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Recently, I was talking with a friend of mine about Black
History Month. She asked why black people get an entire month
for history when she and her fellow Mexicans only get a single
day. I reminded her that November was Hispanic Heritage Month,
and gently tried to skirt the fact that the remaining months of
the year are white history months (except for the three months
of summer, which are the Forget Everything You Learned in School
Months). The exchange ended with a resounding "bah!" Still, it
got me thinking: we at I-Mockery have never really taken the
time to give proper thanks for the historical contributions made
by some of the overlooked members of the black community. We
hear all the time about the likes of Martin Luther King Jr.,
Harriet Tubman, and Earth, Wind, and Fire. I think it's about
time we heard a little more about the forgotten visionaries that
helped shape our way of life, but who, for some reason, were
passed over in the history books.
Tom Carver
Brother of George Washington Carver, Thomas "Jefferson" Carver
worked closely with his brother in the ever-widening field of
peanut research. The brothers worked together without incident
for some time, but all that would change when Tom accidentally
created one of the most essential foods of our time: peanut
butter. Tom sang the praises of his invention to his brother,
saying that he had finally combined the delicious taste of a
peanut with the convenience of a jam. Furthermore, he found that
he could entertain himself for hours by smearing some on the
gums of his horse, Meriwether. George remained skeptical of his
brother's achievement, moreso after realizing that it was not
actually Meriwether that was doing the talking. Nevertheless, he
tried a spoonful of his brother's concoction to see for himself.
It was indeed delicious, and George was about to congratulate
his brother when there was a knock at the door. George answered
the door and found it to be the man from the patent office, whom
he had called to come by so that he could lay claim to his many
peanutty innovations. Unfortunately, George realized that the
mouthful of peanut butter had left him unable to speak, and the
patent official stormed off, thinking that George was making
light of his speech impediment. George was furious. He found his
brother, stopped him from smearing peanut butter on the cow's
gums, and uttered that now-famous phrase of his: "grhmhmph
hrrmmpt!!!" Tom took this to mean that he was being kicked
out, and so he left. He would continue his work with peanut
butter, and was even responsible for the paradigm shift in
peanut butter: The peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It was pure
genius, but sadly, the idea of a black invention coming into
contact with white bread proved too controversial at the time,
and Tom was never given credit for either of his world-changing
innovations.
T'challa Komba
Why is February Black History Month, when MLK's birthday is in
January, and he's pretty much the only famous black man to be
covered in a history class? Is it because February was named by
someone black? Is it because February is the shortest of the
months? Both are good guesses, but the truth lies somewhere in
the middle. For more information, we must travel far back in
time. The time is near the end of the 16th century. The place:
the Vatican. The Gregorian calendar had only been in effect for
a few years, and for a time, things were going along smoothly.
However, a few minor problems began to spring up as time went
on, chief among them being the steady advance of winter. Every
year, winter seemed to arrive earlier and earlier, and so stores
at the Vatican had to begin their Christmas sales earlier than
the year before (today, retail outlets maintain this tradition
by beginning their Christmas sales in late August). Vatican
officials were at a loss; no one could deny that there was
something wrong with the calendar, but they couldn't simply
abandon it and risk upsetting the ghost of Pope Gregory XIII,
for the ghosts of former popes are quite prone to haunting.
Enter T'challa Komba, a servant of one of the cardinals whom the
assembled council had affectionately dubbed "Slavius". Komba had
deduced that the reason the calendar was not pulling its weight
was due to a critical design flaw: it had only 11 months. By his
calculations, adding a twelfth month would even out the calendar
enough to halt winter's advance and leave Christmas sales just
far enough from Christmas to remind everyone that the holiday
was supposed to be about Jesus. In honor of his brilliant idea,
the council decided to name this new month after Komba. Sort of.
The new month was named "Febriarius," from the Latin words "Febri"
and "arius", which together mean "month of the chocolate
helper." Komba politely requested that his actual name be used
for the new month, and the cardinals promptly turned on him.
They pursued him back to his room, intent on beating him to
death with their scepters and incense burners. However, with the
help of a miter and a bed sheet, Komba was able to disguise
himself as the ghost of Innocent III (who had been haunting the
Vatican ever since an intern wrote a fourth "I" next to his name
the Book of Popes) and escaped the bloodthirsty men of god. The
council was frustrated that they could not discipline/kill their
impudent servant, but they still needed to keep his month, lest
he return and embarrass them at the next Vatican bake sale. The
solution: keep the month, but lose a couple days near the end
for the sake of spite.
Phineas Williamson
While we're on the topic of credit not being given where credit
ought to be given to (verily), I am obliged to tell you the tale
of one Phineas Williamson. Old Phineas was an accomplished
engineer back in his day, and even had the privilege of working
with the famed entrepreneur Henry Ford. By now, you must be
thinking that I'm going to say something like he actually
designed the Model T, and is thus is solely responsible for one
of the greatest innovations in the field of transportation, but
that his ideas were co-opted by another greedy honky. Not so.
Indeed, Ford did have something to do with that particular
vehicle, but this isn't his goddamned biography. Now then,
Phineas worked with Ford a short while after the Model T had
become truly popular. Demand for the auto had exploded, much
like how the Model T itself exploded during the many traffic
accidents that were taking place. This was due, in part, to
there being no rules of traffic, such as divider lines, speed
limits, or stop signs. It was also due to the poor driving
skills of the nation as a whole, but the majority of the
populace found it much easier to simply blame the entire mess on
the state of the roadways. Ford realized that if people began to
think that his autos were little more than fiery deathtraps
waiting to engulf the casual motorist traveling down the road at
a scant 90 miles per hour (or for our international readers, 2
kilometers per houre), he would be doomed to a life on the farm
that he hated so much. He assembled a think tank composed of his
top engineers and an assortment of other head nerds to whip up a
remedy to this problem and quick. Phineas just happened to be a
member of this tank, and it was at the group's first
brainstorming meeting that his destiny would be set in motion.
Things got off to a slow start when a fellow engineer by the
name of Reginald P. Ferguson suggested that to reduce the number
of fatalities, perhaps the government should enact a plan to
make the road out of a softer material than the current medium
of choice: brick and/or mud. The other engineers stared in
silence, but Phineas suggested that there might be some merit to
Ferguson's suggestion, and that if they could convince Congress
to pass a bill that called for America's roadways to be made of
rubber, the driving public would be safer and would no longer
have to shell out money for new tires. The sarcasm was
completely lost on Ferguson, and the weasely man scuttled off,
presumably to bow his head in shame in the corner. Phineas then
spoke to the remaining officials about a plan of his own making,
wherein roads would be paved with a harder, more uniform
substance that could be easily gripped by the tires of the day.
The idea made sense to attendees, and so they began to draft a
formal plan to present to Congress. Unbeknownst to them,
however, was that Ferguson had already given Congress what he
declared to be the group's official plan: rubberize the
roadways. The idea was a flop, literally, as the mile-long
rubber test road that Ferguson had created for demonstration
purposes shrank during an unusually cold morning, and when one
of his assistants went to check on the iron tent pegs holding
the rubber road in place, the north end of the road snapped,
sending the entire roadway hurtling end over end for hundreds of
miles until it finally crash-landed a few miles shy of Richmond,
Virginia. Needless to say, the officials in Washington were
furious, and when asked who was responsible for this, Ferguson
placed the blame on the man who had originally given him the
idea: Phineas Williamson. Ferguson's case was a weak one at
best, but the other members of Ford's think tank, also unable to
grasp Phineas' sarcasm, supported Ferguson's claim that the idea
did indeed come from Phineas. Phineas was subsequently exiled to
Canada, Ferguson was credited with his plan for paved roads, and
the experimental rubber road was shredded and used to line the
ground at a number of local playgrounds.
Well, my friends, I'm afraid this concludes my coverage of three
important-but-oft- overlooked figures in black history. There's
still a few weeks left in the month of February, so why not use
that time to learn a little more about the famous African
Americans that you never hear about in school. For our black
readers, this is a great opportunity to learn about your unique
heritage, and what effects your predecessors have had on the
face of America. For our white readers, this is a great
opportunity for you to learn just enough about black history so
that you won't wind up feeling guilty when the topic of Black
History Month comes up when you're talking with your black
friends. Just remember not to publicly refer to them as your
"black friends", you racist squib.
If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:
Get Rich Quick!
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