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(Being a brief compendium of facts collected and set down
by Max Burbank, some of which are both useful and true.)

by: Max Burbank

DID YOU KNOW? In Chicago, Illinois, a Hatpin is considered a concealed weapon! Only the most elderly women still use hatpins, a long pointy device designed to secure ornate hats to women's hair so that they won't fall off! Alert Chicago coppers have been known to whack strutting Octogenarians to the pavement on suspicion at the mere site of a fancy hat on an old head! IT'S TRUE!!

Got hot water? Anything organic at all? DID YOU KNOW you have all the ingredients of SOUP? Astounding, yes, but TRUE! Rooney Clestridge of Butte, Montana survived six weeks lost in the Basement of his local Library using only a tin can, his own urine, mildew and disposable butane lighter by MAKING SOUP! And DID YOU KNOW urine isn't strictly speaking water, but it is sterile!? That's a fact Rooney Clestridge knew and it SAVED HIS LIFE!

DID YOU KNOW that Howard Taft, our 27'Th and heftiest President signed quite a bit of legislation while in office? Win 'bar bets' on this one BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!

DID YOU KNOW that the Moon Snail is so named because its shell resembles a full Moon? If you thought it was because of this boneless wonder's propensity for exposing its ass as a gesture of contempt, you were wrong! Snails don't even have an ass! IT'S TRUE, DAMN YOU!

SHOES were invented by Thomas Alva Edison! DID YOU KNOW THAT? You should, because it's a TRUE FACT!

DID YOU KNOW dolphins have saved drowning sailors by pushing them to shore, but have also drowned swimmers by pushing them under the water? Ironically, Dolphins just like pushing things! THAT'S A FACT, JACK! Try stopping 'em sometime! We dare you!

The Beaver does more environmental damage than any animal but man! DID YOU KNOW THAT? Not only does this dam building Mammal displace local flora and fauna when constructing it's habitat, it's also another name for a woman's VAGINA! TRUE, TRUE, TRUE!

DID YOU KNOW that even a toddler can disable a fully-grown man in an instant by shooting him? Even a GIRL toddler? This rarely believed fact just happens to be verifiably TRUE!

If you went back in time and married your great grandmother before she met your great grandfather , then went back to your own time and had a child with one of your descendants, DID YOU KNOW it would mean you are sexual deviant?!

DID YOU KNOW the aboriginal people of Australia invented a fully realized internal combustion engine 300 years before the arrival of Europeans? I bet you didn't, and most people don't because they called it the BOOMERANG! THAT ONE doesn't even MAKE SENSE but it just happens to be the God's Own TRUTH, YOU DAMN DIRTY APE!

DID YOU KNOW that while making "Gone With The Wind" Butterfly McQueen was granted a brief leave of absence so she could model for the MRS. BUTTERWORTH BOTTLE?! That bizarre and chronologically impossible little racist nugget may be offensive BUT IT'S SO DAMN TRUE I'll happily take you to THUNDERDOME should you defy me! TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVE! And that man will be ME! Did you know THAT, sir?!

DID YOU KNOW we know more true facts about the surface of the moon than we do about the bottom of the sea?! It's TRUE, even though the sea floor is a LOT CLOSER in miles and you can't breathe in either location! TRY IT OUT AND 'SEA'!!!

DID YOU KNOW that modern antidepressants can help stabilize your mood, but if I suddenly go off them, within just days I'll get a case of the 'head zaps' that will make me not only as crazy as a shit house rat, but damned dangerous to boot!? DON'T TELL! That one is going to be our little secret, Pedro! OR ELSE!!

The Dolphin is the only animal besides man that has sex for pleasure! DID YOU KNOW THAT? Of course, what's pleasure for some is being pushed under water all the way to Davey Jones's Locker for others! Put the 'make' on a Dolphin at your own risk!

DID YOU KNOW that the Partridge Family had a hit TV show and several Number One records even though their music SUCKED?! How can it be? I don't know! I just know its TRUE, MOTHAFUCKA!!

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy! Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln! Both Presidents were assassinated! But DID YOU KNOW it was Kennedy the President who's famed Humidor contained a cigar that another President placed inside the beaver of an intern whose name was neither Kennedy nor Lincoln? ASTOUNDING FACTS AVAILABLE HERE, NO "IRISH" NEED APPLY!

DID YOU KNOW that the famous 'Footprints' allegorical poem about a guy walking on a beach and Jesus and stuff is a VERY BAD POEM not to mention DUMB? It's TRUE! Jesus hates it and says it makes Rod McKuen look like a good poet! Don't believe me? ASK JESUS and then come and APOLOGIZE before I carve you like a Christmas ham!

"Cats" is a very popular piece of Musical Theater, but DID YOU KNOW it was based on a series of poems by T.S. ELIOTT that are an allegory for a famous 1892 case of PRISON RAPE?! That joke, which revolved around the infantile yet surprising use of the term 'prison rape' also happens to be TRUE!!!

DID YOU KNOW that I have now used both the concept of 'allegory' and the term 'Beaver' twice in this article? COUNT AND SEE IF I'M WRONG! I'm NOT because it's SURPRISINGLY TRUE!

DID YOU KNOW that Famous folkloric marionette Pinocchio and anyone with the surname 'Woodcock' have something in common? THINK ABOUT IT and you'll see Its OH SO TRUE, YOU LILAC SCENTED FAILED MAN!

DID YOU KNOW you have no idea at all what I've got in my pocket? Why don't you reach in and see? Really reach now! It's WAY down there!

DID YOU KNOW a sneeze leaves your mouth at over 100 Miles Per Hour? TRUE AS TRUE CAN BE! At that rate no matter where you both start from it could get to Disneyland faster than you, because YOU have to obey the SPEED LIMIT you GOD DAMN COWARDLY LITTLE CHUNK OF FILTH! COVER YOUR MOUTH, WHAT ARE YOU, A FUCKIN' CAVE MAN?! ARE YOU ASKING ME TO KILL YOU?! BECAUSE I'M THE MAN TO DO IT, HOWARD JOHNSON, and that is a true fact YOU NEED TO KNOW!

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day! Teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime! But DID YOU KNOW not everyone likes fish? I BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK, YOU CRIPPLED BABOON'S VULVA! I'M ALLERGIC TO FISH! I'VE GOT A BULLET WITH YOUR NAME ON IT, CHUMLY! ALL TRUE!!!

DID YOU KNOW that in my right pocket I've got a hand sized hole and in my left pocket I have a MOUSE TRAP!? HOW COULD YOU?! YOU'RE SCREAMING but I have NO WAY OF KNOWING which pocket you reached in, because I'm DYSLEXIC and DRUNK on SCHNAPPS! And the TRUTH is, DID YOU KNOW, I DON'T CARE!?!

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Psychic Predictions For 2007!

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