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As you
all know, the new "Superman Returns" movie was recently
released, and with it, you can expect to be buried beneath an
avalanche of new Superman crap. Hats, T-shirts, action figures,
costumes, and a myriad other products, licensed and unlicensed alike,
are already on the market. If it's large enough to accommodate
Superman's trademark "S" shield, you can bet your last ounce of
kryptonite that someone is trying to make a buck off of it. That said,
it should come as no surprise that on the heels of this remake comes a
multi-platform release of "Superman Returns" videogames. For the
uninitiated, games based off of movies tend to be hit-or-miss; you
could wind up with a great game based off of a crummy movie, like
Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay, or you could wind
up with just the opposite, in the case of the infamous ET: The
Extraterrestrial game and the far less well-known Waiting for
Guffman game. Superman, however, is no stranger to the realm of
electronic entertainment. No, he is all too familiar with how hard it
can be to make an entertaining game that centers on a hero who is
nigh-indestructible. With that in mind, save yourself the trouble of
searching online for Superman's video game legacy and take a gander at
this brief list of some of the ubermenche's past efforts:
Superman
(Atari 2600)
Atari
played host to one of the earliest Superman games. At least I think
it's a game. When you start it up, a vaguely humanoid configuration of
colored blocks enters what looks like a phone booth, and then
transforms into another blocky man with a hat. And then there's a
bunch of noise, and you get the impression that stuff is happening,
but you can't really tell what, and you certainly can't do anything
about it. On one screen, it kind of looks like a bridge has collapsed,
and in another, there's a character that I think is supposed to be a
lady in distress. Maybe. Perhaps I somehow managed to use his x-ray
vision, and then got stuck in that mode. I'm willing to give Superman
a mulligan for this one.
Superman (NES)
Superman
hasn't been in the best of games, but one of his earliest ventures
into the field of video gamery was just plain bizarre. Case in point:
1988's Superman for the NES. You wouldn't suspect that anything was
amiss from the title screen, although the limited graphics capacity
cost the Man of Steel his tone and definition. Then, moments later...
You
witness a short, stocky version of Superman being briefed by a
noseless version of the Statue of Liberty (or rather, the "Statue of
Freedom") about the threat posed by the insidious General Zod.
Something like that is bound to leave Superman fans ill at ease,
despite the Statue reassuring Superman, "I'll be watching you."
Rightly so, as it turns out all the characters have been transformed
into midgets. Dwarf-ization aside, the Man of Steel is severely
hampered in the game. The average Superman game renders the hero
vulnerable to bullets, fists, and all the other things that normally
wouldn't even phase him, but this game took that a step further by
giving him a number of severely limited powers, including two
different kinds of "Super Breath." I couldn't find a use for either
type of breath, but then again, it took me a while just to figure out
how to effectively use the "Super Flight." If you do use up all of a
given power, you can always try to get more by beating power-ups out
of the local thugs, including a three-pack of hot dogs that, depending
on the color, can help or hinder our hero. Indeed, you'll be
hard-pressed to make sense of anything in this game. Really, it's best
if you don't ask questions, just as Clark Kent's in-game colleagues
don't question his 40ft vertical leap.
Superman: The
Man of Steel (Commodore 64)
The next
Superman game took things in a different direction. "A
not-half-his-original-size" direction. This time around, the Man of
Steel faces off with a number of his popular nemeses, including
Darkseid, the evil alien tyrant with the bullet-shaped head. Rather
than being a somewhat open-ended side-scroller like the NES game, the
C64 Superman features a series of minigames. In one, you'll shoot at
incoming para-demons (monsters sent via portal by Darkseid) with heat
vision in an Afterburner-type scenario; in another, you'll blast
asteroids to bits before they can destroy a satellite, like in
Asteroids "(kinda); and in yet another, you'll guide the Man of Steel
through a gauntlet of robots and automatic turrets, just like in...
well, not at all like Gauntlet, but if it were, I can assure you that
Superman would never shoot the food. Anyway, it was kind of a good
time, and the graphics were far better than in Superman's NES
incarnation. In terms of how true it stayed to the actual character,
all of Superman's powers (flight, x-ray vision, super strength, etc)
are yours to command, albeit they drew from an energy bar that
gradually refilled over time. Also, he's just as indestructible in the
game as he is in the comics, and running headlong into meteors and
dangerous robots just knocks him for a loop momentarily. As such, most
of the challenges involve completing an objective within a given time
limit. They even managed to work in a decent, although somewhat
grainy, version of the Superman theme. Not bad for an old 16-bit
computer.
The Death and
Return of Superman (Genesis, SNES)
A few
years back, the Superman storyline took on an interesting arc, in
which Superman died. I suppose my saying that was superfluous, given
the title of this game, but say it I did. Anyway, Superman's usual
routine of being shot at, and then having empty guns chucked at him,
is interrupted by the arrival of an unfriendly visitor from another
world: Doomsday. The Justice League can't stop him (not even Aquaman),
and so it comes down to Superman to save the day. He does, but not
without taking one too many blows from Doomsday's craggy fists. And
so, with Superman out of the picture, four Superman wannabes show up,
and then all manner of stuff goes down that I can't remember because
it's been years since I read the comics. I think LA was destroyed for
some reason, but I can't remember how or why. Regardless, the game
itself was kind of fun. Kind of. For all his strength, Superman and
the Supermen still had some trouble overcoming common street thugs
armed with chainsaws and Molotov cocktails. Plus, it seemed kind of
anticlimactic to me that the monstrous bad guy who was finally able to
kill Superman could be done in by standing slightly above or below him
and punching like crazy. In short, not awful, but not great either.
Superman
(Arcade)
They
used to have this game at an old Roller rink in town. I remembered it
as being kind of fun, though not so fun that I would want to learn how
to skate and thus have an excuse to hang out in that place. Imagine my
surprise when I returned to the game some eight years or so later and
found it to be... peculiar. I'm not sure of the actual plot of the
game. All you get in terms of story is a single picture of an alien
with a green head holding the earth in his hand and sneering at the
camera. My guess is alien invasion, because the bulk of the enemies
are flying costumed humanoids that try to punch and kick you into
submission. It seems pretty straightforward in the beginning, but
gradually, you start to notice a few incongruous elements here and
there. Most notably, there are two Supermen. Behold...
The
second player controls a Superman with a red and grey outfit, and has
all the powers of the original Superman. Speaking of powers, the
Supermen, in addition to having super strength, flight, and heat
vision, also have the ability to conjure up a glowing yellow sphere
and hurl said sphere at their enemies with explosive results. Nifty,
yes, but doesn't Superman have enough powers as it is? Even more
peculiar is that whenever an enemy or a Superman is killed, they
transform into a holographic body outline and fade from sight.
Observe:
Perhaps
the Japanese developers felt that Superman's powers made him too
unrealistic, and so he had to be merely a figment of some computer
simulation. Furthermore, the game presented the Man of Steel with a
number of costumed aliens and cyborgs, but at times, these villains
seemed downright silly:
Finally,
the different stages are set in different well-known American cities,
such as San Diego and Las Vegas. At one point, you even travel to
Washington DC, but the thing is, although I don't live in the area,
I'm fairly certain that Mount Rushmore isn't located in that general
area, although the game developers would beg to differ.
Superman (Gameboy)
The less
said about the Superman game for the world's most popular handheld
gaming system, the better. It was based off the contemporary Superman
cartoon, and that's about the closest thing to a compliment as this
game is going to receive. The bulk of the gameplay centers on the
toughest superhero in town scouring the landscape for keys. Keys! As
if it weren't ridiculous enough for the Man of Steel to be rummaging
around Metropolis for keys when Superman routinely makes his own
entrance by smashing through walls and ceilings alike, it turns out
that there is no door at the end of the stage. I guess Superman just
likes to collect old skeleton keys in his free time. Anyway, Superman
can fly unhindered in this game, but that's about it. His punches are
somewhat ineffective, as his arms have the reach of a Tyrannosaurus'.
On the downside, he doesn't have heat vision, or freezing breath, but
he does have the ability to jerk forward suddenly and slam into his
enemies, oddly enough only harming himself. He doesn't exactly look
the part either, as the graphics are atrocious. Then again, so is the
music and sound effects. In short, this game is one steaming pile of
brown kryptonite.
Superman 64
(Nintendo 64)
Doubtless some of you are way ahead of me when I bring up this "gem"
from the days of 64-bit gaming. For the rest, it may be somewhat
insufficient to say that Superman 64 was a bad game. Just imagine the
most visually displeasing game that you've ever played, combine it
with horrendous controls and a third-person camera with a mind of its
own, and slap the Superman license on it, and you've got Superman 64.
Though it is now relegated to the shelves of second-hand game stores
around the country, its infamy will always remain in the hearts of
fans of Superman and fans of video games as well. Lest we forget...
Superman:
Shadow of Apokolips (PS2, Gamecube)
The
latest game in the Superman franchise. Like Superman 64, the game is
in the third-person perspective and is based off the late 90s Superman
cartoon, but the similarities end there. All of Superman's powers are
intact (except for his ability to travel backward through time by
flying around the world backward), and draw off of an energy bar. In
that way, it's like the Commodore 64 game, except with an extra, third
dimension. In the game, Superman squares off with a few of the
recurring villains, including evil kryptonite-powered cyborg, Metallo,
and his army of "Interbots." Indeed, exercising the Man of Steel's
many powers on wave after wave of deadly robots is fun, but it does
get a little old after a while, thanks in part to there being very
little variation in the Interbots. Still, it's a significant
improvement over the previous Superman offerings. Now, all that
remains to be seen is how it stacks up to the Superman Returns game...
So what
makes a good Superman game? To begin with, it isn't necessary to make
Superman totally invulnerable, but for the love of god, don't make him
so vulnerable that he can be killed by accidentally bumping into a
mugger on the street. It's also important to get his powers down
right. Heat vision and flight are Superman staples, as is super
strength. To that end, it shouldn't take a volley of five or more
punches to subdue some yahoo in an undershirt. While you're at it, get
some decent music for the game. I mean, the guy has his own orchestra
theme. The least you can do is shell out a few extra bucks for a
soundtrack that fans will remember (remember fondly, that is).
Finally, and this is the most important step of all, make sure that
the play has some idea of what’s going on, and what it is that they
should be doing, and no, "be Superman" is not an acceptable
answer.
Without
all that, all you'll wind up with is a Super flop, and people will
call you a super ninny. That said, I’d like to close with one last bit
of nostalgia, in the form of the three bad guys from Superman II -
Ursa, Non, and our dearest friend General Zod, as
depicted in the NES version of Superman:
Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Dr. Boogie
Want to see some
more Superman related content?
The All New "Superman Returns" Toys!
The Superman Returns Slurpee Cup!
Insane Comic Book Covers - Superman's Pal: Jimmy
Olsen!
Insane Comic Book Covers - Superman's
Girlfriend: Lois Lane!
Insane Comic Book Covers - World's Finest
Comics!
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