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I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide to the Halloween Candies of 2007! Halloween Candy!
by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED
if you haven't read pages 1-4 of our
Halloween Candies yet, click here!

Strawberry Swirl Skeleton Pop!
Bones... gotta catch 'em all!

From the creators of Pop Rocks comes this new Strawberry Swirl Skeleton Pop which plays on the idea that if you make something collectible, the completionists out there will have no choice but to buy it. There are 7 body parts in total for you to collect in order to make a full skeleton. I really like this idea and I hope they'll do this more in the future, possibly with other creatures instead of just human skeletons.

The lollipop portion of each piece isn't much to write home about though, which is unfortunate since you actually have to eat it in order to be able to connect that part of the skeleton to the rest of the body. Well either that or you can just take a hammer to the lollipop portion. The skeleton itself rocks... if you can find all the pieces, that is. Coming in at 20 inches, it's definitely not a cheap little skeleton, and at well over a buck per piece, it can be a bit costly to complete the thing which you could obviously get for much cheaper if you just wanted to buy a toy skeleton. But the temptation to complete this thing has been too great, and as soon as I find another arm and the correct leg, I will surely be a god among men. Until then, I'm stuck with this:

Ok, so he's not a perfect skeleton, what with his missing a left arm and having two left legs 'n all... but damnit he still stands proud, you hear me? HE STANDS PROUD!

out of 5 hearses


Jolly Rancher Creepy Pops!
So creepy that you have no choice to eat them so you'll never have to look at them again!

If you've tasted Jolly Ranchers before, then you've tasted these, but that doesn't make 'em any less cool. Aside from the nice packaging (complete with eyeballs in the logo which is always a plus) the pops themselves are named "Eerie Apple", "Ghastly Grape", "Wacky Watermelon" and "Spooky Blue Raspberry". They also come in several new shapes - a vampire, a pumpkin, a skull and a ghost. Last year they released similar creepy pops but the grape flavor wasn't included and they looked a bit goofier. Keep up the good work ranchers... and we'll stay jolly.

out of 5 Chucky doll heads


Lindt's Lindor Truffles!
Pardon me sir, but do you have any Grey Poupon? No? How about some Halloween Truffles?

Now here's an extremely rich milk chocolate truffle in fancy foil pumpkin wrapping. The outer shell is solid but the inside is very smooth. Really good stuff, but definitely hard to eat more than one at a time. I also feel like I should be wearing a tuxedo and a monocle when eating these. Truffles just sound to distinguished to be consumed by a guy who was just wearing plastic glasses that came with bone candies not long ago, don't they? Then again, perhaps what they're trying to do with these Halloween truffles. They want to tear down those social class barriers and bringing equality to us all! Ok, that's clearly a complete load of crap since all they wanted to do was make some tasty milk chocolate truffles, but these are the things one tends to imagine in his head when he's been eating nothing but sugar all week long.

out of 5 haunted houses


The Sun!
DAMN YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUU!!!!

I'm sure you're wondering why I'm reviewing the sun. Well it's because it had the flaming audacity to destroy my Halloween candy. And not just any candy, the reigning champion of all Halloween candies for the past two years in my book. That's right, it melted my Count Wonkula Bloodberry Donutz! Last year I reviewed this amazing bleeding donut candy and ate far too many of them than I'd like to admit. But this year? It's almost mid-October and I still haven't enjoyed one. They melted in the car thanks to that bastard sun up in the sky, and not even my freezer could save them. My beautiful bloody donuts were ruined. Indeed the damage was done, and as a result, I will forever hate the sun.

out of 5 crazy Jacks (for the sun, and that's being extremely generous)

out of 5 crazy Jacks (for the Bloodberry Donutz - they still rule.)


Snickers Creme Pumpkin!
This pumpkin needs a better vertical hold :o

We all saw the Snickers Pumpkins from last year as they came in the nice little 4-pack gift set. While those still exist this year, they've also put out these new Snickers Creme Pumpkins. Other than appearing to be stretched out vertically, they look basically the same, but the inside is what's surprising. I figured these would be filled with marshmallow or something, but they're not. They still have peanuts inside, but I swear they taste almost exactly like Baby Ruth candy bars... which is perfectly fine by me, because I dig Baby Ruths too. But what exactly does that have to do with the "creme" in the name?

out of 5 witch hats


The Mad Lab Frog Dissection Kit!
I think it CROAKED. Get it? LOL :(

Good god, this is one HUGE ass piece of gummy candy! I'm pretty sure the weight of it alone could kill a person if you threw it at them... if nothing else, it'd crack a few ribs. This is definitely one of those things you don't expect to see when checking out the latest Halloween candies. Plus, you gotta love how it plays on the average person's nausea when it comes to dissecting frogs. Sure, the Japanese scientists already figured a way around that with their new translucent frog creations, but we does that matter to us trick-or-treaters? We're here for the candy experience, not the real frog. As part of Target's new Edgar & Ellen product line, the Mad Lab Frog Dissection Kit comes with a scalpel and tweezers for you to get to the guts of your specimen. At first, I thought there was no way the plastic scalpel would have any chance at cutting this titan toad open, but it's actually quite easy to just make a big vertical slash down the middle of its back if you apply just a little pressure. Once you do that, you can stick your tweezers into the opening and pull out its guts... which are actually gummy flies. Sure, I would've preferred some gummy organs, but having flies in it is pretty amusing too. Nothing about the gummy frog or the flies are that memorable in the taste department, but come on... this is one hell of a cool idea for a Halloween candy and I think creativity like that goes a long way. Next year, I say they put out a gummy Mad Lab Human Autopsy Kit™. (That trademark means they have to pay me $3.00 for every one they sell since it was my idea. I worked out this logic in my head and I'm pretty sure it's legally airtight. Yep.)

out of 5 maggots


Dizzy Monster Pops!
Please don't spin us! We're already nauseous!

As far as flavor goes, they taste just like your average lollipops, but these monsters are way, way, WAY better than average lollipops. I don't know who the genius was, but somebody clearly is in touch with the minds of kids and Halloween fanatics alike. Think about it... who wouldn't want to own a severed monster head that you can torture by spinning around to your heart's content? And just look at those faces! A pumpkin, a crazy green/turquoise skull and the Frankenstein monster! You know something? I wonder just how these guys feel about being spun around. Let's ask 'em, shall we?

Click me to watch my video!
Click the above image to see a video about how
these 3 monsters feel about being spun around!

out of 5 black widow spiders


And there you have it! We made it through another gigantic batch o' candy without keeling over! Huzzah! But don't think you've escaped a sugary delivery into Death's arms just yet, for I'll still be on the lookout for more Halloween candies up until October 31st once again, and if I find any more treats worth writing about, I'll add another page to this article. If you see any new Halloween candies that I have yet to cover, be sure to drop me a line and let me know! Thanks again to Shannon for helping out this year! And don't forget a LOT of the candies from last year are still available this season, so be sure to check out I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide to the Halloween Candies of 2006 as well so you don't miss out on anything!

Thanks again for reading! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a sudden craving for insulin.

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
Email -RoG-

Click here to return back to page 1 of the 2007 Halloween Candy Guide.


Be sure to check out:


I-MOCKERY'S ULTIMATE GUIDE TO
THE HALLOWEEN CANDIES OF 2006!

and

Also, be sure to check this article from two years ago which
covers a bunch of the 2005 Halloween candies!


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