOOOOOOOD!"
out of 5 hungry piranhas
Fruit Roll-Ups &
Fruit By The Foot Boomberry Punch!
admittedly "Fruit Roll-Ups" and "Fruit By The Foot" aren't thought of as
candy by most people, but consider the the following: 1) they're
sweet as most candies if not sweeter, 2) they're stocked in the
candy aisles at most stores this Halloween 3) they come in
individually wrapped mini packs and 4) they're covered in some
Halloweeny decorations. I'd say it's safe to let 'em slip on by our
non-candy radars... and why not? They taste better than most of the
generic gummy fruit candies out there that you get on Halloween anyway, so
it's worth giving 'em a shot. It's not like when somebody tries to give
you an apple on Halloween.
As you can
see, the Fruit By The Foot strips have a spider web pattern on 'em but
it's actually not easy to see at all, especially when you try looking at
it on top of the wax paper. The new "Boomberry Punch" flavor tastes just
like your typical cup o' fruit punch... pretty tasty if you ask me. At the
very least, it has much better taste than the lame jokes printed on the
wax paper. As much as I like the new Boomberry Punch flavor, I gotta go
with the "Strawberry Craze" Fruit Roll-Ups as the better of the two. Aside
from the flavor being my favorite, you can easily see the black pumpkins
and bats printed directly on each one... and really, who doesn't
appreciate the opportunity to eat food with stuff printed on it?
out of 5 bed sheet ghosts
Tricky Kitty &
Midlon's Tricky Kitty!
Galerie's Tricky Kitty. This damned thing was the bane of my Halloween
candy shopping spree this season. Why? Because it has an incredibly
annoying meow that was triggered by the slightest movement. So, while I
was driving around town from shop to shop in search of more candies, this
thing kept on meowing at random intervals no matter how I tried padding
the bag. Good times, good times...
"trick" is that it poops out candies into a little plastic trick-or-treat
bag for you to eat. The candies themselves are very fruity and not bad at
all, but the people at Galerie made the mistake of creating these cats so
they could be emptied without the package even being opened. Yep, most of
the cats in the store had very few candies left in them because anybody
could walk on by, give it a tap and make it crap out some free candies. So
great, I was left with a cat that barely had any candy and had a meow that
annoyed the hell out of me. Nice "trick" there, kitty.
on the above pic to watch
the Galerie Tricky Kitty in action!
out of 5 Creatures from the Black Lagoon for the Galerie Tricky Kitty
Kitty by Midlon is a different story. This one you've probably all seen
before in some shape or form because they have a variety of them for the
different holidays and even some regular cats in the off season.
As you can
see, Midlon didn't make the glaring mistake of allowing people to get to
the candies without having to open the package first. Granted they don't
give you a ton, but at least you know you'll be getting something.
The cat also doesn't meow at all, not even when you rip it's head off
(something that I honestly wanted to do to the Galerie one instead, and
probably should've). I also gotta say the jelly beans this thing comes
with are really good. You get two flavors: Cola and Butterscotch. I like
they they only give you brown jellybeans too. Unlike Galerie, the people
from Midlon clearly wanted to make a bold statement with their cat poop.
BOLD. And lemme tell ya, it's easily some of the most scrumptious
cat poop I've ever had. Wow, that's definitely a sentence I probably won't
have the opportunity to repeat ever again in my life. The only place the
cat loses points is with its posterior problems. Yep, the ol' poop chute
on it seems to be in need of an enema because the jelly beans often get
stuck when you try to get 'em out. Somebody give that kitty a laxative,
on the above pic to watch
the Midlon Tricky Kitty in action!
out of 5 Jason Voorhees hockey masks for the Midlon Tricky Kitty
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