My fellow I-Mockians,|
Four score and several years ago,
I set out to... ah... you know what? Fuck the formal speech.
Listen up people, I've got some
friggin' awesome news. We've just completed the task of converting every page on
I-Mockery.com and transferring the site to a powerful new server. What does this
mean for you? Well for one thing, no more slow load times. For years we've been
plagued with really slow-loading pages due to our bandwidth constantly being
maxed out from high incoming traffic, but we've moved to a new host that can
easily handle the load and then some. We've also switched over from .ASP pages
to .PHP and improved on a lot of backend things that make this site tick... or
twitch... or whatever.
Before I get any further into
the details of what's new here, I want to take this chance to thank one guy who
has been an enormous help during this extremely lengthy site conversion process.
Scott Jablow was nice enough to handle 99% of the backend database work
for this site while I was busy converting all of the articles to PHP. It's
because of him that we were able to salvage all of the review site reviews, the
blog, the polls... everything. So my pickle hat off to him for the amazing work
he's done. Keep in mind he has a very busy schedule at work like myself, and
he's been helping out this entire time after hours when he could be just sitting
at home and relaxing. So again, many, many thanks to Scott for his help.
And Scott, now that you're done with all of that hard programming work, have a
Gamecube, X-Box, or PS2 on me... it's high time you get to get to go have a
nice long break!
Alrighty, now that I'm done
thanking the guy who helped me through the absurdly daunting task of
converting the entire site, lemme tell you about some of the new features you'll
see here on I-Mockery:
Improved speed - As I
stated before, bandwidth should no longer be an issue here, so you're gonna
notice that pages load at a lightning fast pace (pending you have a decent
Shorts - One of the
things about working on I-Mockery pieces that a lot of people don't realize is
how much time it takes to do them. We try to set ourselves apart from a lot of
the other sites out there by creating massive articles with all sorts of
in-depth details, photos, and animations. These things take a lot of time to
do. For example, a single minimock can sometimes take 2 weeks or more to complete.
Still, I put a lot of pressure on myself to crank out new material constantly,
so I've just launched a brand new section called
it's not about what kind of boxers I'm wearing
(Invader Zim ones if you're
really curious), it's
amusing little pieces that we can create within 1 day
or less. What this means is that while we're working on our big pieces such as minimocks (which really aren't so "mini"), we'll still be able to put up new
Shorts on a regular basis. So yeah, check out the new
section and expect much more frequent updates!
Review Comments - For
those of you who don't already know, we have 3 review sites in which you the
reader can submit your own reviews -
Classic Game Reviews,
and Movie Reviews.
While I myself and the other staff members may not agree with the opinions
expressed in those reviews, we never wanted to prevent someone from submitting
it. Still, when I see someone expressing their true love for a movie like
Crossroads, it was pretty hard to swallow. That being said, we've now added
the ability for you people to post your comments about anyone's review! In
other words, if you don't like what someone wrote in their review, you can
post a comment directly underneath their review and mock the hell out of them
publicly! Of course, the opposite is true too. If you think somebody did an
awesome job on their review or you simply agree with it strongly, let 'em know
about it by posting a compliment underneath their review! You don't have to be
registered to post comments or anything like that, simply check out any review
of your choice and you'll find the "Post A Comment" box directly
underneath them. I'm sure this new feature will start some great discussions
along with some amusing flamewars. And while we're on the subject of the
review sites, please start submitting reviews of your favorite (and least
favorite) classic games, movies, and albums. We've just re-opened the review
submission form now that we're up and running on the new server... so it's
time to breathe life back into those 3 sites that have been in limbo for the
duration of the site conversion. Get crackin'!
I-Mockery's Big Q&A -
I've been running this site for a loooong time now, and I often get asked a
lot of the same questions about it. With that in mind, I made a big I-Mockery
Q&A which you can find on our Info
Page underneath the staff members section. I answer all sorts
of questions that may or may not have been on your minds. The staff section
itself has also been updated.
Cynical Greeting Cards
- We revamped the Cynical
Greeting Cards site completely. In the past, it was a really
ugly, clunky looking page and it loaded every single card graphic all at once.
This caused a lot of slowdown and was probably utter hell for dial-up users.
But with the renovated site, we have it setup so that you can choose cards by
category. Not only does this spare you from loading every card image at once,
but it organizes things much better. Plus, with the way we have things setup,
we'll be able to add new cards to the site quite easily. So if there's
something you'd like to see in there, by all means
let us know!
Suggest to a Friend -
In the past, we only had the "suggest this piece to a friend" script on a few
large pieces, but now we have a new script and it can be easily added to any
piece on the site in a heartbeat. While it's not on many pages yet, I'll be
going through a lot of them and adding the script to it. So if there's a piece
you really enjoy here on I-Mockery, please don't hesitate to share it with
Old URLs Still Work -
A lot of you had specific pieces on this site bookmarked and expressed worries
about losing the links to them. Believe me, I know this is a really large site
and you shouldn't have to go hunting for an old article that you had
bookmarked (not that you couldn't find it quickly with Google, but still). So,
we setup a script on our server that makes all of your old bookmarked pages
automatically redirect to their new PHP-equivalent pages. For example, if you
had a page called garbagepailkidsrule.asp bookmarked, when you go to that link
it would automatically redirect you to the new version garbagepailkidsrule.php.
Pretty schnazzy eh?
There's all sorts of other
little improvements that we've made to various sections of the site, but I
won't bore you with those details. I just wanted to let all of you know that
I-Mockery is now set to become bigger than ever before and it's mainly thanks
to those of you who've continued to support the site all these years. I'm
really excited about where we'll be taking the site next. And for those of you
wondering about the status of my
zombie movie, I'm still planning on doing
it. I'm just trying to raise cash for it, which is one of the reasons I'm
working a full-time job. Cool thing is, I've already purchased a really nice
prosumer digital camcorder and I'm hoping to do some short films this year
which I'll be putting up on the site. That's one of the things I love about
working on I-Mockery - I never really set any kind of boundaries for what type
of material can go up on this site. There's no one single focus that it has.
And while that might seem a bit chaotic, that's pretty much how I've always
been. I have far too many interests to just settle down and work on one type
of project constantly. I'm always looking to try out new things, so doing some
film work seems only natural. Expect a lot of good things to come to I-Mockery
in the future, I'm really excited about where we're taking it. And please,
shoot me and email and let me know what
you guys think about the new site. I always enjoy hearing from the viewers.
p.s. : In
celebration of launching the site on the new server, myself and PoX have just
put up our first issue of
PickleMan since last xmas, so be sure to
check it out. It's a whopping 30+ pages of pickled goodness!!!!!!