If you've read comic books for a while, you probably know what "Crisis on Infinite Earths" refers to. If you don't, here's the deal: During the forties, fifties, sixties and seventies, so much crazy shit happened in the DC universe that comics were about to be classified as mind-altering narcotics and
illegalized. When the eighties came to town, it was decided that all alternate realities, parallel worlds and polydimensional alter-egos were to be wiped from the slate.
But just because many of the old storylines are gone from continuity, that doesnít mean they arenít still available. And boy, was there a lot of wacky stuff going on pre-crisis. So today, I-Mockery presents the most hilarious Jimmy Olsen covers ever printed.
I should probably make it clear as soon as possible that I haven't actually read these comic books. So I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason why Jimmy is forcing Superman to watch The Way We Were and collecting his tears.
I'm not sure why he chooses to become a hippie and why hippies accuse Superman of being a freak-out, however. Apparently, Superman likes money and hippies hate money. It's funny how the logo says "Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen," seeing how half of the covers I have been able to find tell the harrowing tale of how Jimmy is trying to kill Superman, Superman is trying to kill Jimmy, Jimmy is faking his own death to make Superman reveal his secret identity, or Jimmy fucks Superman's girlfriend. Christ, Superman has been in conflict with Jimmy Olsen more often than with Lex Luthor.
Here we go again. Jimmy, who appears to hoard kryptonite like a giant kryptonite-eating space squirrel, has become the king of his own private island and gone nuts. I can't imagine why Mr. White keeps him around the Daily Planet. He's never there in time to get his big scoop, and every other week he is crowned king of something-or-other, has to take time off to marry Lois, or goes off on a wild adventure with his new super-powers.
Like in this comic book, where he's "the Superman-Batman of Earth-X".
And don't think I was kidding when I said he married Lois all the time. If Superman had a dollar for every time he had to be Jimmy's flower girl, he'd have enough money to start his own corporate empire and run Luthor out of business.
Uh oh, look behind you, Jimmy. Looks like you might have to compete against Superman after all. Well, at least the rivalry between Jimmy and Superman (or should I say King of Marbles?) takes on a more civilized form this time around. But damn, that's some serious marble skill right there.
OK, now we're getting to the really good ones. Superman is walking upside down, and Jimmy is the only one who can see it! Or is Jimmy just imagining that Superman is walking upside down? Better buy the magazine and find out!
So far, we've seen Jimmy as a crazy scientist, a hippie, a king, Superman-Batman of Earth-X, a groom, a marble expert, an upside-down-seer, and now he's a crazy scientist again.
Fun fact: we've yet to see him take a single picture.
Now, that's just cruel.
Rock star. Of course, what else could be the next natural step in Jimmy's career? And
OOOEEE is Superman a rockin'! I mean, YAH YAH YAH, those are some moves, big daddy!
Jimmy even knows how to rock in the past. And he's as popular as Ringo! How he is able to steal The Beatles' material and start a Beatle craze using just a shell and a drum is unknown, but judging by the new hair fashion of ancient Jerusalem, he's done it with flair.
And finally, my favorite Jimmy Olsen cover of all time. I don't know what it means or how it defied all sorts of logic by coming into existence, but it's a thing of beauty. How did Superman become a witch doctor? How did Jimmy find himself engaged to a gorilla? Who put make-up on the gorilla? I don't know, and I fear the truth will be a disappointment after the awesome premise. Gotta love how Superman sounds like he's giving Jimmy a valid reason for why he has to marry them, but then if you read his argument over again, you realize he's just going "Sorry, Jimmy, but I'm fucking doing this."
And that's it for Jimmy. But be back now, y'hear, because
Lois Lane is up next! And let me assure you that Jimmy has nothing on Lois when it comes to reality-shattering insanity. What she lacks in becoming the king of islands, she makes up for in murderous sex-crazes. And don't think for a
second it stops there.
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THE LOIS LANE COMIC COVERS!