by: -RoG-

So you survived Halloween last year. What... you think that makes you a superhero or something? The only reason you even survived it is because I showed you the original Halloween Safety film from 1977. But times they are a changin'. It's getting crazier and crazier out there come Halloween every October, and you need to be prepared for the absolute worst. One minute, you're walking around with a bag full of delicious candies, the next you're stuffed into the back of some psychopath's trunk and being driven off to a remote place where he plans to gut you, fill your corpse with candies, and then beat you like a bloody Halloween piñata.

Suddently you're not feeling so cocky about surviving last year, eh? Yeah, that's what I thought. Lucky for you, I have the updated sequel to Halloween Safety. Yep, the first one was so helpful that they decided to make a sequel almost ten years later. So let's take a look at the 1985 "Halloween Safety: Second Edition" educational film by Centron. It just may help you make it back home in one piece this Halloween.

It all starts out with some vintage Halloween masks floating in the air to funky disco music, and pretty much everybody knows that safety and disco go hand in hand. We also see some footage of trick-or-treaters wandering around outside. It's odd, no matter how innocent costumes were back in the day, they still managed to look 50 times creepier than the finest artistic masks you'll find on the market these days. Something about those thin Ben Cooper style masks is just downright disturbing. Even Casper the friendly ghost looks sinister as hell.

As the disco music fades away, we're brought the the front steps of a house in suburbia on Halloween where a pumpkin begins to talk to us about what a special time of year it is. It's a real pumpkin at first glance, but then it quickly turns into an animated one. Turns out, this jack-o-lantern is going to be our narrator throughout this Halloween safety video. And who better to teach us about Halloween safety than an animated pumpkin, I ask you! Who better? He goes on to speak about all the fun that can be had during Halloween and how scary all the costumes are, but then he turns a bit more serious and tells us about his safety concerns. "I also worry a little bit about the things that can spoil the fun of Halloween. Those kinds of things scare me too, but in a different way." Tell us more, Mr. Pumpkin... tell us more!

We're taken next door for a sneak peak into the lives of Corey and her father who are getting ready to begin their Halloween celebrations by carving a pumpkin. Our narrator tells us about how you need ot have the proper tools to carve a pumpkin and that you also need to draw a face on it first. While Corey begins working on the pumpkin, I can't help but find it a bit odd having a pumpkin narrator instructing us on how to properly carve a pumpkin. It's like those ads in the food industry when you see a pig cutting itself open and licking his lips because boy oh boy, does he ever love himself some tasty bacon! Maybe this pumpkin narrator who hates his own species isn't the best person to be instructing us on the virtues of Halloween safety?

After seeing the face his daughter drew on the pumpkin, Corey's father wisely decides to cut the pumpkin top off himself so she doesn't accidentally cut herself. She then pops the top off and let's out a nice childish "eeewwwww!" upon seeing the innards of her pumpkin.

So they pick up their big spoons and start scooping out the guts of the pumpkin. No big deal there right? Well it wouldn't be a big deal, but our narrating pumpkin just had to chime in with a comment of his own. Not just any comment, mind you... a comment that no narrator should ever make: "Getting my insides scooped out tickles me!" What. The. Fuck??? He doesn't even explain why, he just says that it would tickle you too if you were a pumpkin. This narrator is really starting to sound like some kind of self-loathing freak who enjoys cutting himself. Even more amazing is that after making this comment, he goes right back into giving his safety instructions, as if that previous comment had never even left his mouth. Yep, he just tells us that after gutting a pumpkin, you should wash your hands before cutting out the face. Wouldn't want that knife to slip, right? Oh I'm sure you wouldn't mind that knife slipping at all, now would you Mr. Pumpkin? Do the cuts release all the pain inside, Mr. Pumpkin? Seriously man, get some help.

Also, what's up with Corey's hands? Did she assist some woman in giving labor when I wasn't watching, because it looks her hands are covered in afterbirth. I've carved 'n gutted plenty o' pumpkins in my day, and my hands never ended up that messy. After all, she was scooping out all the insides with a big spoon and not her bare hands.

He then goes on to instruct you about how to carve the face of your jack-o-lantern by making small cuts and always cutting away from yourself. Maybe you should take some of your own advice, hmm Mr. Pumpkin?

Next, Mr. Pumpkin tells us that you shouldn't keep a pumpkin with a lit candle inside of it on a wooden porch since it could be a fire hazard. Fair enough, but was it really necessary to tell all of us to keep away from lit candles in general? Jesus... he should've just shouted "FIRE HOT! FIRE BAAAAAAD!" if he thought we were all that friggin' stupid.

Ok, let's move on to the next house to see what other dangers to our safety we may encounter this Halloween.

Across the street lives Jeremy and Jessica, and they're getting ready for a funtastic night of trick-or-treating adventures. For a young kid, jeremy has constructed himself a hell of a nice robot costume, covered in the finest tinfoil money can buy. Unfortunately, Jeremey can't see much at all when he's wearing the robot head, so that's definitely gonna cause him some trouble if he doesn't do something about it. But that's not the only problem with the costume.

Jeremy used long tubes for the legs, and while it makes him walk nice 'n stiff like Frankenstein's monster (or a robot) would, it's not very natural for a kid like him. Mr. Pumpkin then makes some more ridiculously obvious statements such as, "Sidewalks hurt when you fall down on them." It's unfortunate too, because he really does look awesome when he walks around all stiff-legged like that. What's really unfortunate, however, is the solution they come up with to solve his inability to bend at the knees.

Yes my friends... your eyes aren't fooling you. They actually cut out the knees and had him wear baby blue leg warmers underneath! He's just been turned into the robotic Olivia Newton John. Come on Jeremy, let's get physical! What Mr. Pumpkin isn't considering here is the new safety issue that arises when a kid does something like that to his costume. If any other kids see him wearing those baby blue leg warmers, ol' Jeremy here is probably going to get the crap kicked out of his shiny little robotic ass. And whaddaya know, they just cut open a big hole on his face so he can see easier too. It's a hole big enough for a fist to punch through once the neighborhood bully notices those leg warmers. Good thinking, Mr. Pumpkin!

There are still many more important
Halloween Safety rules for you to learn about!
Click here to continue onward to page 2!