Say gang! Here's a really growthful way to waste time,
especially at work where you can get paid for it! First, copy
this list. Then make all the things on it you've done bold, or
change the text color, or put it in some crazy new font and send
it to all your friends! Instruct them to do the same thing! It
really makes you think about what you've done in your life and
what you haven't done yet and it also makes you think about how
you'll probably die not having done a lot of stuff you wanted to
do, anyway it did that to me. But then I thought, say, why not
make my own list that has LOTS of things on it I've
ALREADY done and that way if I die on my way home at least I
won't feel so futile and useless at the end! Unless I totally
don't see my death coming like if I get hit by a meteor in the
back of the head, or if a sniper blows my head off, or if my
head just shuts down inexplicably, in which case I probably
won't be thinking about the state of my life at that exact
moment. I'll probably be thinking about The Smurfs, or
that orange stuff you get on everything when you eat Cheetos. Or
sex. Anyway, here's my list. I took out all the bold stuff, so
you won't know what stuff I did. If you want an inside scoop
like that, you have to pay for it same as everybody else.
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink.
02. Swam with wild dolphins.
03. Climbed a mountain.
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive.
05. Been inside the great pyramid.
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone.
08. Said, "I love you" and meant it.
09. Hugged a tree.
10. Said "Cow" over and over for days and didn't say anything
11. Visited Paris.
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise.
14. Seen the northern lights.
15. Stayed up all night and watched the wall of a Mexican drunk
16. Hidden in the stairwell of your workplace until they closed.
17. Shaved someone's beard against their will.
18. Legally changed your name to Festus Nutkick.
19. Slept under the stars.
20. Changed a baby's diaper.
21. Explained to a complete stranger why you changed their
22. Stolen a baby and replaced it with an ice sculpture of
23. Had a blackout.
24. Had a flashback.
25. Had a flashablackout.
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit while killing a monkey.
27. Kissed a total stranger who was obese, on some sort of
public transportation and maybe dead.
28. Bet on a winning horse and then blown your winnings on what
later turned out to be a skilled forgery of a some real famous
painting of a nude fatty lounging on a sofa attended by
29. Asked out a stranger.
30. Had a snowball fight.
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly could during an audience
with the Pope.
32. Held a Monkey.
33. Seen a total eclipse.
34. Ridden a roller coaster with former secretary of state,
35. Claimed repeatedly to have a hook hand when it's quite clear
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking.
37. Sipped Box Wine from the eye socket of an unconscious
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a God
39. Had a tryst with a farm animal.
40. Hijacked a school bus full of handicapped orphans.
41. Beat Oprah senseless with a length of hose.
42. Disposed of the corpse of a close friend at a Dog Food
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country against their
44. Watched wild Monkeys.
45. Stolen a human organ.
46. Backpacked in Europe.
47. Backpacked in Europe but this time your backpack was filled
with human heads.
48. Gone rock climbing to escape Monkeys.
49. Midnight walk on the beach with Monkeys.
50. Gone skydiving.
51. Okay, with Monkeys.
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love and
then done stuff that got you a restraining order and then broken
that restraining order, gone to jail and been busted out BY
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal
with them against their will.
54. Converted someone.
55. Milked a cow against its will.
56. Milked a Monkey, consensually, pretty much.
57. Put an orange under your shirt and told all your coworkers
you'd had a sex change, but part way through they found out it
wasn't covered by your insurance.
58. Sung karaoke in a fancy restaurant that doesn't have
59. Lounged around in bed all day nursing the kind of hangover
that could kill an entire small town.
60. Played "touch" football.
61. Found that Stingray that did Steve Irwin and given him 'what
62. Kissed in the rain.
63. Played in the mud.
64. Made love in the mud and rain.
65. Done 62, 63, or 64 with a person.
66. Visited the Great Wall of China.
67. Caused an international incident.
68. Become so famous someone blew your spine out to impress a
movie star they were so fucked up they thought they had a
relationship and while you lay there bleeding out the last thing
you heard on earth was them saying "Oh, wait, I remember, I
don't even know that person I thought killing you would impress."
69. Improperly used a big word at a cocktail party over and
70. Washed down Oxycontin with rubbing alcohol.
71. Shot a man for snoring.
72. Gotten married.
73. Been in a movie.
74. Been in a movie about the life of Proust in which you played
a nice serving of whitefish.
75. Gotten divorced.
76. Been in another movie about the life of Proust in which you
reprised the role of a nice serving of whitefish until you woke
up and realized it was just an actors nightmare.
77. Made cookies from scratch.
78. Gotten remarried to the women you'd divorced.
79. Ridden a Gigolo in Venice until someone informed you Gigolos
are male prostitutes not water taxis.
80. Smoked hashish with Sufi's in the Hindu Kesh, probably.
81. Rafted the Snake River on a raft made of the inflated bodies
of a THOUSAND DEAD MONKEY WARRIORS!
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert" on
83. Had your Doctor say "I thought that social disease was
84. Performed on stage.
85. Performed on stage in Vegas.
86. Performed on stage in Vegas with Wayne Newton.
87. Performed on stage in Vegas with Wayne Newton against his
88. Performed on stage in Vegas with Wayne Newton against his
MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY NO BAD MONKEY!!
89. Gone to Thailand but not for the whole sex tourism thing.
90. Bought a house only to discover it was a Monkey house, and
then your realtor unzips his rubber suit and it's a Monkey.
91. Been to Paradise, but not to me.
92. Buried one/both of your parents.
93. Buried one/both of your parents after they were dead.
94. Spoken in tongues.
95. Performed in Rocky Horror and later died of shame.
96. Raised children.
97. Lowered children.
98. Beat a child prostitute to death............. with a Monkey!
99. Apologized to parents.
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over and
not because you were on the 'lam'.
101. Walked the golden gate bridge holding hands with a hybrid
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew
someone was looking and then gone into road rage and killed the
other person with one of those textured mallets butchers use.
103. Had plastic surgery so the Monkeys wouldn't be able to
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
planned by the government because you know too much.
105. Painted your nipples all by yourself in a Motel Six.
106. Lost over 100 pounds.
107. Removed over 100 pounds from someone else.
108. Grown to fifty feet and gone on a mental rampage.
109. Exhumed Frank Sinatra just to dance the hootchy koo.
110. Broken someone's heart, literally.
111. Helped an animal give birth that was not a Monkey.
112. Embraced the Dark Lord.
113. Played 'find the candycorn in my pocket' with a drunken
114. Adopted a third world baby against its will.
115. Slapped the bad place 'till you passed out.
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol at President Lincoln.
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild.
118. Ridden a horse.
119. Had major surgery from a MONKEY DOCTOR!
120. Come back from the dead with treats for everyone.
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours.
123. Did everything Hemingway did, including writing all his
books and blowing your brains out.
124. Visited all 7 continents during a blackout.
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days that didn't
involve disposing of victims' remains.
126. Eaten kangaroo meat against its will.
127. Had President Taft for a spirit guide.
128. Enjoyed "Star Trek Voyager" until you realized that was a
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply
about, but did it by playing the nose flute.
130. Gone back to pre-school.
132. Touched a cockroach while Parasailing just so you could
check off two things on this fuckin' list at once.
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes from the eye socket of an
134. Read the Iliad - and the Odyssey.
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school,
tracked him down and made him eat Monkey meat 'til you killed
136. Killed and prepared an "important" monkey-stuffed author
137. Skipped all your school reunions, unless you count what
could be seen through the telescopic lens, which made it almost
like being there.
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken
language and without using the universal languages of unprovoked
violence or 'French' kissing.
139. Been elected to public office BY MONKEYS!
140. Written your own computer language and then the computers
take over earth and enslave humanity and it's your fault.
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream about
taking a math test with no pants on.
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care. Okay, not 'had
to' per se.
143. Set fire to one of the seven modern wonders of the world.
144. Eaten nothing but American cheese until it took you to the
edge of death.
145. Had a booth at a street fair featuring things so
unspeakable you'll be in prison without the possibility of
parole for the rest of your life.
146. Dyed your hair.
147. Dyed the hair on your head HA HA BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT
COMING YOU FUCKING MONKEY!
148. PAINTED YOUR WEINER UP WITH A MONKEY FACE ON IT AND
FRIGHTENED PEOPLE AT A PUBLIC VENUE BY MAKING IT BARK AND PLEAD
149. Made mad, passionate unbridled love outdoors with the Pope
against his will while Monkeys filmed it for later broadcast on
If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:
Signing The Harassment Policy!