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Since I
currently live in California, snow wasn't exactly the first thing I
was expecting to see out here this winter. Ok, well I did think I'd
see Snow on the streets, but I'm speaking of the "a-licky-boom-boom
down" Snow, and figured he'd be begging for spare change these
days. Actual snow though? Can't say I was going to invest in a new
sled to go riding on this year.
They don't tend to work all that well on the sandy beaches from what I
hear, and the hills there suck anyway.
Imagine
my surprise when I discovered that snow was right under my nose all
along. No, not cocaine... SUPER SNOW!
I
couldn't believe my eyes when I found this stuff amongst all the other
seasonal goodies in a local shop; for only a few bucks I could make my
own snow! Could it be true!? The "As Seen On TV" logo had me
thinking no, but I still had to try it. If nothing else, I
could keep a bag of this stuff in the glove compartment of my car for
some hilarious hijinks the next time a cop pulls me over. Then
again, I could empty a few sugar packets into a zip-lock bag and
achieve the same thing without having to spend a few bucks on fake
snow, so I was really hoping that this stuff actually worked.
Before
you start making it, they want you to know some interesting factoids
about Super Snow:
-
Super
Snow expands to more than 100 times its size. (So don't make it
indoors, or your house will overflow just like that scene in "Real
Genius", only it will overflow with "Super Snow" instead of
popcorn.)
-
Super
Snow can be reused and lasts for 4 to 6 weeks. (After that time
period has expired, however, it becomes a lethal airborne virus
capable of crippling an entire nation and the Christmas dreams of
all.)
-
Super
Snow lasts ten times longer than other snow, makes four times that of
other powders, and actually glistens and sparkles like real snow.
(Super Snow also points and laughs at all other forms of snow, says
things about their moms and gives them an inferiority complex.)
-
Super
Snow can be used at parties, weddings, festivals, floats, and much
more. (And when they say "much more" they mean it can also
be used for funerals, wars, eyewash stations, and time traveling
DeLoreans.)
-
Super
Snow has been used on movie sets and indoor snowboarding parks.
(It's also been used on suspects during interrogations when they just
won't cooperate with the investigating law officers.)
-
Super
Snow is used by farmers to grow more drought-tolerant crops:
"It's true, without Super Snow, all our crops would be dead and we
wouldn't be the extremely happy farmers that we are today."
With so
many things going for it, who wouldn't want to try Super Snow
out???
Rather
than fill up my entire home with this super-expanding stuff, I decided
that going with a meager three 1/4th teaspoons of the mix would be
enough to test it out. For every 1/4 teaspoon of Super Snow you use,
it requires 4 ounces of water. I'll let you math/science nerds run the
numbers on that one, but suffice to say, that's a lot of water to soak
up for such a small amount of Super Snow mixture. They also recommend
you use warmer water to make the snow form more quickly. So not only
are you making your own snow, you're making your own warm snow?
Wow, that's downright wrong. This is sounding exactly like the kind of
stuff that god promised himself he would kill the world for if mankind
ever invented it. The next time you see one of those crazy people
walking on the streets with a cardboard "the end is nigh!"
sign, walk up to them with a big smile on your face, give 'em a
handful of warm Super Snow and watch them flip the fuck out.
Almost
immediately after I poured the water onto the Super Snow mixture, it
formed a gelatinous puddle in the bottom of my bowl. A far cry from
snow, but wait, there was one more step to complete: vigorous
stirring! With vim, vigor and vitality, I stirred my Super Snow
concoction in hopes of bringing a warm winter wonderland into my big
blue bowl. That last sentence was for all of you alliteration fanatics
- it had better have brought you to full orgasm.
Egads,
it worked! The stuff looks just like snow, or at the very least, like
slush. Much like the yellow snow, however, there's no way in hell I'm
going to try eating it. Super Snow doesn't have any noticeable odor,
but it feels like holding onto a combination of Jell-O, Floam and the
"living ice" mixture that came with the
Mad Scientist Monster Lab back in
the day. Warm or not, this stuff is pretty badass especially when you
consider how much it makes from such a small amount of the mixture.
What's also nice about it is that you can mold it and it will hold the
shape quite well. To demonstrate this, I call upon the almighty
Mumm-Ra to make a nice Super Snow Angel for us.
Mumm-Ra:
"What bizarre substance is this? It is stranger than anything I have
stored away in my black pyramid... and it's warm! Super Snow, you say?
Most interesting. Very well, I shall give you your 'snow angel' by
reciting my magical incantation: ANCIENT SPIRITS OF EVIL, TRANSFORM
THIS GELATINOUS MUSH TO SNOW ANGEL, THE EVER-FESTIVE!"
Mumm-Ra:
"Behold, the ultimate evil snow angel! It's warm, it's mushy and I can
make evil snow angels out of it! I'm going to line my entire
sarcophagus with this Super Snow stuff and spent eternity in comfort!
Mumm-Raaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
And
there you have it. If it's good enough for Mumm-Ra, it's good enough
for me. I have full intentions of buying one of the big 1-pound Super
Snow bags so I can host the greatest silicone-based snowball fight to
ever take place here in sunny California. Oh yes, it will be quite the
spectacle. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go fertilize the lawn
with gelatinous snow so I can grow me some fine crops.
Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN ORNAMENTS!
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