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After my
coverage of the
Superman Slurpee Mug and Kryptonite Doritos,
I suppose it should come as no surprise that we're gonna be seeing a
lot of Superman Returns movie stuff this summer. If there's a product that they can
put the Man of Steel's logo on, you can pretty much bet that they
will. Just take a trip to the grocery store and you'll already see all sorts
of Superman tie-ins:
Superman Crunch: Cap'n Crunch with Superman shield shapes that
turn milk blue!
Superman Life: Life cereal made with whole grain Quaker
Oats with the addition of honey flavored Superman shields.
Quaker Chewy Superman Chocolate Chip Granola Bars: Classic chewy
granola bars with red and blue chocolate chips.
Four
Cheese Pasta Superman Limited Edition Pasta Roni: Pasta Roni
features pasta shaped Superman Shields.
And I'm
sure this is just the beginning of it all. Scary eh? But what
superhero movie advertising blitz would be complete without a brand
new toy line? Don't worry, in addition to
Burger King's new Superman toys, Mattel has you covered with plenty of new
Superman stuff. Let's take a closer look at all the new Superman
Returns toys:
The
Superman Returns Hyperposeable Figure
With 33
points of articulation for "super poseability," this is sure to be a
favorite amongst Superman fans and action figure collectors alike. Of
course, it looks like he's
had a few ribs removed in order to make his chest more moveable. But I
can
 overlook that. What I can't overlook is how they didn't learn
their lesson from all the controversy that Superman's package
generated when people first got a glimpse of the start of the new
movie. If they really learned their lesson then why does this toy have
such an accentuated crotch? I wonder if his super-schlong is
actually one of the 33 points of articulation?
The Superman
and Lois Lane Barbie Dolls
What is
it about all the male Barbie dolls that makes them look so gay?
Granted, this guy is wearing blue tights, so that's not helping things
out but you gotta feel bad for Lois. Clearly she's not gonna be
getting any. Also, word is that some of the Lois Lane dolls have eyes
that are colored slightly different, but don't let that stop you from
buying it. I mean, did it stop you when you bought that original Six
Million Dollar Man figure that had the hollowed out bionic eye? Ok,
well Lois doesn't come with a bionic eye, but that's nothing a drill
press can't fix.
The Superman
Returns Inflato Suit
Yes! Now
this is the kind of item I always look forward to with any big new
blockbuster superhero movie. The kind of item where they take things farther
than the simple rehashing of old superhero action figures. The
Superman Inflato Suit comes with a built-in fan that, when turned on,
inflates the suit to give you the
appearance of having large muscles
wearing an inflated blue garbage bag. What I don't get is why they put
all that work into this item that I'm sure any kid would love, yet his
infamous cape is colored brown on the box?? Granted, any kid caught
wearing this would probably get thrown into a large mud puddle by
someone with real muscles, so the brown cape wouldn't make that
much of a difference. And no, sorry to disappoint, but it isn't being
released for adults.
The
Superman Returns Truck Lifting Set
While
the idea of having a Super toy that can lift a truck above its head
and then throw it definitely sounds like fun, this shows a side of
Superman that we haven't really seen much of before: the
Disgruntled Employee Superman! If you look closely, you'll notice
that the truck has the Daily Planet logo on it, so why would he be
picking it up and throwing it? Sounds like Clark Kent isn't happy with
his salary at the Daily Planet and has decided to take it out on the
truck by picking it up, throwing it, and allowing it to burst into
flames. Classy!
The
Superman Returns Power Punch Set
I can
understand a toy company wanting to capitalize on the success of
similar items such as the Incredible Hulk hands, but is this really
the best they could do? Aside from how cheap they look, these power punching fists come with an
"unbreakable" steel bar, which makes crunching sound effects when you
bend it while wearing the gloves. That's just going to give 'em a
false sense of super-strength, which will cause these kids to hate
themselves later in life, because they figured they would be able to
bend their jail bars and escape if they happened to get caught robbing
the local liquor store.
The
Superman Returns Super Breath Figure
It
doesn't really do much, but would you really want to own a figure of
Superman where he's always making such a ridiculous looking face?
Well, I suppose that's better than a figure with a huge crotch
bulge...
Monopoly: Superman Returns Collector's Edition
So now
Superman is getting into real estate? Well, I guess after trashing the
Daily Planet's truck, Clark Kent would have to look for a new job. Oh
wait, they don't know Clark is Superman because he wears glasses.
Riiiiiiiight. We all know Lex Luthor is the king of real estate
anyway, so there's no point in playing as Superman.
The
Superman Returns Clark to Superman Figure
I can't
believe it. I really, really can't believe it. This marks the
first time in my life that I've actually wanted to beat up an action
figure.
The
Superman Returns "Kryptonite Smash" Figure
Correct
me if I'm wrong, but doesn't Kryptonite HURT Superman? I'm pretty sure
he doesn't go around searching for large chunks of it to punch. Plus,
kryptonite isn't alive, so I doubt punching or chopping it is going to
really do anything than cause Superman some unnecessary pain. If he's
in a bad mood, he simply goes over to the Daily Planet and finds one
of their trucks to hurl into oblivion.
The
Superman Returns Sky Strike Figure
I have
no problem with these kind of toys. It's always a lot of fun to blast
your favorite superhero into the air and watch him soar just like in
the movies! That is until he becomes embedded in the ceiling of your
house and your dad beats the tar out of you. Of course, you could try
using it outside, but then it'll likely get stuck high up in a tree
and you'll end up getting killed by a 50ft drop when you try to climb
up and retrieve it.
The
Superman Returns Heat Vision Headset
Come on!
They could've at least made some cool glasses with red light beams
that come out of them instead of this spelunker's headset. You can't
say it's heat "vision" and have it coming out of the side of your
head. Vision comes out of your EYES. Plus having the big
Superman "S" logo on the
back of your head while wearing
this thing is more like a target for any bully to hit with a baseball
bat.
The
Superman Returns Disc Attack
Again,
the toy makers seem to be unaware of where vision comes from. The red
discs that shoot out of this figure's chest are supposed to be
Superman's heat vision blasts. Unless he's a super mutant with eyes on
his chest, I'm pretty sure that's not heat vision shooting out of him.
I'm also fairly certain that Superman's heat vision doesn't look like
checker pieces.
The
Superman Returns Krazy Kryptonite Compound
It
stretches, it bounces, it's Krazy Kryptonite! And you know it's crazy
if they actually spell crazy with a "k". Krazy! Actually, you'd
be krazy to try bouncing the stuff because I guarantee if
there's any dust or fibers laying on the ground, it will instantly
become a part of this nasty green blob upon contact. It looks more
like some kind of nasty pus-filled alien brain than a chunk of
kryptonite, but I doubt that will stop any kid from buying it. It
wouldn't stop ME from buying it for that matter either. Fact:
adults with green pus-filled alien slime brains are cooler than adults
without green pus-filled alien slime brains.
The
Superman Returns Kryptonite Crystal Shard
More kryptonite?
Fantastic! It's a glowstick in the shape of a kryptonite crystal shard
with a sharp pointy end! I can't wait to read the news story about how
some candy raver took this thing to a rave, started swinging it around
and impaled somebody in the eye with it. Hello super lawsuits! Well,
we've all heard that candy raver motto before: P.L.U.R. =
Peace. Love. Unity. Retina-damage.
Ok,
that's all the toys for now. I'll do my best to keep you updated on
any other Superman Returns items that are released in the coming
months. Until then, have fun playing in your blue tights. Don't even
try to deny it. I know you own a pair.
Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-
Want to see some
more Superman related content?
Superman Video Games Over The Years!
The Superman Returns Slurpee Cup!
Insane Comic Book Covers - Superman's Pal: Jimmy
Olsen!
Insane Comic Book Covers - Superman's
Girlfriend: Lois Lane!
Insane Comic Book Covers - World's Finest
Comics!
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