by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

Denise and her boyfriend are gettin' down and dirty on a pool table in the house when all of a sudden her little sister Cindy interrupts them, saying she wants to stay up and wait for Santa. "If you don't go back to bad, Santa won't come! Now go back to bed!" Ahhh, the classic "Santa won't come if you don't [insert anything here]." trick. How many children have been tricked into doing all sorts of chores 'n stuff simply stuff because of that lie? The last thing we kids ever wanted was for Santa NOT to come pay us a visit. "Roger! Go mow the lawn or Santa won't come!" OKAY! "Roger! Go give the car an oil change or Santa won't come!" OKAY! "Roger! Go solve the world's hunger problems or Santa won't come!" OKAY! "Roger! Go fight that polar bear to the death with your bare hands or Santa won't come!" OKAY!

Oh the things they tricked me into doing...

Well anyway, Billy must've sensed these two being naughty (what with their misuse of a perfectly good pool table for sexual intercourse 'n all) and shows up with an axe in hand, ready to kill! Now, at this point they have him chop through the door which is obviously no more than one inch thick. But why use a fake door here? HE'S GOT A REAL AXE! I could understand them installing a fake door if they were just gonna have him punch a hole in it with his fists, but the guy has an axe. It would be far more realistic if you just let him hack away at a real door. Then again, when you're talking about a movie featuring a psycho Santa using Christmas eve to satiate his bloodlust, I suppose you can't be too nitpicky about little details like the thickness of a door.

After missing her with his axe, Billy picks her up and shoves her right through the horns of a deer on the wall while shouting "PUNISH! PUNISH! PUNISH!" Gotta give him credit for improvising. I gotta say though, they should've had her lifeless body fall off the mounted deer head and then cut to a shot of its nose, covered in blood. Then Billy could've said something ultra-cheesy like, "There's more than one way to make Rudolph's nose turn red! PUNISH!"

Damnit, this is why I need to start making horror movies.

Denise's boyfriend gets tired of waiting for her to come back downstairs to continue their, ahem... game of pool. What he finds is the shattered remains of the front door (I'm sure he was just as surprised at how thin it was as I am) along with Denise embedded on the reindeer. And that's when Billy shows up. At first he puts up a good fight against Billy, knocking him down with a poker from the fireplace and even delivering a mighty kick directly to his jingle balls. Dear god boy! Don't you know what Santa does to boys who kick him in the nuts? That's right... PUNISH!

Billy picks him up and doesn't bother searching around for a creative way to kill him like he did with Denise. No, Billy just throws him out the nearest window and an absurdly large chunk of glass gets stuck in his gullet.

Before I move on, I should mention that the character of Denise was played by b-movie scream queen, Linnea Quigley, in one of her earlier roles. She's been in everything from Return of the Living Dead and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers to Jack-O and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama. Yes indeed, she deserves your b-movie respect.

Now that he's done killing off Denise and her boyfriend for playing such a risqué game of pool, Billy starts to make his way out of the house when little Cindy sees him and cries out "Santa!" Showing that he still has a tender side and hasn't completely lost his mind to murder and mayhem, he asks Cindy if she's naughty or not. When she says she's been good, he gives her a present - the blood box cutter that he killed Pamela with earlier on. It's a great scene because he's so happy to give her this gift and she's so utterly confused with it.

While the cops are out hunting for Billy, he's busy doing some hunting of his own. He's hunting down some bullies who just stole a sled from some younger kids. After Bob goes down the hill, his bully buddy Mac soon follows. Too bad for him, Santa saw him being naughty.

As Mac's sled slowly reaches the bottom of the hill, Bob notices there's one thing missing from it... Mac's head! Yep, Billy chopped it clean off as he was coming down the hill! Bob then let's out an extremely high-pitched shriek which I can only compare to Daniel Stern's reaction when a spider was placed on his face in Home Alone. Yes, it's that kind of a shriek. Only difference is, Daniel Stern was acting funny in that movie, the actor who played Bob? That's actually how how he screams. Well, at least he doesn't sound as bad as The Baron in Kingdom of the Spiders.

When Officer Barnes hears that Billy might be headed back to the orphanage he grew up at, he speeds on over to make sure the kids are ok. Sure enough, he sees somebody in a Santa suit approaching some of the children and has to think fast. And what do officers of the law do best? That's right, they shoot first and ask questions later! Barnes plugs three holes into Santa's back much to the horror of the orphanage children. None of them are more surprised than Billy's little brother Ricky who was about to shake Santa's hand just before he was gunned down. As Santa's blood stains the snow red (don't eat the red snow!), the cops realize they killed the wrong guy. Instead of killing Billy, Barnes killed Father O'Brien, who was pretending to be Santa for the kids this year. He was also deaf which is why he never heard the cop shouting at him to get away from the kids before gunning him down. So the cops just killed a deaf priest? Awesome. Law Enforcement: 1. God: 0.

Barnes, having already done a fantastic job, is told to stay at the orphanage in case any other innocent bystanders show up for him to shoot. As Father O'Brien is hauled off in an ambulance, Mother Superior (now stuck in a wheelchair) makes sure that Barnes feels guilty about what he did. Honestly, I'm surprised she didn't bend him over his knee and smack him with that holy belt of hers.

Barnes then starts walking around the grounds of the Orphanage to make sure Billy isn't hiding out anywhere. He notices a shack out back has an open door but when he doesn't see Billy inside, he assumes everything is hunky-dory. Well, if your definition of "hunky-dory" is getting an axe in the chest, well then hey... I guess everything's fine! So yeah, I regret to inform you that Barnes won't be killing any more religious figures today. But hey, there's always next Christmas, right?

After axing Barnes, Billy walks up to the snowmen that the children made and chops its head off with his bloody axe. I don't know why, but even with all the people he killed in the movie, this seems like the one truly mean-spirited thing that Billy ever did. I mean, everybody else he was harming because he thought they were naughty and needed to be punished, but what did this lifeless snowman ever do to anybody? It's just one of those amusing little moments that I've always really loved in this flick.

When one of the kids sees Santa standing at the front door, he lets him in before Mother Superior can stop him. Now Billy is face to face with Mother Superior and starts chanting "Naughty! Naughty! Naughty!" as he raises up his axe to chop her down right before his younger brother Ricky's eyes.

Sister Margaret shows up with Captain Richards just in the nick of time and he shoots Billy in the back before he can kill Mother Superior. Before he dies, Billy looks up at his younger brother and says, "You're safe now. Santa Claus is gone."

Somehow, I don't think his parting words did anything to ease the trauma that all the orphans just experienced. But that's the least of Mother Superior's worries at the moment. She looks over to Billy's younger brother Ricky. With his dead brother's axe at his feat, he scowls at Mother Superior and has only one word for her...

NAUGHTY!

And that about does it for Silent Night, Deadly Night, the most infamous Christmas-horror movie of all time. Fans of the movie might be interested to know that a remake is in the works, but as with all remakes, I remain extremely skeptical for their potential for sucktitude is far greater than their potential for awesomeness. But hey, if it turns out awful, I'm sure Santa will be more than happy to PUNISH them. The good news for us horror fans is that after years of being out of print, the uncut version of the movie is finally coming out on DVD on December 11th, 2007 so you can all enjoy it just in time for Christmas The only drawback is that it doesn't come with Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 like the previous DVD did.

Now, while I like the original Silent Night, Deadly Night far more, in recent times, the extremely cheesy kill scenes from the sequel have been lauded on the internet (what with Ricky killing a guy taking out the trash while shouting "Garbage Day!" for no reason whatsoever). But what's most amusing (read: "insane") about part 2 is that almost half of the entire movie is made up of scenes from the original Silent Night, Deadly Night. I'm not exaggerating at all when I say that you could honestly just watch part 2 and claim to have seen both movies. That's how much footage from the original was stuffed into this one. Still, you'll be missing out on a lot of the best stuff from the original movie if you only see the sequel, so make sure you check it out before watching the sequel.

Alright, it's getting late here and I had better get some sleep. After all, staying up past my bedtime could be considered naughty.

Click below to watch the "Silent Night, Deadly Night" trailer!