by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

Now we cut to Linnea in the kitchen with a giant, heaping bowl of popcorn. "All work and no play isn't any fun, so I invited a few friends over for a slumber party!" Soon we're in the living room where her friends (Bambi, Missy, Dee Dee and Ginger) are all in their nighties, checking out some horror movie VHS tapes while others engage in a pillow fight. Studded bras, perverted phone calls, graveyards, zombie pool parties, girls having pillow fights... is this not the greatest workout video ever made??? Who knew exercise could be so much fun!

The girls start discussing what movie to watch... Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, Savage Streets, Nightmare Sisters, etc. Then we're treated to some footage of Linnea singing and dancing in Nightmare Sisters... with her breasts exposed... naturally. Then we see a clip of her about to give a guy a BJ, but instead, she grows fangs and chows down on his trouser sausage as steam rises up to cover his agonized face. Tasty! Remember folks, this is an exercise video. Yep... exercise.

One of the girls then asks Linnea how she stays in such great shape for these taxing film shoots. "Well, I eat right, get plenty of sleep, and most important, I exercise!" And with that, it's time for another lengthy session of random exercise routines... this time with all five girls in lingerie!

Yep, that's right, it's time for a slumber party exercise routine, complete with random close-up shots of their gyrating hips, and shots of them doing pelvic thrusts towards the ceiling.

What's amazing is that, unlike other legitimate exercise videos, she gives virtually no instructions or tips during the entire workout routine. It's just synthesizer music and girls exercising in skimpy clothing. I don't know many people who would actually complain about that though. I'm just stating the facts here, folks.

All of a sudden, the lights go out during the middle of their orgy exercise routine, and the girls become terrified. They stay in the living room while Linnea bravely goes to check out the fuse box on her own. Well, it is her house, so it should be her responsibility. Shortly after, they hear her Linnea screaming off in the distance. Of course, they don't listen to her suggestion to stay put in the living room, and one by one, they leave the group to go see what's wrong.

The first girl leaves and stares at the zombie bride statue, which resembles Geena Davis' character being summoned by Otho towards the end of Beetlejuice (R.I.P. Glen). While she's distracted by the statue, a mysterious killer approaches her from behind and stabs her. Now, when I say that, I'm sure you're thinking she gets stabbed once or twice and that's it. That's simply not the case here. She gets stabbed nonstop for a whopping 60 seconds! It's ridiculously over the top, and that girl officially has more holes in her than the plot of every movie Linnea has ever appeared in. *zing!*

The second girl soon goes off wandering and starts fooling with her hair in the mirror, not realizing that the killer is now behind her. It's hard to tell because of the shitty lighting, but I swear the killer is wearing a Ronald Reagan mask. Well, whoever it is, they just slammed a machete into that girl's noggin, so they've got my vote. I put all political affiliations aside when it comes to killers in horror movies... and... uh... "exercise" tapes.

The third girl wanders off and checks the bathroom, while the killer approaches her from behind with an axe. Can you guess the outcome here? If you guessed "her head will get chopped off and land in the toilet," then you've cleary watched a lot of exercise videos where young girls are chopped up by an ex-President during a sleepover party. Well done!

The final girl stays put in the living room, and the Ronald Reagan killer (yes, we can finally see his face in plain view) approaches her with a power drill. She thinks it's one of the other girls playing a joke and starts laughing about it... well, that is until she finds the drill jabbed directly into her back. Then the laughing stops, as does her breathing. I guess in this crazy world of intense exercise that Linnea has created, the girl dying would be considered the cool-down period, right?

After a somewhat lengthy shot of the drill going directly into her back, it's finally time to see what fiend lies behind that Ronald Reagan mask. Wouldn't it be amazing if the actual Ronald Reagan was behind that mask? That'd be a twist nobody saw coming... oh wait, I mean HOLY SHITBALLS! IT WAS LINNEA QUIGLEY ALL ALONG! WHAT A SURPRISE TWIST! Ok, we totally saw that coming, but come on... it's an exercise video based on a b-movie, what'd you expect, Citizen Kane? It still beats the shit out of M. Night Shlamalamadingdong's twist endings.

Linnea looks at all her victims and shouts, "There! That's how I *really* stay in shape! I guess you won't be coming to my house any more and eating all my popcorn! Don't you know the butter will make you fat? Well don't you!?" I dunno, it looks like between the workout and your chopping away at their bodies, I'd say these girls won't have to worry about gaining weight ever again, Linnea. And here I was questioning your methods throughout the video! Clearly, you know how to get people in shape, even if it kills them.

She then turns to face the camera directly to unleash this final huffing and puffing psycho rant: "And you! You on the sofa! I know what you're doing when you're watching my movies! Just how many calories do you think THAT burns!? You can do better than that! Now you get on the ground and give me a dozen push-ups!" She then starts counting off, but once she makes it to 4, she tells you to start running in place instead. Don't ask what happened to the dozen push-ups, the girl has clearly lost her mind at this point and she's still holding onto that machete. "You work those thighs or I'll cut 'em off!" Well, you know what they say... what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. What does kill you, however, only makes you dead.

When it's all said 'n done, it's clear that the only thing this video was meant to exercise was your hand. It's something that simply shouldn't exist, but it does, and I couldn't be happier about it. Oh, and Linnea, if you're reading this, I just want you to know one thing...

I'm still waiting for "Cooking With Linnea Quigley" to come out on VHS. Hurry up already, will ya!?

Here's a little video highlights compilation I put together so you can get some exercise of your own:

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE READER COMMENTS SECTION BELOW!